Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jonathan Bryson
Speech Date: oct 2003
Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am the best man and for those of you that don't know me my full “proper” name is Jonny, “would you like a Morgans and lemonade” – so please feel free to address me by my full name when you meet me at the bar later! [pause]
When Jon asked me to be his best man I was a bit surprised, but I must say thank you to Jon: it is a great honour that I shall never forget.
However, I feel like I have inherited a harem though: I know exactly what to do, but where do I start! [pause]
Thankfully, the best mans book gave me a bit of guidance there. Now some of you will be expecting me to embarrass Jon in front of his new in-laws, with stories about his past, or dish the dirt on that night when Jon and Lesley first met down the Subway!!! [pause]
Alas, that is not my task today. I am here to respond to Jon's speech on behalf of the bridesmaids, read a few cards and then head to the bar! [pause]
So Jon, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd just like to thank you for the kind words that you said about them. I can only echo what has already been said: they do indeed look lovely! They are only out done by the radiance of the star of the day – of course Lesley! [pause]
Jon, you have chosen a lovely girl to be your wife and I hope that you both have a fantastic life together!
Before the toast, I would just like to say a few more words. Firstly about the past, and later about the future! [pause]
So to the past. Jon and I have known each other for over 10 years, so I have been witness to, or privy to stories of many a good night out with Jon.
I'd like to tell you all about the stag in Prague, but due to my status as general lightweight, this was one of the nights I was not witness to.
What can be revealed though is the real reason why Jon wouldn't wear a kilt today. It is not because he doesn't like the Scottish national dress, it is more that he really seems to enjoy wearing his own national dress! I must say if I'd known he liked Morris Dancing so much I'd have gotten a maypole as a wedding present!
It is well known that Jon used to think of himself as a bit of a ladies man. His targets were many, including Kate, Linda, Cindy, Naomi and Claudia. But little were we to know that those posters would quickly come down off the bedroom wall when Jon met his very own supermodel, Lesley [pause] in the Subway of all places!
So what of the night they met. Well let me take you back to the days when Jon worked for Arthur Andersen – the 13th November, 1999 to be precise. Scotland v England. Jon had a very good day that day. His team scored on the park and he scored on the dance floor. [pause] Git. [pause]
I was sure, with my tartan tammy on after the match I'd get the sympathy vote down the subway, but alas no, that strategy never worked. Jon was the lucky one that night and the lads hardly saw him as he danced the night away with a stunner in the corner. The rest, as they say, is history. [pause]
But, I have since found out that history could have been somewhat different. Jon had one minor flaw in his gameplan!
Ever the gent, Jon left Lesley with his telephone number – on his business card. It was nearly fatal to the relationship. On the way home Lesley misread the card and seemingly told her friends that although he was nice, she just couldn't see herself going out with a guy called Arthur Andersen!
Fortunately, in a more sober state the next morning, she realised her mistake and the rest really is history.
Enough of the past. Jon and Lesley have tied the knot and we all hope they have a great future together.
How should they ensure that? With my recent engagement, a lot of advice has already come my way, some which may be of use. Well Jon, the key appears to be understanding women and how they communicate!
So John here is what a few words that Lesley might say really mean!
If the word “Nothing” is uttered, this actually means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards!
The statement “Go ahead” seemingly means that at some point you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
The word “Fine” is really the word that women use to end an argument when they feel that they are right and you need to shut up. Never use the word “Fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
So John, if you hear the words nothing, go ahead and fine within a couple of minutes of each other, remember that you have two words to fall back on
“yes” [pause] and “dear” [pause].
After sharing a flat with Jon, there is one thing that I should warn Lesley about for the future. Jon has a tendency to go sleep walking. In third year at university, I was awoken one night with Jon wandering into my room approaching my computer. Seemingly he thought that my room was the toilet! When visiting him in Germany, he even tried to climb into bed with me! So Lesley, remember to get a good lock on your second bedroom door, so guests don't get an unexpected visitor during the night! [pause]
The Best mans book told me the best man should do 3 things in his speech: stand up [pause], speak up [pause] and shut up [pause]. Well I seem to have done the first two quite well, so it's just about time for me to do the third! [pause] Just before I do so I'd like to propose a toast. Please join me in wishing Jon and Lesley a long and happy life!
Oh, and don't forget to use my full name!