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Speech by Michael Gribben

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Michael Gribben
Speech Date: 07/10/2012 11:37:23

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and free loaders.

I thought Daniel did a great job at his speech I hope you all did too but Daniel now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted

For those of you who don't know my name is Michael and I am Daniels uncle.

When Daniel asked me to be his best man I was initially made up. But it didn't take long for this feeling of wellbeing to dissolve into utter fear as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined £200…

But I was very proud when he asked me to be best man as I don't really class him as a nephew I class him more of an irritable little brother.

Normally people get nervous about speaking in public but I am actually quite excited doing this because I have been told by Daniel that if I do a good best man's speech today I can do it again at his next wedding.

One of the tasks of being best man is to get the groom to the hall on time and to make sure his face and hair are in order; basically I've just done the best with what I had to work with.

I'd like to talk to you about a very kind, intelligent and special man but I've been told today is not about me so I'm going to talk about Daniel instead.

Daniel was born on 12 July 1988, he wasn't a pretty baby, in fact his mum didn't get morning sickness until after he was born.

He was raised as an only child, which really annoyed his two sisters.

Growing up Daniel was very poor and if it wasn't for the fact he was a boy he wouldn't have had anything to play with.

He was a slower starter in life, at nursery he was different from all the other 5 year olds…that's because he was 11.

As Daniel became a teenager and his personality started to develop people started to comment on how similar we both were. But in fact we were total opposites, I liked Indian food, Daniel preferred Chinese, I had a soft spot for blondes, he chased brunettes. I liked girls and he liked…Well, you get the picture.

Teenage life is never an easy time and rejection is by far the worst thing, I know all about rejection, from bars for not looking old enough, from jobs for not being smart enough and from women for not being charming enough, yes I have witnessed Daniel going through all of these things.

Daniel loved Batman and we would both run around for hours with tea towels as capes pretending to fight crime, but we would always end up arguing with him saying I was too big to be Batman and I would say your too much of a girl to be Batman and then we would both go off crying to our mums. But the next day without fail I would send him an email from work to apologise and everything would be ok.

Daniel had many girlfriends growing up, sorry there is a smudge on the page it should girlfriend, sorry there is another smudge it should be imaginary girlfriends. And the weird thing is all his imaginary girlfriends broke up with him

So you can imagine that everyone in our family was shocked when he told us he had met a real girl in Nina, but after meeting her we all realised why he liked her so much.

Before meeting Nina I asked Daniel what was the one thing he would change about her, well he said she is not very bright, the other I asked her what her favourite type of flower was, and she replied self raising.

I'm sure you will agree she looks stunning today, and it's nice to see you wearing make up for a change.

I was talking to Nina's dad earlier and he was saying as a young girl she was never as happy as when she had her dummy with her…Some things never change he said look how happy she is today.

Now traditionally, as Best man, it falls to me to offer Daniel some general advice for a happy and long lasting marriage. I've managed to condense this advice into 11 short rules. So, Daniel if you remember and abide by these rules you should be ok:

1. Nina always makes the rules. 2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. Daniel can never possibly know all the rules. 4. If Nina suspects that Daniel knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. Nina is never wrong. 6. If Nina is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Daniel said or did wrong. 7. Nina can change her mind at any given point in time. 8. Daniel must never change his mind without express written consent from Nina 9. Nina has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 10. Nina must under no circumstances let Daniel know what's on her mind or whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset. 11. And finally never forget to say those 3 little words everyday for the rest of your life – you're right dear.

I know it's been hectic planning this wedding but I'm sure you will all agree it's been a brilliant day so far.

Daniel has been staying at mine for the last few weeks and I'm not saying he is hard to live with but he recently came down with a 24 hour flu, see even a virus can't put up with him any longer than that.

Anyway  all the neighbours have seen us come and go and it dawned on me today when the wedding car turned up and we both got in to it with our wedding suits on that they must think we were getting married.

Daniel and Nina had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide where everyone should sit. So Daniel decided to link it to the wedding present list and He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there…

So [*“pause” and look around at the back for someone*] on behalf of Daniel and Nina thanks for the oven glove!

A few weeks ago Nina sent me a letter giving me some guidelines on what I can and cannot say in my speech. I have the letter here.

It says:

Michael, I was very pleased when Daniel asked you to be best man at our wedding. I instantly knew he made the right decision and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent, better looking person than you to fulfil this crucial role on our big day.

As we get close to the wedding, most tasks have been taken care of but there are two areas that cause me a little concern…Your speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes fun at Daniel but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we will all have a wonderful day:

Do not use bad language Do not sing Do not let Daniel sing Don't mention Daniel's little problem Don't mention Daniel's rash Don't mention that night he challenged his uncle Michael, to see who could drink the most red wine, and when he lost by a mile he was sick red wine through his nose. And above all don't mention that night in the hotel with those two Thai lady boys.

Ok Nina I promise not to mention any of those things.

I`d like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be Daniel's best man today, and I`m glad he`s finally admitted that I am the better man!

I would like to congratulate you both on your marriage and I wish you all the happiness in the word

As a closing note I would like to leave you with a quote about marriage:

‘All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.’