52 Funny Love and Marriage Quotes You'll Want in Your Wedding Speech

Fancy giving guests a laugh during your wedding speech? Insert one of these funny quotes about love and marriage to get a guaranteed giggle.

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Don't get us wrong, we love a romantic quote about love and marriage but sometimes too much romance can get a little soppy. It's why we reckon it's always a good idea to throw some funny quotes into the mix. Adding humour to your speech will help to strike that magic balance between sweet and sentimental, funny and endearing - whether you're part of the happy couple or the wedding party!

While that may sound like a tall order, we promise it's nowhere near as hard as you think. To make things easier, we've gathered the very best funny quotes on love and marriage for you to include. 

These quotes are short, snappy and perfect for slotting into speeches or even vows. In fact, we reckon there's even space for a funny quote or two on table names or save the dates - it's totally up to you!


Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

1. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” Emma Bombeck

2. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” Jack Benny

3. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” Anonymous

4. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

5. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Phillip

6. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” Miles Davis

7. "A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” Anonymous

8. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” Henry Youngman

9. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” George Burns

10. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” Henry Youngman

11. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” Tim Allen

12. “Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.” Anonymous

13. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” Wendy Liebman

14. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” Cindy Garner

15. "An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” Booth Tarkington

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

16. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Phyllis Diller

17. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” Rick Reilly

18. “Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours ain’t.” Anonymous

19. “Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” Joginder Singh

20. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” Anonymous

21. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” Natasha Leggero

22. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” Janet Periat

23. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” Kathy Mohnke

24. “I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.” Anonymous

25. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” Lily Tomlin

26. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” Billy Connolly

27. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” Jean Illsley Clarke

28. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” Henry Youngman

29. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.” Maryon Pearson

30. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.” Chris Rock

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

31. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” Ann Bancroft

32. “Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.” Judith Viorst

33. “To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” Ogden Nash

34. "You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” Rey Woodman

35. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” Bill Maher

36. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” Charles Schultz

37. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” Rita Rudner

38. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” Anonymous

39. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx

40. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” Lee Judge

41. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.” Janet Periat

42. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” Homer Simpson

43. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.” St Elmo's Fire

44. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” Jenny Seinfeld

45. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” Molly McGee

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

46. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.” Winston Churchill

47. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” Joyce Brothers

48. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” Richard Lewis

49. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” Joseph Barth

50. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.” George Bernard Shaw

51. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” H. Jackson Brown, Jr

52. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” Mickey Rooney

Our Favourite Funny Love and Marriage Quote Prints

Marriage Definition Print – £4.04, MLandCreations

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

This print would make a cute and funny addition to any bedroom. What about getting this as a paper gift for your first anniversary?

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The Princess Bride ‘Mawwage’ Print – £5.23, Scripts and Quips

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Any Princess Bride fan will adore this ‘Mawwage’ poster! It makes such a unique wedding gift.

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90s RnB Typography Quote Print - £9, Not on the High Street 

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Who doesn't immediately *need* this print? 90s RnB is love and marriage goals! 

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'Love You Lots Like Jelly Tots' Watercolour Print - £6.95, Not on the High Street

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Throwing it back to playground loves, the sweet-loving spouses out there will appreciate this cute watercolour print

Buy It Now

Whether they're funny or romantic, a wedding poem is another great way to spice up your speech so make sure you check out  these 73 sweet wedding poems for your ceremony!

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