45 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Want to know the secret to a great best man speech? Jokes! Love them or loathe them, jokes lie at the heart of many a great wedding toast, whether you’re delivering one as the best man or best woman. But since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s OK to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes.

Whether you’re on the hunt for some witty ice breakers, funny openers or punchy one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up 45 of our favourite jokes that work perfectly for funny best man speeches – and will leave your audience with smiles on their faces.

We also caught up with Heidi Ellert-McDermott, founder of Speechy and author of The Modern Couple’s Guide to Wedding Speeches, who shares her top tips on how to write the best best man speech jokes to get everyone laughing, as well as the gags you should definitely avoid.

So, without further ado, here’s our pick of funny wedding speech jokes worthy of applause…

45 of the Funniest Best Man Jokes for Speech

• Safe best man jokes for every kind of crowd
• Witty one liners for the best man
• Anecdote-style best man jokes
• Best man jokes about the groom
• Best man jokes about the bride (that won’t offend!)

Safe Best Man Jokes For Every Kind of Crowd

• “It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers”
• “We’ve now reached the point in proceedings when we all get to see [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks bill…”
• “Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So, if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing anything”
• “The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [NAME]’s mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-partners. So thanks for listening – that’s all from me!”
• “[PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME], please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment, [NAME], because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand”
• “For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN]. And for those of you who do know me, I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink?’ So, for those of you I see at the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name”
• “I can only say in advance, in my defence, that [NAME] and I share the same sense of humour. So if this speech is in any way unfunny, please feel free to blame [NAME]”
• “I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I went for 40 minutes – so settle in!”
• “Now, before I start, the venue manager has asked me to request that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation”
• “I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting closest to me will attest, it is actually possible to smell fear”
• “When it came to writing this speech, I googled ‘best man speech examples’ and found some great stuff. So, let me tell you all about [WRONG NAME] …”

Witty One Liners for the Best Man

• “You’ve no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [NAME], they have – at long last – admitted that I am in fact the best man”
• “All those amongst us who know [PARTNER] well will know that they are a wonderful and caring person. They deserve a good [HUSBAND/WIFE]. Thank goodness [NAME] married [HER/HIM] before [SHE/HE] found one”
• “I’d also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right… I could hardly follow a word of it”
• “Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it, but you know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community… the only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today”
• “I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course, you’re expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out”
• “I didn’t know where to start, so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really good stuff – but then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech”
• “We all know that [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect [GUY/GIRL]. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve”
• “Firstly I’d like to say I’m actually very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third or fourth time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand…”
• “Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [NAME]!”
• “Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum, I’m terribly hungover. I know, I know… you shouldn’t drink the night before the wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?”
• “I’m going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny”
• “I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately”
• “They say if you’re feeling nervous about giving a speech you should imagine the audience naked. [LOOK AROUND, LOOK HORRIFIED]. OK, now I feel worse!”

Anecdote-Style Best Man Jokes

• “I’ve played football with [NAME] on many occasions and never seen him lose a ball… as he doesn’t kick it that far. In fact, he struggles to kick it full stop”
• “When we were 15, [NAME] was absolutely convinced he could teach me how to [INSERT RIDICULOUS TEENAGE BOY IDEA]. Spoiler alert: he could not”
• “We didn’t play together that much growing up. [NAME] was the sort of kid my mum always told me to stay away from.”
• “I was taught by my parents that if I had nothing good to say about someone then I should just sit down and be quiet… [SITS DOWN]”

Best Man Jokes About the Groom

• “As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition, I’m supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry, but I can’t sing, and I won’t lie”
• “This has truly been a day to remember – [NAME] finally bought a round of drinks!”
• “I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead, I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and good night”
• “So, where do I start with [NAME]? Well, for starters he’s rather handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm… sorry… [NAME], I’m having trouble reading your handwriting. You can tell me the rest later”
• “I read somewhere that the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!”
• “Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN]. I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends”
• “I’m here to give a speech about [NAME] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?”
• “[NAME] may not dazzle you with his wit or good looks, but he will dazzle you with the top of his head”
• “[NAME] has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he’s been tearing his hair out!”
• “Just some last messages here to read out: one from [NAME]’s football team to [PARTNER] – ‘Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions but wishing you all the best for tonight”

Speech Jokes as the Best Man and Brother to the Groom

If you’re wondering how to write a great speech as the best man and brother to the groom, then you’re in a very unique position! As the brother or sibling of the person getting married, you get to draw upon years of life experience and memories, which can make your jokes funnier and even more personal.

Below are some jokes to get you started – though, of course, these can be switched up and modified to fit any sibling relationship. Plus, you can find even more tips by reading up on how to write a best man speech for your brother.

