Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Prit Mudhar
Speech Date: sep 2002
Intro
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. I'm sure you will agree that everything has gone well so far. Unfortunately, you can't expect 100% perfection, which means you will have to suffer me for the next few minutes
A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………so thank you and goodnight
(SIT DOWN – Wave Goodbye)
I must confess this is a bit nerve-racking, and I can truthfully say that this is about the 4th time today I‘ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand …
Thank Bridesmaids
Before I carry on, I would just like to thank the Brides Maids for performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day.
I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers!
Main – Opening
As you may have gathered, I have the pleasure of being <groom>’s’ best man. For those of you who don't already know me, my name is Prit, although I do insist that you call me by my full name which is “Prit – what you havin” … … … … So when you see me later on, probably in or around the bar area, be sure to say to me “Hi Prit – what you havin”, and I'll be sure to reply …
One of the privileges of being the best man, is that I get the best seat in the Church for the service. Indeed, before the wedding I had a quick chat with the Vicar and, being a good boy, I asked him for his thoughts regarding sex before marriage …he looked around, leaned across and whispered “I have no problems with that whatsoever – providing it doesn't delay the ceremony!” – …………… Which reminds me, I must congratulate him on the size of his organ!
Main – Best Mans Duties
Once <groom> had asked me to be his best man, I thought I best read up the Bestmans duties in a wedding etiquette guide. Here are the top four:
Ensure the groom chooses his clothes wisely ……… Well there wasn't a suit in the shop that he didn't try on….and I must admit, he has scrubbed up pretty well, even though he has picked the same clothes as me …….… although it was a bit of a surprise when he asked the shop owner if he could throw in a spare pair of underpants too.
Ensure the groom gets a decent nights sleep before the big day. I'm happy to report the <groom> did sleep like a baby last night, he was up on the hour every hour crying for his mummy !!!
Bring along a bag containing the following …toothpaste, spare cash, deodorant, and Viagra (sorry, that should have read aspirin !)
Ensure the grooms and hair are ‘in order’ well ….(God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
Main –groom
During my research into <groom>’s past I tried to get in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send <bride> a sympathy card. But it appears that since the outbreak of foot and mouth, most of them have either been shot, or are still in quarantine.
I have however managed to obtain some of <groom>’s old school reports and some comments from his work colleagues, they all tell a similar story:
groom was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’.
Sorry that should be, ‘groom was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’
Geography
groom is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.

Biology
Whilst groom is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.

Religious Education
groom's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Technical Drawing
groom has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimeters.

On leaving school groom's teen age years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something he still hasn't grown out of yet.
Now groom is a hard working young man and his boss made these comments:
‘Working with groom is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’
Stag-doo
As many of you are aware <groom> is a fun loving, clean cut, kind of guy . He is also a doting father to his beautiful daughter <C>.… So you can imagine the great shock I received when he begged me to organize the stag doo in the culture capital of Europe – AMSTERDAM !!!!
So after scraping my initial plan for a quite site seeing trip of the English coast line, I made the arrangements and 13 of us set off.
Now, I could stand here and relive to you in great detail what happened on his Stag doo, but due to the large amounts of alcohol which I, and the rest of the stag party consumed, I can't remember.
The one memory which does stick out like a saw thumb, is one of <groom> drunkenly running around the hotel corridors with nothing on, desperately trying to get one of the stag party to let him into there room.
This was not through his own choice, but forced upon him after his underwear was torn off by various members of the party………… WELL BOYS WILL BE BOYS !!!!
groom did, however take it like a man and after about fifteen minutes he managed to grab a towel to cover himself up from a quite shocked looking chamber maid. Once we'd let him back into the room, he sat down poured himself a drink and looked quite angry………… I asked him if he was ok, and explained it was all harmless fun, tradition in fact ……… he looked at me, picked up the torn remains of his underwear and said “I'm not bothered about the stripping, or the fact that you left me out there for so long,… but you've torn off my best PANTS !!!!”
When we returned to England <bride> confirmed this fact by suspiciously asking groom where his best pants were ………… well that's the story were telling her !!!

I do have some pictures of the stag-doo, so if the girlfriends and wives of all the men who attended would like to see them, this can be arranged for a nominal fee,………… and believe me its worth the money.

bride
On a serious note, I would just like to say that bride looks absolutely stunning today as I'm sure you will all agree … groom just looks …… well … stunned.
If you didn't already know bride has been planning and organizing this wedding for sometime now …….… since she was about 7 to be exact, but all the planning has equaled perfection.
I must also mention that bride is a fantastic loving mother to <C> and every spare moment she has, she spends with her.
So enjoy the day bride, its all for you.
Cards + Telegrams
While everyone's still awake I'd like to read some of the cards and telegrams which <groom> and <bride> have received from Family and Friends:
Read close Family cards –
Funnies
To <bride>: Shame it didn't work between us, However, if the rumours are true about <groom>, ring me – Robbie Williams
To <groom>: We could have been so good together, I will miss our nights by the pool – lots of love, Michael Barrymore.
Advice
Before I finish, I would like to give <groom> some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.
(Turn and look at <groom>)
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything <bride> says!
Secondly, never be afraid that <bride> will leave you – she's spent time training you , she's not going to throw that away lightly!
Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”
Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…
Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”
As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.
Finish
Finally if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will pass past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.
(Drink and Sit Back Down)
And I suppose we better not forget the new Mr. and Mrs. <groom's surname>
If you would all like to stand again and raise your glasses and join me in a toast.
Toast
You do not marry someone you can live with, only someone you cannot live without
May you love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever
Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. and Mrs. <groom's surname>.