51 Hilarious Quotes on Love and Marriage That You Will Want in Your Wedding Speech

Spice up your wedding speeches with some seriously funny quotes that will have your guests crying with laughter and envying your humour

Quotes about love and marriage tend to be very romantic and sometimes a bit soppy. If you are a couple who breaks the wedding rules and likes to laugh and joke all the time, then these super-funy quotes and sayings are the perfect things for you to include in your wedding speeches or even on your save the date cards.

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A memorable and inexpensive wedding gift idea is to get your favourite one of these quotes printed out, like this framed gold foil design, or printed on a wedding card. You can see some of our favourite printed quotes at the end.

Even if it is just inspiration for your relationship, you are going to love these!

READ MORE: Win a Luxury Mini-Moon in Morocco with the National Wedding Survey 2019

51 Funny Quotes About Love & Marriage

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

marriage-is-like-a-car-battery

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.”

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“Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

a-person-who-never-forgets-anniversaries-quote

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life”

annoying-in-marriage

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”

new-car-or-new-wife-quote

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; If you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.”

if-you-love-em-in-the-morning-quote

“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”

better-deal-quote

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.”

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“Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.”

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“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops” 

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“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.”

a-guy-knows-hes-in-love-quote

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.”

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“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”

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“I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”

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“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”

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“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.”

get-married-on-his-birthday-quote

“An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.”

ideal-wife-and-ideal-husband-quote

“Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

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“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.”

pause-live-tv-quote

“Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours ain’t.”

the-neighbours-gate-quote

“Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.”

catch-her-in-my-pockets-quote

“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.”

a-walk-in-jurassic-park

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.”

hair-extensions-quote

“Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”

misplacing-our-socks-quote

“Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”

marriage-is-like-vitamins-quote

“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.”

you-may-now-change-your-facebook-status-quote

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”

if-love-is-the-answer-quote

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”

bicycle-repair-kit

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it.”

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“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.”

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“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”

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“There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments.”

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“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”

too-old-quote

“Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier.”

love-and-like-quote

“To keep your marriage brimming; With love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”

shut-up-quote

“You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.”

brilliant-pancake-quote

“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!!”

husband-quote

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”

sharing-your-popcorn-quote

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

outlasts-milk-quote

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.”

ill-do-the-dishes

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

judge-and-jury-quote

“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”

jerk-quote

“A kiss without a moustache is like an egg without salt.”

moustache-kiss

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.”

the-last-qord-quote

“No please don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

simpsons-quote-eat-me

“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”

mysterious-force-quote

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

game-of-chess

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”

no-reason-quote

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me.”

winston-churchill

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; Marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.”

carry-out-the-trash

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”

two-and-a-half-days-quote

Our Favourite Funny Love and Marriage Quote Prints From Etsy

‘Where One Person Is Always Right’ Print – Captured By Kerry

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This cheeky print is great for couples who’ve been together a long time and it’s clear who wears the trousers!

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Marriage Definiton Print – MLandCreations

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This print would make a cute and funny addition to any bedroom. What about getting this as a paper gift for your first anniversary?

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The Princess Bride ‘Mawwage’ Print – Scripts and Quips

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Any Princess Bride fan will adore this ‘Mawwage’ poster! It makes such a unique wedding gift.

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The Office Wedding Poster – RoFo Creative

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If the Princess Bride doesn’t tickle your fancy, what about The Office? This famous Michael Scott quote will look perfect on the wall of any Office aficionado.

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Marriage is Like a Deck of Cards Sign – artylicious

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This tongue-in-cheek sign will give all married couples a chuckle. If you want a good gift for the bride or groom, they’ll certainly have recognised this feeling once or twice.

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These hilariously funny quotes are the perfect inspiraton for some seriously funny wedding photographs, and could even challenge the likes of these tried and tested best man jokes!