Speech by Chris Girling
The date is 10th July 2009, the event is the wedding of Alexandra, from Ilkley W Yorks, and Ross, from Croydon, in Croydon, during the first Ashes Test. We have one Australian guest. There is also a Greek guest.
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Speech Type: Father of the bride/groom
Speech Creator: Chris Girling
Speech Date: Jul 2009
Hello everybody, my name is – Alex's Dad.
In the past I've been called lots of other names, including Chris, But today, for one Fine, Proud day, I have a new name: Today, ladies and gentlemen, I, am
Father of the Bride.
And as Father of the Bride I am here today to welcome you all on behalf of Ross and Alex to this, their wedding breakfast. And welcome you I will, and of course, in descending order of importance:
First, may I welcome Alex and Ross’ Family, and their Friends.
– Then their acquaintances – and the hangers on.
– The Gate crashers,
– Pikies.,
And……………..… AUSTRALIANS!
Now, because some of you may notice the slightest hint of the Yorkshire dialect in my speaking voice, I have decided, for reasons of clarity, to present this speech in the Queens English. – But… in anticipation that there may be quests here for whom the Queens English is not their first language, I have prepared, and I am able to translate anything that you may not understand – in – to – GREEK!
AND FURTHER..… To the benefit of mainly Ross’ side of the guest list, and with no little help from Ross himself, if there is anything that YOU do not understand, I should be able to translate that, – in – to – EASTENDERS!
It is, everyone, an honour and a privilege to speak first today as Father of the Bride. It is also an advantage. An advantage, ‘cos I get first go at using all the jokes and one-liners that the three of us have nicked off the internet to try and make our speeches interesting. AND SO, if, while I am talking, you see either Ross or Spencer turn pale and suddenly start scribbling on a sheet of paper, you will know that I have used something they were planning on using!
Today, Ross has asked me to keep my speech short, so…, Obviously…., I WONT! – In fact I believe there may be a book running, betting on the length of time of my speech, and if there is, may I ask whoever is running it, to put me down for..… – fifty nine minutes and thirty eight seconds!
Now the shortest speech I heard of was made by a man called Winston Churchill. In his retirement Churchill was asked to return to his former school and give the current boys there a motivational talk. He stood up, and he said five words. He said….…
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP.
These words, as you know Ross, are an inspiration to your wife, Words that have driven her with determination and ambition to achieve so much in her career in such a short time
YOU SEE EVERYBODY: – Alex is a very determined young woman. IF Alex sees something that she WANTS, Alex makes damned sure that she gets it!!!
— Which is why Ross, – you mate, – were DOOMED from the start.
Ah the start: The day Alex was born the nurse came up to me carrying a little bundle in a towel. She said “Chris, your daughter looks just like you!” I said, “Well..… Err ….thanks Nurse.… um, – you are holding her THE WRONG WAY UP!
And then ……and then everybody, Alex grew up! A bit too damn quick for my liking, but she grew up. AND THEN..… She brought home Ross, – and his tattoo's.
I liked, Ross, – and his tattoos, – and over the next few months I liked him more. I found Ross to be a KIND young man.
I found Ross to be a KIND & GENTLE young man
A KIND GENTLE & THOUGHTFUL young man
KIND, GENTLE, THOUGHTFUL and GENEROUS.…
Err…
– Kind, gentle and thoughtful.
And over the months I realised that Ross was the sort of man who DESERVED a Good Wife.
And Ross, may I say today, how very happy I am …That you married Alex before you found one!
They've been brought up well these two, high moral values. So much so that when they went on holiday to Barcelona, Alex, fearing embarrassment about checking into the hotel with different surnames, Alex asked Ross if they could pretend they were married and had been for a while.
Ross agreed. …… He let Alex carry the suitcases.
