Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Richard Phillips
Speech Date: Jul2004
Good evening my name is Richard Phillips, I am an alcoholic.
Oh sorry that's Monday nights speech
For those who do not know me my name is Richard and I have known Alan
for as long as I can remember:
actually my memory is quite poor and only stretches back about 2 weeks
but I'm sure I've known him for longer that!
I hope still to be friends at the end of this speech.
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Alan for his
kind and thoughtful words
They also said, Alan, that you look very different sober!
Well Alan, I hope you made the most of your speech.. now you're a
married man that'll be the last time you get to speak
for 3 minutes without being interrupted!
I'm sure we all agree that not only do the bridesmaids look fantastic,
but they have done a brilliant job today
not the least of which was getting Sam to the church – I understand she
put up quite a struggle!
the tactics used were a bit over the top dragging her down the road to
the church kicking and screaming. .
Thanks also go to the Ushers who have done a great job – ushering people.
Now, if there's anybody here this afternoon that's feeling nervous,
apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead;
it's probably because you have just got married to Alan.
I would also like to thank both Sam and Alan personally, for bestowing
on me the great BURDEN of being their Best Man
today, though I am hoping by the end of this, they will be regretting
But since I have been living with my girlfriend now for a few years,
giving this speech is the first chance in ages I've had to
hear the sound of my own voice.
Seriously for those of you who really don't know me I am a complete
novice at public speaking. And I have an
overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.
I asked Alan if he was nervous about making his speech and he said it
was a good idea to think of every one being naked and practice on your
own a lot,
We'll he can stop that now he's married.
But me being neither an optimist nor pessimist but a realist
I'll image you all so drunk tonight that you'll remember none of it.
Alan asked me to be his best man about a year ago and I can't tell you
how much I have been looking forward to it. (smile)
when he asked me to be his best man he did so with a big smile on his
face. He said I should sing his praise and tell you all his good points,
well I can't sing and I won't lie, So lets hope he's still smiling when
Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I
would like to congratulate Sam on her meticulous
if not military planning for this wedding. I'd like to thank her for the
numerous lists, phone calls, messages and orders I have received over
the last few weeks.
Note to Richard, Will you please ensure the following, that you get
1, on time
2, sober , Which is unusual
3 Smart, that took a while but I eventually persuaded Alan, that the
Church had a smart no jeans and trainers policy.
4. "Bring a bag with the following items for emergencies:
Aspirin, antacid, deodorant, toothpaste, viagra. Oh, sorry Alan I wasn't
going to mention that.
5. "Make a speech to the bride and groom."
I think that I was a little naive in thinking that this would be JUST to
the bride and groom. I had envisaged a short
talk over a nice cup of tea. I hadn't realised that they would be 150
other people here.
Wasn't the wedding service great. Whilst waiting for the bridal party to
arrive, I found myself talking with the vicar,
and me not being from a religious family, I asked him his opinion on
sex before marriage.
He said it was fine as long as it didn't delay the service.
I think we all agree that Sam looks absolutely gorgeous today. And
wearing that fantastic white dress, she won't
have any trouble identifying where Alan spat or dibbled his food on her
during the meal.
Alan, I think you've done extremely well. You've found someone who's
beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring.
And Sam, well, you've got … Alan. Who said marriage has to be a
partnership of equals?
We all know Alan needed someone to, how can I put it, point him in the
right direction in life,
but Sam not only points him in the right direction, but also tells him
what time to set off, where from,
where to, how long, and make sure he phones at least three times.
But what can I say about Alan that hasn't appeared in an episode of the
Jerry Springer show.
Alan and I grew up in Chingford, we would meet up every morning before
school at the bus stop.
I would catch the 121 bus to school, I never did find out where Alan went.
I have been wracking my brain to think of an amusing tale to tell you
about our youth but I am mindful of the
probability and likely attendance of lawyers, and the fact that we don't
have a statute of limitations.
However Alan did invite me to a BBQ a couple of weeks ago,
I noticed he had no trouble in lighting the fire, nothing changed from
his younger days then.
Alan and I did loose touch for a number of years and I had to ask a few
friends and family for an insight of that time.
You wouldn't think to look at him but he has been quite a sportsman in
his time, he used to play Sunday football.,
so I asked some of his team mates about his abilities, they said he was
absolutely useless in every position.
Sam I hope you have better luck with him.
It would also seem he lost his way and joined the Capri owners club,
where he was the proud owner of not 1 not 2 but 3 Ford Capri's.
I here he is still a secret card carrier.
I also asked mike Sam's dad memories of Sam that I could put in my
speech, Mikes wise words were
" it's funny how life repeats itself, I remember Sam 30 years ago
sitting there with her dummy, and just look at her now.
now before I toast the happy couple I would just like to read two
passage one for each of you, good word of wisdom I thought.
First to Sam
If you love something set it free, if it comes back, it was and always
will be yours, if it never returns it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in the lounge and messes up your stuff, eat your food,
uses your phone, takes your money, and never act
as if you set it free in the first place
you either married it or gave birth to it.
Alan.. finally I say to you.
The best way to remember your anniversary, is to forget it once !!!
The key to a long and happy marriage is knowing when to use those three
"you're right dear"
I would like to wish you a happy marriage and hope you have a great
honey moon just so you know the honeymoon is the part between
"I do" and you'd better"
On to the Telegrams and Cards
. To Alan and Sam
In the words of Oscar Wilde.… "Women are meant to be loved, not understood"
And men are like fish; neither would get into trouble if they kept their
Best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole Farkin family.
There are a couple for you Alan.…
Don't go forgetting us now you are married Alan.…
Love all the girls at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium
Alan, I will miss your muscular arms, your beautiful toned
body and I will never forget our intimate nights by the pool… thanks for
everything… Lots of Love…………………….… Michael Barrymore.
Ladies and gentlemen there is obviously a couple of very special people
here today who we all have the
utmost respect and admiration for and whom we could not do without,
at some stage this evening I'm sure we all will be sharing with them our
thoughts on this special day
and giving them our thanks for making it so special,
so ladies and gentlemen I would like to propose a toast to the bar staff
No seriously my final words are for you Alan and Sam
May your love be modern enough to survive the times
And old fashioned enough to last forever
Would you all now be upstanding and raise your glasses to the new Mr and
ALAN AND SAM!