Speech by John Spencer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: John Spencer
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me, my
name is John, or as my friends call me ‘john can I buy you a pint’, so I
would like to think we are all friends here today!

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I must admit that I am a little nervous, in fact this isn't the first time
today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my
hand.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes
every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me,
but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far!

I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and Groom
for being here and sharing their special day.

I would like to thank the Bridesmaids Lesley, Sarah and Bethany and the
Usher Steve have performed their roles perfectly and I'm sure you'll all
agree that they all look fantastic.

BEST MAN
It's an honour, as well as terrifying to be Slacky and Angela's best man
today. But Slacky promises me that if I do a good job today I can be the
Best Man at his next wedding!! Angela, joke!

To help me prepare this speech I did some research via the tinternet.
Initially, I discovered that the best thing is to fork them out, and take
them to the dump or burn them. Then I realised I had searched for weeding,
not wedding.

I tried again.

I soon discovered some of the duties I am supposed to undertake..
My first duty,..… getting Slacky to the church, sober, and on time, and
eventually married. No easy task, I can tell you, but I think I succeeded.

Secondly, it was my duty to make sure that on Slacky's last night of freedom
he
was put safely to bed. Well, I can assure you all that he was in bed bright
and early, and slept like a baby.
Also during my research into weddings in general, I looked at the three key
elements of the wedding service itself.
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Angela must have done the same research, because as I heard her
walking
past me, I'm sure I heard her whisper Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn

STORY 1
I've known Slacky all of my life, and I've known him to have a few scrapes
in his time, there is one thing that he can't do, and that is walk down the
road with you without falling off the kerb.

STORY 2
There was this one time when he was coming home from college racing Shaun
back home, well they were approaching the blue bridge with Shaun just in
front, when all of a sudden Slacky's bag decides to fall from his shoulder
into his front wheel, he was then beating Shaun, unfortunately without his
bike. He managed to dislocate both his arm, Kath and Rod weren't too happy
either, as they had to tend to his toilet duties for about week or so after
that!

STORY 3
This now leads me on to my next story, this was actually before the bike
race, it was in the kerby days, you know when you stood on either side of
the road and had to bounce the ball on the opposite kerb then try to keep it
up, I was getting my usual thrashing, when up came a Labrador from the lane,
followed by the distressed owner shouting "HERE BOY, HERE BOY", well Slacky
being an animal lover, as anyone would do approached this dog, and began to
stoke its head, all seemed calm, then the owner shouted "DON'T TOUCH THE
DOG!!!" well at that point I froze… Slacky on the other hand had other
ideas, he thought you he could turn into Linford Christie by trying to out
run the dog over 60 yards, unfortunately the dog was ready and he obviously
had two more feet than Slacky, so he was slightly quicker. Slacky nearly
made it over John and Frieda fence before the dog took a bite out of his
arse.

SLACKY AND ANGELA
Slacky has known Angela for about 5 years now. I was there that night in
Northwich's top nightspot I'm sure you've all heard of it – Witton Club. All
I can say is that I'm glad Slacky didn't start doing his dancing to jazzy
Jeff and the fresh prince single Boom shake the room, that he once showed me
at Royals Discotheque in Manchester one Saturday night, I don't we'd be here
today if he did.

They do make a lovely couple though don't they? Angela looks wonderful as
usual, and Slacky has not scrubbed up too badly either. However, that's not
always been the case has it Slacky?

Slacky, do you remember that picture of you that your Mum and Dad used to
have on your mantle piece? Well I have found out the real reason behind
it.the idea was to frighten your sister Sarah from going too close to the
fire, because once she saw the picture she'd be too frightened to go
anywhere near it.

CARDS
I would now like to read a few cards from those who couldn't make it here
today.

Before I sit down I would like to say, and I'll sure you'll agree that
Angela and Richard make a lovely couple and I wish them all the best for the
future.

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TOAST
So, Ladies and Gentlemen will you please raise your glasses and join me in a
toast to the new Mr and Mrs Slack, Angela and Richard.