Speech by Cliff Brown

Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Cliff Brown
Speech Date: Jul2007
Good afternoon everyone and thank you all for coming to celebrate Emma and Richards special day. Some of you I actually do know. How fantastic Emma and Richard are looking, they don't scrub up to bad do they. I would also like to welcome Richards mum Julie and her family to Mr and Mrs Stockers wedding day. I wanted to have the wedding at Acton village hall, it was only 50 pound with a free disco and cheese sandwiches, but this place will have to do instead. Emma, what can I say, I remember her being born in Basildon hospital, I was holding Carols hand and sniffing laughing gas and over 20 years later I needed laughing gas when carol told me the price of her outfit today. When Emma was born I cried my eyes out a bit like today I was crying thinking this will cost me, especially the wedding. I do remember the hospital food was pretty bad and I sneaked a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken into the hospital disguised in a carrier bag with a cuddly toy sitting on top, a Snoopy I think it was. I think I have got photos of Emma from this occasion…… With the empty bucket that is. The woman in the next bed had the curtains drawn round her and so I pulled the curtains round Carol and Emma's bed and we ate the fried chicken with the sound of the woman in the next bed using a breast pump Daisy I think it was called anyway I think this was the start of Emma being a vegetarian, that's why she calls my barbecue a crematoria. Emma was such a loving child, always helpful and happy, but very stubborn. Like all my children I wonder who they take after She used to run round the garden with no knickers on and eating mud I've since stop her eating mud., that reminds me there use to be some strange underwear in the laundry basket I think there called thongs, well these things looked like pieces of bacon rind, they look like a pirates eye patch or dental floss, I used to say you couldn't blindfold a kami kazi pilot with that let alone cover your privates. Emma use to work for me but she denies it, she used to clean the toilets in the house, I had a sweet name for her, she was called my little shit house cleaner, but I had to sack her for dissent and her sister was promoted to the job, and of course we had the occasion when Emma and Richard had a disagreement and split up briefly, and to make amends she decided to deliver some flowers herself to Richard with a note, no one was in and unlike any normal person who would leave them at the front door, Emma decided to deliver them through the cat flap and leave them on the kitchen table, strange how he never asked how they got there. And how on earth she didn't get stuck in the cat flap. I also remember Emma's first car a ford fiesta, the cream dream machine, she looked like dick dastardly in that . then she bought a newer fiesta which she wrote off claiming a lamppost jumped out in front of her, you may not know this but Emma lost her mobile phone a couple of weeks ago and the mobile phone company phoned her up to see if she was ill as their shares had started to collapse, from now on carol might be able to eat her tea uninterrupted without Emma phoning to discuss something about the wedding. To finish with about Emma she said to me some time ago . dad you was a right bastard to us when we was growing up and you know if I ever have children of my own I'm going to bring them up exactly the same! Well our three kids haven't turned out to bad.Richard. well Julie you must be so proud to have a such a fantastic son as we are to have him as our son in law.

the definition of a son is someone who's bedroom smells like a well kept lions cage, who answers back , comes in when he likes, and drinks your beer, and ever so often you throw him a piece of meat. Me and Richard do have one thing in common apart from Emma that is our love of music and playing the guitar, but there is a bad side to him , firstly he's a Tottenham supporter, still it could be worse he could have supported arsenal or Chelsea., and ive only ever seen him lose his temper once and that was at the red hot chilli peppers concert, there was four of us me, Richard, Emma and del, and we was queuing behind a crowd of about 5000 people to go through about 5 turnstiles, we had no cover and it was about 100 degrees scorching hot everyone was being searched going in and we were all getting hot and bothered and the queue wasn't moving after about 30 minutes, so I thought I'd go off and try my charm on the disabled entrance gate keeper, I said to the bloke on the gate can I come in I,m too fat to get through the turnstiles and to my surprise he let me in , next thing he said was is there anyone with you I said yes my carer, my daughter Emma, with that we called her over and she was let in too , the gate keeper said no one else could come in, well the look on Richards face it was like thunder, he was pacing up and down threatening to queue jump or beat everyone up, he was swearing at me as I was standing the other side of the fence with a cold beer. Eventually the gate keeper let Richard and del in and he did calm down, but you can look back and laugh about it now, that is not the placid calm Richard we know and love. But anyone who can play a game of golf dressed as banana or go out on your stag night dressed as a pimp with a blow up doll cant be too bad, that reminds me I'd like to say a special welcome to our vinyl friends Alan and Ellen.

Finally I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple and wish them all the happiness for the future

Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding and raise your glass to the bride and groom
EMMA AND RICHARD