In films and pop culture, there's so much pressure put on the wedding night. It's meant to be the romantic culmination of a day of love where the two of you rip each other's clothes off and do the deed. But how many couples actually have sex on their wedding night? It's not what you'd expect! A whopping 65% of Hitched couples* said they were too tired or drunk to get down and dirty after their wedding.
From baby poo to vomiting grooms, hearing parents through walls to stuffing yourselves with Chinese takeaway, the reasons you brilliant lot gave for not consummating the marriage were hilarious - and those who did get frisky had some *pretty* excellent stories too.
We asked our lovely Instagram followers to tell us the true tales of what they got up to on their wedding night - read on for some eye-opening antics!
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"They're Just Tits, Rhodri"
One of our bridesmaids had too far too much red wine and took herself off to the bathroom of our honeymoon cottage (which was next door to our reception venue) and vomited everywhere.
I left my other two bridesmaids to do a clean-up operation, which ended up as a drunken plan to all strip to their underwear - and less - and get her in the shower to sluice her down. Of course, this is the point my now-husband walks in and sees three bridesmaids semi-naked in his bathroom. He got a bit panicked - I don't think he was expecting to see the bridesmaids' boobs on his wedding night before his new wife's! - and one bridesmaid uttered the new infamous line, "They're just tits, Rhodri."
Luckily for him he was born without a sense of smell, so when we arrived in the room to finally relax after a long day he didn't have to smell the sick. We decided to make the most of it and still have sex, until we were stopped midway through by one of the more sober bridesmaids coming to collect the bag of the drunk bridesmaid. Still finished having sex though.
"He Launched Himself Onto It..."
I got married in May and I wore a huge ballgown dress. When I took it off, I left it in a heap on the floor and my husband thought the dress heap was a bean bag. He launched himself on it...to realise it wasn't a bean bag. Thankfully he had an alcohol shield on.
"We Rolled Around in Money, Eating Pizza"
We stayed in a hotel and ordered pizza, but as it was 1am, I had to collect it from reception myself...in my wedding dress.
I trotted back up to the room and sat on the floor in my tulle fishtail dress with the straps of my corset hanging around my chips and garlic sauce. My husband opened our cards; as people were so generous, we wanted to see all of the love (i.e. money!). So we threw it up in the air thinking of the amazing honeymoon we would have and rolled around in it eating pizza, not making love.
"Chicken, Shots, Partayyy and Sleep!"
We fed each other chicken tenders at the penthouse afterparty. It was the perfect 3am after the wedding. ZERO sex! Just chicken, shots, partayyy and sleep!
"We Drunk-Opened All the Presents"
We opened all the cards and presents while drunk at 4am and couldn't remember who gave us what the next day.
"He Got a Bl*wjob With Me Still in My Dress and Veil"
I pulled up a chair to the kitchen counter in the Airbnb we had rented for the whole family to party in afterwards and fell asleep on the kitchen side with a face full of toast crumbs. Why didn't I just go up to the lovely queen size bed?! Why did I go to trouble of dragging a chair up to the side? Was I waiting for toast and simply decided I'd done too much standing up for the day or did the side look super comfy? We will never know. Hubby took me up to bed and then got back in the hot tub with my brothers.
Oh, and a few hours before that, we went upstairs to get changed into hubby-wifey hot tub gear and, whilst we didn't have sex that evening, he got his first marital blowjob with me still in my dress and veil.
"We Tidied the Bridal Suite"
We got a bin bag and tidied the bridal suite so we didn't have to do it in the morning! Ate some pizza and wedding cake and then fell asleep.
"He Vommed on Our 'Just Married' Banner"
My husband got so drunk, he fell asleep in the bath. I put a bucket beside him and pillow under his head. Next day I drove to the honeymoon cottage and he vommed out the window all down our 'Just Married' banner.
"Poo Had Leaked Out Her Nappy All Over the Bed"
I had to practically drag him away from our venue once the reception finished to get to our hotel. Then we had to set up our baby's travel cot (she was almost six months old).
Our hotel was roasting, roasting hot and it was located on the second floor and had really low windows which we couldn't open. It was a very small hotel so no ringing down to reception. Instead, we had a gorgeous roll top bath in our room so hubby had a cold bath while I got the baby fed and changed for bed.
I was knackered after being up since 4am and it was now 1am. My hubby took the baby to try and get her to sleep, but she woke and screamed and screamed as soon as she was in her travel cot. I still hadn't slept for longer than five minutes by 2am so I decided the baby could sleep next to me. The only cuddling was between me and the baby whilst me and my husband were at opposite ends of the bed, sweating like crazy!
