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Speech by Nicholas Cardwell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nicholas Cardwell
Speech Date: Oct2006
Good afternoon everyone and thank you for coming to this special occasion, its lovely to see SO MANY FRIENDS and family here.

Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

They say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT……SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS… So here goes…

For those who don't know me, my name is Nick what-would-you-like-to-drink. I hope as many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.

Unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Simon and Sheena that if there is anything slightly risqu&#233, I'll whip it out immediately.

First of all a big thank you to the usher for a job well done today. Especially considering ayman has difficulty with the alphabet and his left and right. So I'm glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the chapel.

I'd also like to add my own compliments to sheena , who I think you'll agree, looks absolutely stunning today! simon, on the other hand, just looks stunned! Also the bridesmaids who look stunning as well.

I will now do my best to give Simon the most uncomfortable five minutes of his life. For the record, the most uncomfortable five minutes of Sheena's life will becoming later on this evening, courtesy of Simon.

It's the first time I've had the honour of being a best man, It's the first time that Simon has complimented me in over 25 years, and best of all it's the first time I've got a free dinner out of him

For today I have done quite a bit of research towards this speech, and being in IT I decided to look on the Internet. After a while, I finally found some really good stuff…but it had nothing to do with being a best man.

I believe my main responsibilities for today are:

To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!

Simon was born on 25th June 1978 , which was the same year ymca was released.…

He also shares a birthday with such notables as julian clary and george michael.

This may help explain last week on his stag doo , simon him dressed as davvid from little britiain.… .

There are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting to tell, but can't really be told. The ones that simon invented about himself for the Reader's Letters section of Playboy magazine would be a perfect example..

So here is the ones I can tell.…

When Simon was younger if he did anything really bad my dad use to get the belt out. Simon in his wisdom decided that it had to go, so he got the belt and burnt it on a bonfire. Still to this day dad didn't know what happened to his belt!

Dad use to call him the exorcist in the house. Every time he came around, he rids the house of all the spirits…… or at the very least top them up with water.

I've spoken to simon work colleagues who tell me that his nickname at work is The God, its true, apparently he makes his own rules and if he does any work it's a miracle

I was also going to mention some of simons ex-girlfriends, as is traditional in a Best Man's speech. Fortunately though due to BSE &amp Foot and Mouth outbreak they are not able to make it..

Now traditionally I have to offer you some advice
Simon, never be complacent, always keep an eye out for those little tell tail signs in your relationship……….like if you see the milkman wearing your socks.

Simon also just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in chapel and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!

Sheena also remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand simon women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache

Oh ONE LAST THING BEFORE I READ SOME CARDS OUT, not a lot of people know this but Sheenas got a NICK NAME FOR simon….yes I found out…….He's called HOLIDAY BOY…apparently he's GOOD WHILE HE LASTS, BUT SHE WISHES HE WAS LONGER.

Well, I think that's enough to keep him embarrassed for now. There are only a couple of other things to do, one of which is to read out a few cards:

Dear simon,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice.
Love Michael Barrymore.

Dear Sheena
It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married.
From Brad Pitt

So to wrap this up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and May I ask you to raise you glasses to Simon and Shenna, also known as, Mr and Mrs Cardwell!!!!!!!

Joke fails
Was running that gag in for another best man. I'll tell him to bin it

microphone fails.
First of all, I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re assure you that you're not missing out on anything

Glass smashes
I'm pleased you're having such a smashing time.
Please save your applause until I've finished.
Yeh, I didn't like the wine either.