Since no-one’s expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it’s OK to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes.
Whether you’re giving the groom or grooms a full roasting or you just want some good one-liners to entertain the crowd, we’ve rounded up our favourite 33 best man speech jokes.
If you need some inspiration, this mix of classic and funny jokes is the place to start and they're super easy to mix up for a same-sex couple.
1. It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
2. If there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it’s probably because you’ve just married [GROOM].
3. We’ve now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the groom shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That’s right. I’ve been asked to give him the drinks’ bill.
4. All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that she/he is a wonderful and caring person. She/He deserves a good husband. Thank God [GROOM] married her/him before she/he found one.
5. Just some last messages here to read out: one from [GROOM’S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn’t all be there today, good luck with [GROOM], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.
6. I’d also like to congratulate [GROOM] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
7. [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [GROOM] please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment [GROOM] because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
READ MORE: 21 Amazing Best Man Speech Toasts
8. I do have to say though [GROOM] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a wife who is warm, loving and caring. And [BRIDE], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely dress and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
9. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.
10. I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.
11. Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
12. You’ve got no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to today. After all the time I’ve been friends with [GROOM], he has at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.
13. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
READ MORE: The Ultimate Guide to Being a Best Man
14. We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don’t always get what you deserve.
15. As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry but I can’t sing and I won’t lie.
16. Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [GROOM] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway… When I asked [GROOM] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.
Image: Chris Barber Photography
17. Firstly I’d like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact this must be the third time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
READ MORE: How to Begin Your Wedding Speech
18. Good evening, family and friends. I’m very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn’t plan.
19. I don’t believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won’t contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [GROOM]. Instead I’ll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and goodnight.
20. Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that’s enough about me, I’m here to give a speech about [GROOM]!
21. The couple have asked that I don’t talk about [GROOM’S] mishaps, mistakes, embarrassing moments or ex-girlfriends. So thanks for listening everyone, that’s it from me!
22. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is [BEST MAN] and for those of those who do know me…I apologise. My full name is actually ‘[BEST MAN]-would-you-like-a-drink’. For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
23. So where do I start with [GROOM]? Well, for starters he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, he’s charm…sorry…[GROOM] I’m having trouble reading you handwriting. You can tell me the rest later.
24. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the Groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple!
25. Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum. I’m terribly hungover. I know, you shouldn’t drink the night before a wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?
26. I’m going to keep this speech like [GROOM] – short and not very funny.
27. I can only say in my defence that [GROOM] and I share the same sense of humour so if this speech is in anyway unfunny, please feel free to blame [GROOM].
28. Hi everyone, I’m [BEST MAN], I’m the best man – although I think I was picked by default since the groom doesn’t really have any other friends.
READ MORE: 15 Ways to End Your Best Man Speech
29. I’ve been instructed to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.
30. I’m here to give a speech about [GROOM] – but what can I say about him that hasn’t already been a topic on Jeremy Kyle?
31. I heard there was a sweepstake on the length of the best man’s speech. I just went for 40 minutes – so settle in.
32. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.
33. I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And as the people sitting near the front of the room can attest, it is actually possible to smell fear.
Are you starting writing your best man’s speech? Once you’ve nailed the best man speech jokes, we’ve got all the advice you need on how to structure your best man’s speech and great toasts to end it with.
Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech
If you are planning a best man’s speech then don’t miss our top tips:
- Avoid in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
- Keep in clean – you don’t want to be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma…
- Pause for laughter
- Add a personal twist – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the groom
Planning on being the best best man ever? Whip your ushers into shape with this breakdown of their duties!