• “I want to say a few complimentary things about the groom… he’s handsome, intelligent and gifted at [XYZ]. Of course, none of this should come as a surprise – we come from the same gene pool.”
• “If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.”
• “[NAME] is like a genie, he’s granted a wish for me today. I always wanted a sister, and I have that now in [PARTNER]. But not all wishes come true, after all, I’ve still got [NAME] as a brother.”
• “[NAME] blamed me for everything growing up. So, let’s call this speech ‘payback’”

Best Man Jokes About the Bride (That Won’t Offend!)

• “Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [BRIDE] didn’t plan!”
• “So, let’s raise a glass to the happy couple because I like both of you – do you know how rare that is?”
• “[BRIDE] and [PARTNER], before I finish, I’d like you to turn and face one another. You’re now looking into the eyes of the person who’s statistically most likely to murder you. Cheers to the happy couple!”
• “I do have to say though, [PARTNER], just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [BRIDE], how lucky you are as well. You get to leave here today having gained a beautiful new outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers”
• “If there’s anyone here who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [PARTNER]”

Best Man Speech Jokes: FAQ

How to write a best man speech with jokes

The key to a winning speech is practice, a few laughs in the form of great best man speech jokes (although tread carefully around those ‘hilarious’ tales about the groom’s past) and some heartfelt words. If you’re planning a best man speech, these are our biggest tips for getting it right:

• Keep it clean. Don’t be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best pal’s grandma!
• Avoid in-jokes. If 75% your audience don’t understand, you’ll only be met with blank stares.
• Remember to pause for laughter. And if it doesn’t come, you can tell people they were ‘supposed to laugh there’ (a sure-fire way to get a guaranteed chuckle)
• Add a personal twist. Can any of our joke suggestions above be amended to suit the couple?
• Make notes. You might think you’ll be able to remember it all by heart, but nerves (and a few post-ceremony beers) can sometimes get the better of us, so have notes to refer back to.
• Keep it concise. No one likes a rambler, especially if it’s pre-dinner or between courses.
• Project your voice clearly. Don’t shout – but aim to be heard at the back of the room
• End with a toast. It’s the best way to wrap up.

What makes a good joke for a best man’s speech?

Incorporating a few jokes into your best man’s speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd, and according to Heidi, the easiest way to master this is by using comedy based on real-life observations.

“Try not to resort to obvious wedding clichés, and instead observe the groom in action – what are his weird habits? What are his guilty pleasures? What basic life skills is he yet to master? The funniest content is always found in the everyday,” she says.

Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is exaggeration: “Just think of a quirk that the groom is known for and imagine it in its most extreme form,” she adds.

How many jokes should a best man speech have?

“There’s no set number really,” says Heidi, “but at Speechy we aim for a belly laugh every 20 seconds – and hearty smiling throughout!

“Remember, it’s not always about good best man speech 'jokes’ per se, it’s about telling funny stories and landing the punchlines that can be found within. It’s also about using your facial expressions to maximum effect – sometimes a well-timed pause or an eyebrow raise elicits as much laughter as a killer line.”

What should you avoid in a best man’s speech?

When it comes to things to avoid at all costs in a humorous best man speech – there are a few non-negotiables, according to Heidi: “Avoid gags about exes, sex and yourself. So many best men make the mistake of talking about themselves for far too long,” she says.

If you want to give the groom a bit of a roasting, just be sure to do it with kindness. Subjects that you’ve seen them become sensitive or upset about in the past are definitely off the table! Stick to safe topics and turn them into playful icebreakers to lighten the mood.

“Remember, teasing is fine, insulting people is not. Swearing is never appropriate when children are present and if they’re not, still be cautious with it. Keep it grandparent-friendly," says Heidi. 

“Finally, don’t resort to any in-jokes, stag stories or anecdotes that need a lot of set-up to get to the punchline. Keep things short and snappy to keep the laughter coming,” she adds.

Can you joke about the bride in the best man’s speech?

Joking about someone’s partner in the best man’s speech is definitely something to be carefully considered and will very much depend on your relationship and how well you know them.

“Certainly don’t do it in a sexist, cliched or Googled-gag way – nothing about the bride always needing to be ‘right’ or anything sexual in nature,” says Heidi. “Jokes like that are not only generic and lazy but they’re embarrassingly old-fashioned.

“Consider your relationship with the bride – if you don’t know her well or she isn’t a close friend, steer clear of making her the butt of any kind of joke (other than the fact she has to ‘put up with’ the groom),” she adds.

“But if she’s a good friend and you know she’ll appreciate a bit of banter, then some good-natured teasing is fine. Just use a bit of common sense – could she be genuinely embarrassed? If there’s that possibility, err on the side of caution.”

Set on being the best best man ever? Here’s everything you need to know to plan the perfect stag do.