Speech by Neil Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil Davies
Speech Date: 03/05/2010 16:38:35

Pete I thought your speech would be hard to follow and it was, I could hardly follow any of it….

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, before I start my speech I would just like to echo Pete's thanks to Sophie I think you'll agree she has done a great job, looks fantastic and is only rightly outshone by the bride, George.   Sorry Babe……well that's me sleeping in the car tonight!

I do think it is a bit much to thank Tony though for “ushering”, well done on getting a few people into one room, that must rank up there with your biggest achievements in life!…  Only joking mate thanks for your efforts you have done a smashing job.

Well for those of you who don't know who I am, or who weren't listening when Pete was talking, I'm Neil and I'm Pete's best man for today.  It was an honour to be asked by Pete to be his best man on this important day in his life. I wanted to do the job justice so I decided to do some research into the responsibilities of the best man, a couple of things jumped out at me.

The first one was – Helping the groom with his appearance on his wedding day.  Including assisting the groom with dressing and ensuring his face and hair are in order.… As you can imagine, with Pete, not an easy job.  First of all Pete if you can't manage to dress yourself at 27 you are certainly not ready to get married.  And second that is nothing to do with me, that is all Pete's own work.

The second thing that caught my eye was, and I am not making this up, it is on the internet so it must be true. Keeping angry ex's girlfriends away from the wedding.  This was much easier than the last one thanks to the swine flu outbreak last year…

For those of you that don't know, I met Pete while we were working at the world famous Damons Restaurant in Beighton, which I must admit seems like a life time ago now.  Working in the kitchen at Damons was a doubled edged sword for Pete, surrounded by his one of his main passions in life, as you can tell, but it also unfortunately meant he had to face his own personal occupational hazard, that he could at anytime be sacked for eating on the job.  I'm sure this happened at least twice didn't it Pete….

While working at Damons Pete also got the nickname of God impressive eh….mmmmmm No.  The reason behind it was because no one ever knew if he was there and if he did finally do any work it was a miracle.

Pete moved from Damons to Doncasters in Halfway where I think he just smashes metal about a bit for a living, is that right Pete???  He has obtained another interesting nickname there, Smiling Pete.  Those of you who know Pete will know this is not ironic in the slightest, Pete always has a smile across his face.  I have a few contacts at Doncasters so got one of them to ask Pete's supervisor why he thought Pete smiled all the time.  He said, and I quote, “I don't think that kid is smart enough to know what to worry about” Well have fun at work on Tuesday Pete.

Now I was going to tell a few really embarrassing stories about Pete, but George said I wasn't allowed.  I don't know about the rest of you but I value my life so what George wants, George gets!

I'll stop making Pete squirm now and just share one other thing with you all.  I got a quote from one of Pete's old PE school report, I think it was cricket.  In the comments field at the bottom it just said “Peter is useless in all positions” George hopefully you will have better luck tonight!

Pete my final tradition is to give you a few pointers for married life…… so I consulted my old friend the internet and came up with some top tips.

1. Firstly Remember – Your speech is probably the last time you're going to be able to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted by your wife.

2. Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight. And I've always lived by this – which probably explains why the neighbours are always calling the Police at three in the morning to complain about the shouting

3. Apparently marriage should be a 50/50 partnership. Pete you need to realise whoever wrote this knows little about women and even less about fractions.

4. And finally, the Holy Grail Pete, the three words that will end any argument, “You're Right Darling”.

That's nearly it from me and so we can all have some food, I have just one more thing left to do, the serious part.

I would like to say the best of luck to the two of you, I really am absolutely delighted for both of you. I have no doubt in my mind you will be successful in everything you attempt in life. I hope you have a long and happy future together.

And thank you Pete, it really has been a great honour to be your best man, there really are not enough people like you in the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen it now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses or bottles to the new Mr & Mrs Robinson… To Pete and George

Thank you all and enjoy the rest of the day.