Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Matt
Speech Date: 30/07/2018 22:47:47
Ladies and Gentlemen….
My name is Matthew and I am the brother of the bride.
It is my privilege to make the first speech, that is at least I thought it was until I realised that I am actually the warm up act for the groom and the best man.
With that in mind I shall try and be like Ronnie Corbett- short and hopefully slightly entertaining!
First I would like to thank everyone for coming today. We have guests that have travelled in from far and wide like Guernsey, Canada, USA, Thailand and even New Zealand.
I think this shows how much we all want to be here today to celebrate Chelsea and Lou's wedding. It has been a fantastic day so far and we have the whole evening ahead of us.
This brings me to the part that every bride fears…what is he going to say about me? Is he going to tell them about the time when…
To be honest, I did struggle to think of a wholly inappropriate and embarrassing story to tell about Chelsea.
True, our brother Seth and I did used to call her Miss Piggy a lot when she was little, but that was not totally her fault and to be fair the resemblance was only a passing one, although her mannerisms seemed pretty similar at the time.
If the embarrassing story had been about Seth I would have had to have told the story about the time when as a young child he zipped his penis in the fly of his jeans. (Fortunately he managed to get it free with help from my Mum and some Amway Liquid organic cleaner!!!)
Luckily I did manage to recall the time when Chelsea (now remember she is a driving instructor) managed to get her car “stuck” in a parking space at the multi-story car park in Croydon.
It was a Renault 5 and she loved this car. She had just had it sprayed lilac colour and our Dad had just fitted a new stereo for her. Well, I say Stereo. It was a Stereo when it came out of the box, but it actually turned out to be a ‘mono’ because in typical Dad style he blew a channel wiring it up!
Anyway, somehow Chelsea must have had a bit of trouble that day in Croydon with the steering wheel, ….and, well …the wall. She came back from home with a big, big scrape down the side of the car. Luckily Dad had realised his limitations from the Stereo debacle so other than a bit of bashing with a lump hammer to allow the back wheel to turn properly, the car stayed like that until Chelsea got rid of it a few years later.
Speaking of Dad I should just like to take a moment to say that normally giving Chelsea away would be his honour. Sad to say of course that neither he nor Lou's parents can be with us today. However, I think I can say that they will be looking down on us all today, full of pride and admiration for how well their children have turned out and how happy they would be about this union.
That said I think we can all agree that Lou and Chelsea match each other very well.
Lou, I would like to welcome you into the family. You have been with Chelsea long enough to know what you are letting yourself in for. So don't ask me for sympathy. If you want sympathy you can look it up in the dictionary – I'll have to tell you where exactly to find it later, as even though it's a hilarious joke, it is far too vulgar to deliver now.
Chelsea, it is my privilege to honour you on your wedding day, it is a bit hard to find the right words to express my feelings. Chelsea is truly a wonderful sister and I am sure she will make a fine wife.
You are looking fantastic today and it proves to me one thing I have come to know about Lou. He is clearly a man of vision – occasionally blurred, sometimes double – but nevertheless a man of vision who has been lucky enough to find my sister.
I think tradition dictates that I should offer some advice to the happy couple. I have been married 3 times myself, so I am not sure if that actually qualifies me to give advice.
Chelsea, I would just say, when you want Lou to do something remember he is only a man – so hints won't work.
And Lou when Chelsea asks you to do something – err well, actually she is telling you mate.
So, without further ado, could we all raise our glasses in a toast to Lou and Chelsea.