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64 Funny Love and Marriage Quotes You'll Want in Your Wedding Speech

Fancy giving guests a laugh during your wedding speech? Insert one of these funny quotes about love and marriage to get a guaranteed giggle.

Bride, groom and wedding guests laughing at a wedding speech

Don't get us wrong, we love a romantic quote about love and marriage but sometimes too much of the sweet stuff can get a little soppy. It's why we reckon it's always a good idea to throw some funny marriage quotes into the mix.

Marc Blakewill from wedding speech writing service All Write On The Night points out: "Think about a memorable speech from a wedding you've attended. How many of the lines can you actually remember? Surprisingly tough isn't it? However, I bet you'll recall whether it made you laugh out loud or not." 

Adding humour to your speech will help to strike that magic balance between sweet and sentimental, funny and endearing - whether you're part of the happy couple or the wedding party!

It will also help with comic timing and keeping your guests engaged. "A speech with a handful of laughs will seem much shorter than one without - good gags will leave the guests wanting more not looking at their watches. What's more, getting a laugh under your belt at the top of your speech is the ultimate confident booster!" says Marc. 

While that may sound like a tall order, we promise it's nowhere near as hard as you think. To make things easier, we've gathered the funniest marriage quotes for you to include, plus expert speech writing tips from Marc on how to weave them into your wedding speech. 

These funny quotations about marriage are short and snappy - in fact, we reckon there's even space for a funny quote about marriage or a funny marriage advice quote on table names or save the dates - it's totally up to you!

64 Funniest Quotes About Marriage

Funny Marriage Quotes About Husbands

1. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they're too old to do it." - Ann Bancroft

2. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen

3. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

4. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller

5. "Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let him sleep." - Anonymous

6. “Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”- Janet Periat

7. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” - Bill Maher

8. "My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce." - Dr. Joyce Brothers

Funny Marriage Quotes About Wives

9. "We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse." - Henry Youngman

10. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” - Jack Benny

11. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

12. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman

13. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” - Lee Judge

14. "Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh

15. “She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire

16. “When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee

Famous Funny Quotes About Marriage

17. "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me." - Winston Churchill

18. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Phillip

19. “No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson

20. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’" - Michelle Obama

21. "Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell

22. "Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier." - Judith Viorst

23. “People say, 'Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.' I think it's hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” - Tom Hanks

24. “Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep." - Chris Hemsworth

25. "A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." - Frank Sinatra

26. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

27. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly

28. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner

29. "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin 

30. "She's your lobster. Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws." - Phoebe Buffay, Friends

Funny Marriage Quotes From Movies

31. "Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

32. "Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." - Donatella in Letters to Juliet

33. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno

34. "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally

Cute & Funny Marriage Quotes For Newlyweds

35. "A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

36. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis

37. "You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman

38. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” - Charles Schultz

39. "Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you." - Chip Gaines

Cheeky & Funny Marriage Quotes

40. "Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go and live with a car battery." - Emma Bombeck

41. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” - Cameron Esposito

42. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns

43. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman

44. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” - Rick Reilly

45. "Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash

46. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero

47. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke

48. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin

49. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” - Mickey Rooney

50. "Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous

51. “To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” - Ogden Nash

52. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” - Anonymous

53. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

54. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

55. "Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it's because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner - just so they can have the last word." - Janet Periat

56. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” - Joyce Brothers

57. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” - Richard Lewis

58. “Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth

59. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” - H. Jackson Brown, Jr

60. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke

61. "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." - Mae West

62. "Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot

63. "I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." - Cameron Esposito

64. "When you see a married couples walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." - Helen Rowland

Expert Tips For Writing a Funny Wedding Speech

  • Marc Blakewill from All Write On The Night recommends: "When choosing a funny marriage quote, try to make it as pertinent to the groom or bride’s interests or backstory and it will have the most impact." If you've been chosen to make a wedding speech it's likely you know the subject quite well, but it's a good idea to chat to members of the wedding party prior to speech writing so you have any information you might not be aware of - the funniest quotes can come from anecdotes!
  • When it comes to structuring a funny wedding speech, Marc advises: "Think of the main part of the speech as the cake and the quotation as the cherry on top. You might wish to use a funny quotation for each main section e.g. any drinking stories in a best man’s speech could be introduced with Homer Simpson’s classic line: 'Alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.' Funny quotations can also work really well near the end. You’ve already told stories about the bride or groom so the quotation can refer backwards." 
  • Are the couple major movie buffs? "Lines from a film or TV show can work a treat, especially if you’ve already established that they’re, for example, a massive Ben Stiller or Friends fan," suggests Marc.
  • Marc also proposes that "instead of ending with a line the guests might have heard before, why not use some lyrics from their favourite pop band? It can be heartfelt and get a laugh because you’re not quoting Keats or Shakespeare but Taylor Swift or Gary Barlow." 

Whether they're funny or romantic, a wedding poem is another great way to spice up your speech so make sure you check out  these sweet wedding poems for your wedding ceremony!