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70 Funny Love, Marriage & Relationship Quotes

Looking for funny quotes for a wedding speech, reading or even your vows? We've got the goods right here!

Bride, groom and wedding guests laughing at a wedding speech

Don't get us wrong, we love a romantic quote about love and marriage, but everyone knows laughter is the medicine needed during wedding vows, readings and speeches, and that's why we reckon it's always a good idea to throw some funny marriage quotes into the mix.

Love, marriage and relationships are something many of us have experienced, so therefore we know that along with the ups and downs, there's a lot of laughter to be had with the person you're with. 

Funny statements about love and funny marriage quotes are something almost everyone can relate to, and they're the kind of thing you can use to guarantee laughter in a speech or reading without having to make a joke about a particular person. 

Our edit of funny love quotes and hilarious marriage quotes provides you with a staggering 70 potential lines that are perfect for writing in a wedding card or delivering in person on the day. 

70 Funny Marriage Quotes About Love & Relationships

Marc Blakewill from wedding speech writing service All Write On The Night points out: "Think about a memorable speech from a wedding you've attended. How many of the lines can you actually remember? Surprisingly tough isn't it? However, I bet you'll recall whether it made you laugh out loud or not." 

Adding humour to your speech will help to strike that magic balance between sweet and sentimental, funny and endearing - whether you're part of the happy couple or the wedding party!

It will also help with comic timing and keeping your guests engaged. "A speech with a handful of laughs will seem much shorter than one without - good gags will leave the guests wanting more not looking at their watches. What's more, getting a laugh under your belt at the top of your speech is the ultimate confident booster!" says Marc. 

Ready to get reading? These funny quotes for a wedding will have you in stitches, we guarantee it! 

Funny Marriage Quotes

a hitched quote card with a purple background which says 'the most important four words for a successful marriage are:

When it comes to hilarious marriage quotes, they don't get much funnier than these funny quotes about marriage. Whether you're giving a father of the bride speech and want to include some silly marriage quotes to add to your advice and anecdotes, or you're a best man after the funniest marriage quotes out there, you're bound to find some you love right here. 

1. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they're too old to do it." - Ann Bancroft

2. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

3. "We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse." - Henry Youngman

4. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller

5. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”- Janet Periat

6. "Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh

7. "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me." - Winston Churchill

8. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Philip

9. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson

10. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’" - Michelle Obama

11. "Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell

12. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly

13. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner

14. "Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

15. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go and live with a car battery." - Emma Bombeck

16. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” - Cameron Esposito

17. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” - Rick Reilly

18. "Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash

19. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke

20. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” - Mickey Rooney

21. “To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” - Ogden Nash

22. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” - Anonymous

23. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

24. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

25. "Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it's because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner - just so they can have the last word." - Janet Periat

26. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” - Joyce Brothers

27. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth

28. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” - H. Jackson Brown, Jr

29. "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." - Mae West

30. "Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot

31. "I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." - Cameron Esposito

32. "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." - Helen Rowland

33. "Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." - Donatella in Letters to Juliet

34. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin 

35. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

36. "A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." - Frank Sinatra

37. "My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce." - Dr. Joyce Brothers

38. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” - Lee Judge

39. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee

40.  “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” - Bill Maher

41. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

42. “People say, 'Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.' I think it's hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” - Tom Hanks

Funny Love Quotes

a hitched quote card which says,

Funny quotes about love work so well in wedding speeches, and even vows too! They're brilliant if you're after funny quotes for a wedding reading as well and you can always tweak some of the details below to make the statement more personal to the person you're talking about. 

43. "She's your lobster. Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws." - Phoebe Buffay, Friends

44. "Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier." - Judith Viorst

45. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire

46. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis

47. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

48. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero

49. "You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman

50. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” - Charles Schultz

51. "Who won in life? Me. Because I get to marry you." - Chip Gaines

52. "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." - Franklin P. Jones

53. "Love is being stupid together." -  Paul Valery

54. "Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage." - Ambrose Bierce

55. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

56. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” - Richard Lewis

57. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin

58. "Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous

59. "You say you love flowers, but you cut them. You say you love animals, but you eat them. Now you say you love me, and I'm scared!" - Anonymous

Funny Relationship Quotes

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Looking for funny quotes for a wedding speech or reading? If so, these funny statements about love and relationships will slot in nicely and get the room giggling in no time. 

60. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsley Clarke

61. "A good relationship is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

62. "It's amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and then the next day you wonder how you lived without them, and how you live with them" - Anonymous

63. "As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." - Ralphie May

64. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock

65. "When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

66. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

67. “Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep." - Chris Hemsworth

68. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman

69. "Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let her sleep." - Anonymous

70. "The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook..." - Anonymous

How to Write a Funny Wedding Speech

Marc Blakewill from All Write On The Night recommends: "When choosing a funny marriage quote, try to make it as pertinent to the couple's interests or backstory and it will have the most impact."

If you've been chosen to make a wedding speech it's likely you know the subject quite well, but it's a good idea to chat to members of the wedding party prior to speech writing so you have any information you might not be aware of - the funniest quotes can come from anecdotes!

When it comes to structuring a funny wedding speech, Marc says, "Think of the main part of the speech as the cake and the quotation as the cherry on top. 

"You might wish to use a funny quotation for each main section e.g. any drinking stories in a best man’s speech could be introduced with Homer Simpson’s classic line: 'Alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.' Funny quotations can also work really well near the end. You’ve already told stories about the bride or groom so the quotation can refer backwards." 

Are the couple major movie buffs? "Lines from a film or TV show can work a treat, especially if you’ve already established that they’re, for example, a massive Ben Stiller or Friends fan," suggests Marc.

Marc also suggests, "Instead of ending with a line the guests might have heard before, why not use some lyrics from their favourite pop band? It can be heartfelt and get a laugh because you’re not quoting Keats or Shakespeare but Taylor Swift or Gary Barlow." 

For more speech-writing tips, check out our guide to speech introductions so you can start as you mean to go on!