Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jit
Speech Date: 16/01/2018 14:41:40
Good Afternoon People
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Leon for his kind words. I think we would all agree that the bridesmaids look lovely today, especially you Gemma! You both did brilliant job making sure that Sara went against her better judgement and turned up here. Well done to James and Martin for standing around like a couple of spare ones as ushers, you did a great job!
Before I start the standard procedure of destroying and embarrassing the groom I'd like to say how beautiful Sara looks today. We may clash at times, due to us mainly being the same person and noting the obvious differences, that's boobs and a vagina in case you didn't know!
Leon, you are punching way above your weight here, you've found someone who is kind, passionate and loving. And Sara, well, you found Leon.
A little disclaimer before I continue with the rest of this speech. Apologies in advance if I cause any offence, I am just an idiot. No animals were harmed in the making of this speech.
I have been told not to make this speech too long due to the unique skill that I possess of being able to make people feel very awkward very fast. I also have it on good authority that the speech should be just as long as it will take the groom to make this marriage official later. So, with that being said, cheers to the happy couple and thanks for coming!
Before we get to into this speech, Sara can I ask that you place your hand on the table, and Leon can I ask that you place your hand on top of Sara's and stay like that for the rest of this speech, all will be revealed!
As some of you may know I am Jit, the best man. I have known Leon for over 10 years now. We first set eyes on each other when we were working at the bakery together. I remember walking down the corridor with my two collars up and gazing towards Leon. Everything was in slow motion, it was love at first sight. I swear I could hear harps in the background.
I'm not sure what it was about Leon, was it the spiked-up receding hairline, was it the outdated eyebrow piercing? Oh no, I know what it was! It was that sexy little scorpion tattoo on his forearm!
He won't admit this but he was intimidated by my two-collar thing I had going on. My thug look was coming off a treat until I opened my mouth and this squeaky unbroken voice came squawking out.
Ever since then I knew I'd be here at his wedding day, but unfortunately, I was not stood at the Altar with him!
Me and Leon have shared some good times over the years whether it be me knocking Leon out with a safety cone, which lead him to having his head glued and left him with a scar for life. Or whether it was the time we decided to sunbathe on the roof at work! We even went out in the work van for a couple of Burger Kings if I remember correctly, and when I say a couple, I mean 2 meals 1 after another. My personal highlight though was watching Leon's face when his sister-in-law Laura, who just happens to be one of the bridesmaids over there, was discussing Sara and Leon's sexual exploits in front of Sara's parents. Honestly Leon's face was a picture and so was Sara's actually. They were both as white as a sheet. I will take that with me forever because I have never laughed so hard.
Now speaking of Sara, that's when she comes in to this little love triangle, or the third wheel as I like to call her. When Sara first burst onto the scene I knew I had my work cut out for me to keep Leon's attention! I was perfect for him, all I was missing was a pair of breasts!
I remember when Leon and Sara were first courting, they were obsessed with each other! Sara was loud and confident, the complete opposite to Leon in some respects. He was so proud to call Sara his and couldn't figure out what was special about him. To be honest I think we are still all trying to figure it out.
I used to catch Leon on the phone to Sara at work for hours! Whether it be in the cleaning cupboard, in the cooler or even at the top of the Silo! But when I really knew he had fallen hook, line and sinker was when he drove around Toynbee Road with me clinging to the bonnet of his car until I gave Sara's car aerial back! Yes, it did work, he got the aerial back. But the jokes on him as he had no idea where it had been!
Over the years the three of us became incredibly close, and once I came to terms with the fact that Leon wasn't coming back I found my own little happy ever after, In Gemma, and the threesome became a foursome. We are now all the best of friends or, to me at least, family. I can only thank Sara and all her family for making me feel like a part of their lives, and obviously to Leon for choosing me to be his best man.
Apparently, I'm meant to pass on some advice in this speech, I did leave a pause here for the laughter. One thing I can definitely pass on to you, Sara, from my experience with Leon is that when you sleep next to him he will make you strip down to your boxers, I'm not really sure how that works for you!? I'm not sure why Leon wanted me to do this, it does seem a bit strange especially the fact that I can't remember anything from that night.
Here are a few skills Leon does possess which may be useful in your married life.
1) He is very descriptive and informative as you well know. He once tried telling me about the film Guardians of the Galaxy and this is what he said. ‘Well the Guardians of the Galaxy, they Guard the Galaxy’. Sorry for those of you that haven't seen it, bit of a spoiler there.
2) He is very passionate. Numerous time playing, and beating him, at FIFA I have heard some colourful phrases come out of his mouth. He also likes to test the structural qualities of the controllers by punching or throwing them across the room.
3) He is in touch with his feminine side. Proven by the fact that he loved wearing after sun with glitter in it when we were in Florida. He also likes drinking feminine drinks. When we were out in a restaurant in town, the waiter offered us some free shots before we left. It was myself, Gemma, Sara and Leon. We ordered 2 sambucas and 2 baileys. When the cheerful waiter came over he passed out the drinks and said ‘Baileys for the ladies’. Much to Leon's annoyance and red face he put on his most manly voice and said, ‘No, that Baileys is for me’.
A word of advice for you Leon is look around you take this all in, lap it up. Remember what this feels like. Now if I could bring you back to why you're holding hands, you'll notice that Leon's hand is on top. This is because now that you're married, that's the last time you'll have the upper hand.
I'd also like to mention something which isn't included in my speech. Over the last year Leon has gained someone very important in his life. Someone that he has been searching for, for a while. That person is his dad, Paul Waston. I know Sara had a big hand in helping Leon find him, and I wish him all the luck in the world in making up for lost time.
I hope that you all enjoyed my speech, if you'd like to show your appreciation, I'll be at the bar. I'd like to thank you all for coming on behalf of the bride and groom. If I could get you all to charge your glasses and turn and face the person next to you, statistically you are now looking at the person most likely to murder you. As Cinderella once said, ‘Your heart has wings and now you can fly’, so fly. Here's to health, wealth and happiness. Ladies and Gentlemen, Sara and Leon.