Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Scott Patrick
Speech Date: aug2002
SPEECH (T was the other best man)

Firstly I would like to thank T for a hard act to follow. On behalf of the bridesmaids I also want to thank J for his kind words. Can I also say that C looks truly stunning today and Johnny looks ………..… well, just stunned!

I don't want to leave anybody out so ushers you look luvverly too!

When J asked me to join T as his best man I happily agreed knowing that his other 15 first choices were unavailable. I set about collating this speech. The best bit of advice I received was that the speech should only last as long as it takes the groom to make love-
So Ladies and gentlemen, thank you and good night! (sit down for a couple of seconds)

I have carried out many tasks for J over the last couple of days in my role as best man, most importantly getting him to bed in one piece last night. I confirm that he was safely in bed last night relatively sober and slept like a baby: that is he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mum!

INTRODUCTION: For those of you who don’ t know me I'm Scott. I first met J, aka the badger, 16 years ago when I first moved to Wales. As a fresh face in school and having started socializing with unsavory characters, HW, the Head games teacher suggested I get to know J who was “ a good rugby playing boy”. I caught up with John that day outside “Tebots” science lab and, knowing I was an Aussie import, he immediately asked me if I was an Aborigine and nicknamed me “Machariah Dreadlock” which thankfully didn't stick. A couple of days later he started calling me “oz”, which has been with me ever since. In essence I ‘spose I should thank Hywel for his intervention but I'm convinced that without J's guiding hand during my school days I could have been twice the man I am today!

During J's teenage years he was always a keen sportsman excelling in Football, Surf Life Saving and of course his greatest passion, Rugby. An unfortunate neck injury in his late teens resulted in an untimely end to his sporting career: Welsh Rugby's loss was the Brewery's financial gain- none the less Johnny has always remained ultra conscious of his health and fitness, once going so far as to train twice in one year. He is often heard to boast that his body is a temple, I agree it is a very large temple- The Taj Mahal perhaps!

STORYTIME

J has always been the leader of the laughs especially when on the beer, there was one particular instance when he was the victim:

A long, long time ago on a beach not so far away, just across the water from here in fact (point towards Poppit), the members of the Poppit Sands Life saving club organized a fancy dress party. Many people came wearing all sorts of wonderful creations- J, T and I ever the rebels turned up in our best dancing gear.

After a long night on the beer the morning after was obviously a scene best described as “carnage”, with the lifesaving hut a mass of bodies and mess. J, in a rare scene, was especially rough and blamed a “bad pint”. He spent the morning haunched over the sink spewing for Wales. On one of these occasions, as J was wearing only boxer shorts, defenseless, with his head over the sink:

It was at this time that 3 heinous acts took place : all names have been changed for legal reasons!

A future Welsh International Rugby player, who we shall call “W”, to spare his blushes, urinated over Johnny's back, laughing all the while, then stood back to admire his handy work.

Another international endurance athlete and, world beach 2km champion, to be called “A” for this account, then mashed hamburger meat and sausages into poor Johnny's hair causing him to find pieces of raw meat in his quiff for 3 weeks after the event.

A lesser known deviant and future proud member of the Metropolitan Police “T” was rubbing sand into the groin area within Johnny's boxer shorts, effectively giving him what has become known in the trade as an “organ grinder”.

M and I, the quieter members of the group, stood back obviously shocked at the boys’ behaviour.

About 20 minutes later when J came around he went to the “lost and found area” in the SL Hut to find suitable clothing to wear home to replace his clothing, which was ruined in the previous evenings activities.

Later that morning J somehow managed to cycle the 3miles home on a bmx bike designed for a 7 year old. Thinking this was the end of J we eventually followed him, finding a large luminescent green spew approx 3” wide at the top of the Webley hill- the tarmac is still discolored to this day!

J has changed a massive amount since these youthful days of outrageous drunken behavior; he is now

13years older,
4 inches taller,
2 stone heavier with a couple of grey hairs (aka the badger).

Before I continue I want to thank the various groups that joined J, T and I on stag trips this year especially the Gran Canaria 10 who enjoyed a quiet, sober, stress free week in June and somehow managed to avoid The curse of the “highly dangerous black tarantula”.

I feel obliged to go with tradition and show pictures of J in his true light, I havent got any baby photos of J as he was an ugly child, so much so that B, his mother, started her morning sickness after he was born!!

SHOW PHOTOS

J suffering with flu in GC this year: nothing to do with 16 pints of VRB in 24hrs!
J miffed at not winning the fancy dress of the day award!
J has always been a dedicated follower of fashion: this is his 70s retro look of a couple of years ago!
has always been tight, whilst on Ts stag week he refused to pay for medical treatment opting to cure his piles himself!

J is a top mate and has always been there for me at the lowest points of my life, most memorably:

When I first sampled alcohol at 14yrs in the Emlyn Arms and ended up spewing for Britain on my parents carpet- J was there

When I was thrown out of every French lesson in the 3rd form- J was there

When I was stranded in Ireland having been banned from the ferry whilst on tour with Cardigan RFC- J was there

When I had my first car crash- J was there

When on the morning following my 18th birthday party, I discovered large portions of my hair had been hacked off in the night- J was there

Were these unlucky coincidences or was J the cruel instigator- Ill let you decide.

In all seriousness I agree with T's now famous saying “the badger has changed its spots”. It is great to see him having changed his wild ways reacting to Cs’ steadying influence and is relishing the challenges of married life- I personally wish you both the very best of fortunes in your new life together and I thank you from T and myself for allowing us to play such an important part in your big day.

Can you please be upstanding and raise your glasses:

(toast) J and C