I then woke at 4am to be sick! Baby woke up at 6am and I heard her poo so I asked my hubby to get up, change and feed her. I turned over and poo had leaked out her nappy all over the bed.
Room still roasting hot and we hadn't had more than four hours sleep with zero sex.
Obviously having a baby played a big part but being tired and in a hot, sweaty room - it's a no from me!
"One Track Mind"
We had sex! My husband even wanted to leave the evening part of the wedding early. We had waited though so I can understand why! He didn't want to open any presents or anything once we got back to the bridal suite. One track mind!
"My Bridesmaid Got My Makeup Off Whilst I Was Over the Toilet"
I was absolutely smashed on tequila and so was he. A friend stuffed wedding cake in my mouth as I was leaving and I made it up the stairs to our stunning penthouse suite with the help of bridesmaids and then I was sick...everywhere!
My husband stayed up most of the night in case it happened again, watching over me. I woke up at 6am, still drunk, as was he, in just a pair of tracksuit bottoms and nothing else - keeping it classy as always.
My bridesmaid was a real one though and managed to get all my makeup off and my hair out whilst smacking my back over the toilet. True friendship! Definitely an evening to remember!
"We Ordered Chinese Takeaway"
We were both absolutely exhausted, drenched in sweat (we got married on a day that was 30-something degrees) and a little drunk. We ordered Chinese takeaway, ate it in our bed and then fell asleep.
"Thank God for the Sex Toys"
My bridesmaids put rose petals, sexy lingerie and sex toys in the room we were staying at after the wedding. My husband was so drunk he passed out on the camp bed that was stored in the room, fully clothed including shoes, amongst said rose petals.
I had to get another male family member to undress me on my own wedding night as I couldn't reach my buttons! Thank god for the sex toys.
"I Was Carried to Bed by the Groomsmen"
I was carried to bed by the groomsmen after too many tequilas and then slept in my wedding dress! We made up for it the next morning.
"We Had a Massive Argument"
We had a massive argument over absolutely nothing, just because we were so drunk. I grabbed his arm and left a massive bruise. We just laughed about it for days afterwards.
"The Wedding Lingerie Didn't Make It Out My Bag"
I had got some wedding lingerie especially for it. My dress didn't need a bra but I made sure I got a fab bridal one. In the end I was so drunk/tired that I couldn't find it in my bag or be bothered to look.
I slept in my 'Here Comes The Bride' pink heart shorts and t-shirt PJs and was passed out on the gorgeous four-poster bed before my husband was out of the bathroom.
No morning after sex either as we were absolutely starving and wanted to get down to breakfast without our guests.
"His Mum Sent Him to Bed"
I went back to the honeymoon cottage as the reception ended with a few people still waiting for cabs. My husband only appeared when he was told off by his mum for still being out with his mates and she sent him to bed.
"We Shared a Room With My Parents"
We ended up sharing a room with my parents and sleeping on the floor as they jumped in the bed! Nobody checked us into our room and by the time we got back at 1am, there was only one room left in the pub we were staying in.
We also had no bags with out stuff as these were in the best man's car. So I slept in a robe from the room and my husband in his whole wedding outfit! People still laugh about it now.
"My Husband Made a Bet..."
My husband made a bet with our best friends that we wouldn't end up having sex on our wedding night because we were too tired - so he then saw it as a challenge!
It didn't start well - he couldn't get me out my dress and it took forever to take the pins out my hair - but once we overcame those hurdles, it was a perfect end to a perfect day!
"Hubby Was Already Passed Out"
I didn't manage to get to bed until 2am on my wedding night as I had to take out sh*tloads of hair extensions and get myself out of a giant dress. By the time I had done that, hubby was already passed out asleep. Luckily we had a line-in the next day to consummate the marriage.
"My Brother Threw an Impromptu Afterparty"
Our wedding finished at midnight when all the guests got taxis back to their hotels. My brother, who lived nearby decided to throw an impromptu afterparty. My wife and I, along with half of the wedding party and a few extra friends, carried on celebrating long into the night. When we finally got to our hotel at 4.30am, we didn't have the energy to consummate the marriage. We'd been on the go for 22 hours!
"We Ate Pringles in Our Robes"
We climbed into our giant hotel bed in our hotel robes and ate Pringles. It was bliss and really the perfect end to the perfect day! I still wore my cute nightie though.
"It Killed the Mood"
Our Honeymoon suite was in between both our parents rooms and we could hear them all talking. It kind of killed that mood!
*In a survey of 1,834 Hitched Instagram users, a total of 1,192 said they did not have sex on their wedding night, while 642 said they did have sex on their wedding night.