Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Adam
Speech Date: 12/09/2018 11:48:13
Best man's speech
Ladies and Gentleman, if there is anyone here amongst us this afternoon who should be feeling nervous, apprehensive and maybe little queasy at the thought of what lies ahead… It's probably because you have just married Liam.
For those who do not know me, my name is Adam and I would like to thank Liam for finally confirming that I am indeed the best man.
I have recently read that a best man's speech should take as long as the groom does to make love.
(Check watch and sit down)
Anyway thanks to Liam for his introduction, a tough act to follow as I am sure you will agree. What Liam seems to have forgotten though is that he was my best man. So what we have learnt here today, is that Liam is obviously a glutton for punishment and has only himself to blame for the following presentation.
But before I begin with the obligatory character assassination, On behalf of the beautiful bridesmaids I would like to thank Liam and Natalie for including us on this very special day. I know how much effort and preparation has gone in to today and I can assure you Natalie, that Liam is having a lovely time. To be truthful we all thought that he would never find someone to marry, never mind a girl.
Speaking of the bridesmaids, aren't they looking fantastic ladies and gentleman? Thank you for convincing Natalie to make it here on time and doesn't she look absolutely stunning.
And let us thank the Ushers, whom played a vital role in being able to point the guests towards their seats. God only knows where the guests may have ended up. Just saying lads there is probably a reason I am stood up here and you guys aren't.
Some would describe as loyal, caring, sincere, popular, honest, good looking and most of all modest. But that's enough about me; we should maybe talk about Liam.
Liam and I first met whilst he had hair in September 2006 when we were both enrolled on the Diagnostic Radiography degree at Liverpool University. Something that we immediately had in common is that we both subsequently went onto fail this degree. I fell at the last hurdle and failed my dissertation whereas Liam flaked out just after Christmas 2006. He claimed the radiation was making his hair fall out. He was doing it wrong.
Liam failed in many subjects within this degree, for example anatomy. When the lecturers asked “At what point is it appropriate to x-ray a female patient on her menstrual cycle?”
“Why would I take pictures of a woman riding a bicycle?”
In physics Liam fared no better, he thought protons are those little bits of toast you get on top of soup.
Liam and I have shared many a good time together whether it be working at the gym, ([squeeze each other's bicep] you can tell we didn't work that hard) watching the Formula One or going to Portugal with the lads (awkward look towards the lads and use cut throat gesture). We have always enjoyed each other's company.
But one of my fondest memories of Uncle Fester over here, is when he was part of the Manchester Mini Owners Club. Twice together we went to the highlight of the mini owners club calendar held at Santa Pod Race Way. One year as part of a team we won the trophy for being the quickest club to push a mini and its driver around a set course. It was a very proud moment. What wasn't a proud moment was the next year we visited, how can I put this, Liam had himself a little, shall we say accident. Following an evening of sulking because Liam had to spend a night in a tent away from the comforts of his own bed and mother, Liam nominated himself as chief BBQ chef because apparently no one else knew what they were doing. Liam this is your opportunity to pay me to stop telling this tale.
The following day we had a look around at all of the cars and went to watch some of them compete racing down the drag strip. As we were sat down and Liam, being the gentleman that he is, lets one rip. Whilst the rest of us were obviously disgusted, Liam looked quite smug and cheered, “oh dear that felt a little wet!”
So we carried on watching the cars for a further two hours all the while Liam was blissfully unaware that the bottom had quite literally fallen out of his afternoon. We then decided we should go and look at some of the stands.
Upon standing up Liam turns round and declares that he has sat in something.
Ladies and gentleman if you take anything away from today, let it be this, the next time you have a dickie tummy, beige cargo shorts are never a good choice of attire.
We renamed Santa Pod to Santa Poo'd after the incident and Liam took the Mini off the road and it has since sold it and we never returned. That was the level of trauma we are talking. As some of you will know, we went to watch the touring cars on the Stag do. What else could a best man do other than make sure Liam was fitted with pair of these. We didn't want the same level of embarrassment as last time (holds up adults nappy from stag do).
I could go on humiliating Liam but I have to remind myself that there are children present and he can do a good job of it himself anyway. I have other stories about Liam that are available for a small fee at the bar later, mines a Jack Daniels and Coke.
I hope you have all had a wonderful day today and again I would like to thank Liam and Natalie for letting us all be a part of it.
I sincerely hope the pair of you have a long and happy marriage together. And Natalie I know Liam to have a soft gooey centre really. I know that you will make him very happy and you are everything that he needs. Just please try and look after him as much as his mum does. And Liam, speaking of your parents, if you base your marriage on theirs, then I am sure you will both will be happy for a very, very, long, long time.
Natalie it is only right and proper to mention your parents too. I am sure that your mother, Janice has been looking forward to today and she looked absolutely gorgeous as she gave you away. It is very great shame that your father Barry cannot be here to see his baby girl all grown up, looking beautiful and radiant and ready to take the next step into the journey of life. I am sure that not just today but every day that he would be very, very proud and honoured to have you as a daughter. And I am sure he would also be proud to accept Liam into the family as his son in law.
Finally, it has been a fairy tale of a day. Some would argue, yeah like Beauty and the Beast. But for me however it has been more reminiscent of Shrek. Not only is it one of Liam's favourite films and not only does he look like him but he has finally found his Princess Fiona (Oh and Natalie we talking first Shrek film here, when she looks hot, it's a compliment honestly) and mate don't worry as long as you two are around, I will always be your Donkey.
So may I ask you all to stand, please raise your glasses and toast.