It was from Barcelona that we received news of the engagement. By text message:-
“Dad, Mary, I'm engaged to be married. Wahey, Love Alex”
Five minutes later we got another text:-
“Dad, Mary, – So is Ross”
That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is an example of what has come to be known in our household as an Alex Moment. You all know what a blonde moment is, well in our house, that's an Alex Moment. But I am not going to regale you here today with a long list of examples of Alex Moments to the humiliation of my daughter on her wedding day. Oh no. I am going to leave that up to Ross and Spencer.
But before moving on, Ross, I'd like to point out that Alex moments are catching – aren't they mate? Alex and Ross, at our house last Christmas: Ross comes in and says
“Alex, there's a new restaurant in Ilkley, – It's called the KASHMIRI SPICE. I wonder what food they do Alex???”
Alex looks up at him from under her fringe, with her brain in gear and says:
“Kashmiri Spice Ross? That'll be Pie & Mash, – BONEHEAD!”
Well, I must say, I was a bit scared about speaking here today, but you lot have been great. Not like the last time I found myself public speaking here in Croydon. I was at the Aerodrome, out on Purley Road, and I was there to speak to the, err, the: ”Croydon & Shirley PVC and leather wearer's bondage club” – you see I give talks on PVC. – PVC Building Products, – which did not go down right well….…
HOWEVER: I must say what a nice surprise it is to see some of you from there, here, this afternoon, – in normal gear!
……Sammy. …….Ian. ….Vonny. …..and Becky.
SO, here we are in Braithwaite Hall. It could have been different. Ross’ first plan was to get married in the Philippines, where his Uncle John & Tess are building a house, which would have suited the bridesmaids Helen & Kate, as they were only round the corner so to speak. Personally, I'm glad they didn't. I look a pillock in a sarong.
THEN there was talk of getting married in the natural beauty of the Yorkshire Dales. A place called Ilkley, at the Craiglands Hotel, nestling on the edge of a lovely moor overlooking a beautiful valley.
They had to knock that idea on the head when they found they could never get hold of the wedding co-ordinator there when she was sober.
Wait for a squeal from Jodie, Alex’ best mate, the aforementioned wedding co-ordinator, and then say:
“See what I mean?”
AND SO, Here we are in Braithwaite Hall, You see Alex and Ross wanted a lovely ceremony followed by a wedding breakfast where they could be surrounded by the dearest and most loved of their family, and the fondest and closest of their friends.
…..Sadly – They couldn't come so they had to invite you lot instead!!
And now for a soppy bit.
It may surprise you that a six-foot something-eighteen-stone rugby-playing-Northern- thug can be gentle, soppy and soft, but I can. Because you see – I, – am in touch, – with my -Southern side!
My favourite film in all the world is Mamma Mia.
And my favourite bit is at the end, after the wedding, when she stands with her back to the girls and throws her bouquet over her shoulder for one of them to catch. I love that bit.
– I suppose you all do know what catching the bouquet means don't you? –
Well..… Mark…..… That's Emma's favourite bit too!
Emma is Alex's other best mate and she ‘thinks Mark is the one’
But don't worry Mark. Emma might not catch the bouquet! But then, everybody, do you think we should give her a bit of help? YES?
Reach into bag and pull out baseball catcher's glove and pass it over. Wait for noise to subside, looking serious
As you know, I am in sales. I like selling things. I don't like giving things away. And today, I had to give away my daughter.
I thought a lot about this, and I realised I HAD to give Alex away or there could never have been a wedding.
Because, you see, before you sell Anything, first you have to Value it, to give it a Price.
…..And believe me everyone, …..No-one, could afford to pay the Price, …..that would be set by the Value, …….that I put on my Daughter!
Aaahs & tears all round, but wait for it, – remember the quips about the groom's tattoos? His arms are covered. I have bought some ‘tattoo sleeves’ from the internet. They are like tights almost, that pull on your arms and are printed with Celtic red & black tattoos. I am wearing my short sleeved shirt under my jacket……
It's very warm in here Ross, do you mind if I take my jacket off?
The laughter and flash photography has gone on enough, call them to order for the toast
And now everybody, the first toast, and the most important toast of the day, because it is to the most important people here today, Ladies and gentlemen the Bride and Groom
