Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Jim Devlin
Speech Date: May2003
Can you hear me at the back?? Yes??? I'll have a double whisky then please
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jim Devlin and I am the best man not literally – just in title
Before I go on to ruin the grooms reputation and tell some lies about him I would on behalf of the bridesmaids like to thank Ronnie for his kind words. And I think everybody here will agree that Claire, Lisa, Mandi and Lisa have done a superb job getting Pauline here today and they all look absolutely gorgeous.
When I looked up the Internet for some details about the best way to write a best mans speech, one site said you should not speak longer than it takes the groom to make love. So I will be finished in about a minute.
It also said that if the person making the speech is feeling nervous then tries and imaging all of the audience naked and your nerves will go away.
So if you don't mind, I will just look around for a minute.
It's nice to see wee Mick here and Big Jack
Another site said that you should try and break the ice with a couple of jokes, so here goes
One day, in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, ‘Lord, I have a problem.’
‘What's the problem, Adam?’ God replies.
‘Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
‘Why is that, Adam?’, comes the reply from the heavens.
‘Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of this nice decking, but I am lonely.’
‘Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
‘woman’ for you.’
‘What's a ‘woman’, Lord?’
‘This ‘woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.
She will be the perfect companion for you.’, replies the heavenly voice.
‘Sounds great.’ Said Adam
‘She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.’ Said the lord
‘How much will this ‘woman’ cost me Lord?’, Adam replies.
‘She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam says to God, ‘Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?’
After Ronnie asked me to be his best man I tried to decide what were the main tasks for me on the wedding day
And the best man has 3 main tasks on the day
Task 1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for those payments that the
groom may have forgotten. No problems there.
Task 2) on the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well
looked after and gets good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that Ronnie slept like a baby last night. He had about four hours sleep, but kept waking every thirty minutes, crying for his mum
Task 3) Make sure all of the Grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay.
One of my easier tasks that one; most of
them were culled during the recent foot and mouth outbreak
And those with just 2 legs are busy celebrating their lucky escape
I have known Ronnie for about 24 years, since he was in high school in fact, and I would tell you about his life so far.
Ronnie was born, went to school, got a job, played Volleyball & got married to Pauline.
Not that different from many other normal guys you may think, but you are wrong.
Ronnie has never been the same as a normal guy, from his escapades in school where he was the life and soul of the school discos and no blonde was safe, even the teachers, to his exciting brushes with various Ford Cortinas, Capris and XR3’s nothing has ever been straightforward for Ronnie.
In fact the only thing that we could guarantee about Ronnie was his love of blondes.
And there have been one or two on the scene in his younger years. Sorry I meant to say one or two hundred.
In one of Ronnie's leaner spells we decided to go out for a pint to McFly's in Coatbridge and Ronnie swore he was keeping away from girls for a while.
You have to realise that a while for Ronnie in those days was about 1 day.
So we arrived at the pub and had a couple of pints, Ronnie was feeling a little depressed.
I was doing my usual best to try and cheer him up and point out that there are other girls in the world apart from blondes when Ronnie locked on to a girl in the corner, and said something along the lines of “ that's allright “ and “She wants me”
Glancing in the direction he indicated I caught sight of the lovely Pauline who was out for a night out with the Mandi.
10 minutes later once Ronnie had realised that for some strange reason the girls had not rushed over to speak to him. He sauntered across to the introduced himself as “Big Ron” and me as his bodyguard and told the girls this was their lucky night.
After chatting to the girls for a couple of hours, Ronnie and Pauline swapped phone numbers. It was soon closing time and we made our excuses, said our farewells and made our way to that well-known nightclub in Whifflet, the Barnyard, which was more of my style of hunting ground.
The following week on meeting up with Ronnie I found out that he had met up with the girls again and had to carry Mandi up the hill to Dunbeth as she had twisted her ankle or some other lame excuse.
It was probably not the first time Ronnie had to carry a girl home, as most of his conquests were usually too drunk to walk.
I never heard anything else about girls for a couple of weeks, which is unlike Ronnie who usually bored us with all the gory details.
Ronnie then announced a couple of weeks later that he had bought a flat and I was helping him move,
As I got to Ronnie's mums to help with the moving Inoticed thatt in Ronnie's van a there was a head which was most definitely blonde in colour, and on closer inspection I found that It was indeed the “allright girl” from Memory lane.
Several months later Ronnie in the pad as Ronnie's flat came to be known he told me that Pauline might be “the one”
And ladies and gentlemen the rest is history.
I personally know that Ronnie is now one of the happiest guys in the world.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.… and then it was too late!"
As I mentioned before, many of you here will know that Ronnie plays Volleyball and in his own opinion the he is probably the best player to never have worn a Scotland shirt.
It is in his later years as a volleyball player that Ronnie has developed his love of rubber.
When you see Ronnie on the volleyball court he is covered in the stuff, he has got ankle braces, 2 different knee supports, a corset, although he calls it a back brace, we've also seen him with wrists and elbows covered in the stuff.
I don't know if his love of rubber and latex has surfaced at home but perhaps Pauline can fill us in on that subject.
Ronnie sometimes makes himself a bit of a target of himself on the Volleyball court, and talking about targets let me tell you about our stag day.
We played paintball in the morning and had a great time running about in the woods trying to be RAMBO.
After the end of the last game our team leaders decided, as it was Ronnie's Stag day we should have one last short game called the STAG HUNT.
As the name suggests we had to hunt a stag and Ronnie was the perfect choice for the position of STAG and the other 19 guys had to find him and shoot him.
It was not going to be difficult as Ronnie was only about 15 yards away in full view of everyone.
The game started and the Stag came towards us for about 10 seconds and then decided to beat a hasty retreat as our fire was murdering him.
30 hits to the groin and the bum area ladies and gentlemen, but he took it like a man.
And didn't argue or fall out with anyone of us.
Ronnie likes to argue with all of the other players on the Volleyball court, even his own team and this has quite often led to Ronnie falling out with his own team mates,
So that Ronnie and Pauline wouldn't fall too much when they have an argument I decided to look up the meaning of the word argument in a dictionary.
Argument is a discussion that occurs between a man and his wife, when the wife is right but the man just doesn't realise it yet!
So Ronnie just remember when you have an argument with Pauline don't fall out, just remember those 3 little words that mean so much.
YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR
And ladies please try and remember; a perfect wife is one who helps her husband with the dishes.
Oh and Pauline I've got a message from Jets Volleyball club here
Dear Pauline, we've tried Ronnie in every position, now it's your turn
Ronnie, you are married now and I know that you have made a superb choice.
Just please remember
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
In Pauline you have found a beautiful, vivacious, charming, intelligent wife who will enhance your life to it's fullest.
And Pauline in Ronnie you have found a man who keeps fish
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is totally finished.
On a more serious note. Ronnie, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend to me over the years, and it has been a great honour to be your best man.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ronnie and Pauline, the new Mr. and Mrs. Frame.
We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.
I give you a final toast to "The Bride & Groom."