Wedding readings are one of our favourite ways to personalise a ceremony. From heartfelt readings to romantic quotes from books and even song lyrics, they’re guaranteed to get us right in the feels. While we love the tear-jerkers, we’re also more than a little partial to a funny wedding reading or two.
Funny wedding readings are a great way to shake off pre-vow jitters and unite the congregation (plus, some of them are totes relatable), so we definitely think they’re worth incorporating into your day.
Scroll through our top picks of fabulously funny wedding readings below and then ask the lucky candidate to get practising their delivery!
Image: Diana V Photography
1. Yes, I’ll Marry You – Pam Ayres
This funny wedding reading has become a bit of a classic – and for good reason! It perfectly sums up most modern relationships.
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch, you see,
And you investigate.
Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
READ MORE: Inspirational Father of the Bride Speeches
2. A Lovely Love Story – Edward Monkton
For those of you with a bit of cuddly side, this adorable poem is great for the couple who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.
The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.
Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.
I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.
He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.
I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.
She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.
But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.
He is also overly fond of things.
Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?
But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.
Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?
I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.
I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.
Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.
Look at them.
Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.
And that, my friends, is how it is with love.
Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.
For the sun is warm.
And the world is a beautiful place.
READ MORE: The Best Humorous Wedding Cake Toppers
3. Gravitation – Albert Einstein
Simple, concise and beautiful. This short quote by Einstein sums up love beautifully.
“Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.”
READ MORE: 51 Hilarious Quotes About Love And Marriage
4. He Never Leaves The Seat Up – Anon
Have you wedding guests rolling in the aisles and then tearing up at the end with this poem.
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
She’s very clean and tidy
Though she may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they’ll have moved!
He’s a very active person
As are all his next of kin
Whereas she likes lazy days
He’ll still drag her to the gym!
He romances her and dines her
Home cooked dinners and the like
He even knows her favourite food
And spoils her day and night!
She’s thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren’t in place?!
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course she thinks he’s handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
They’re both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Whereas she won’t even budge!
All that said and done
They love the time they spent together
And I hope as I’m sure you do
That this fine day will last forever.
He’ll be more than just her husband
He’ll also be her friend
And she’ll be more than just his wife
She’s be his soul mate – till the end.
READ MORE: How To Plan A Traditional Wedding Ceremony
5. To My Valentine – Ogden Nash
This little reading is an unconventional take on love! Ideal for those who aren’t really fans of the mushy stuff.
More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That’s how much I love you.
I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That’s how much you I love.
I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oaths,
That’s how you’re loved by me.
6. I Rely On You – Hovis Presley
We wouldn’t normally recommend comparing your other half to a HGV, but in this instance we’re all for it.
I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you.
READ MORE: 37 Ways To Personalise Your Wedding
7. Marriage – Anon
A more realistic viewpoint on the highs and lows of marriage with this wedding poem. Surprisingly lovely all the same.
Marriage is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving
Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing
About being together whatever the weather
About being driven to the end of your tether
About sweetness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness
It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak
It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak
It’s about being wrong when you know you are right
It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight
It’s about you two living as cheaply as one
(you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)
Never heeding advice that was always well meant
Never counting the cost until it’s all spent
And for you two today it’s about to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness.
READ MORE: 17 Things Guests Hate Most About Weddings
8. I’ll Be There For You – Louise Cuddon
Like the infamous Friends song, this wedding poem will leave you feeling warm and comforted and with a big old smile on your face!
I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin
When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin
When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.
When life is just threatening to drive you insane
When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age
When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm
When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay
And return to discover you’ve been towed away
When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew
When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue
’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.
9. Recipe For Love – Anon
Quirky and unique, this certainly sounds like the recipe for an awesome marriage to us!
Put the love, good looks and sweet temper into a well furnished house. Beat the butter of youth to a cream, and mix well together with the blindness of faults.
Stir the pounded wit and good humour into the sweet argument, then add the rippling laughter and common sense. Work the whole together until everything is well mixed and bake gently for ever.
10. A Word To Husbands – Ogden Nash
Husbands-to-be, we would totally print this out and stick it on the fridge if we were you.
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.
READ MORE: 33 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes
11. Grow Old With You – The Wedding Singer
We’re particularly fond of the bit about doing the dishes and taking care of us after drinking one too many!
I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you
I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you
I’ll miss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Even let you hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink
Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you
12. Love Is – Adrian Henri
Sweet, funny and just a little bit cheeky; we’re totally in love with this one.
Love is feeling cold in the back of vans
Love is a fanclub with only two fans
Love is walking holding paint stained hands
Love is fish and chips on winter nights
Love is blankets full of strange delights
Love is when you don’t put out the light
Love is the presents in Christmas shops
Love is when you’re feeling Top of the Pops
Love is what happens when the music stops
Love is white panties lying all forlorn
Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm
Love is when you have to leave at dawn
Love is you and love is me
Love is prison and love is free
Love’s what’s there when you are away from me
13. Be My Homer – Anon
Calling all couples who grew up watching our favourite yellow TV family! This one is guaranteed to get a smile out of even the grumpiest grans and aunts.
Be my Homer
I wanna be your Marge.
If I’m your Norfolk Broads
Will you be my barge?
Let’s please be Tom and Barbara,
I will show you The Good Life.
Even though we’re not yet married
I would love to be your wife.
I’ve the passion Lily Munster
has for her dear Herman.
I would love you if you were ginger,
I would love you if you were German.
Like Mr and Mrs Huxtable,
We’d smooch even when we’re wrinkly.
I’ll even consider ironing your shirts,
But I hope you like them crinkly.
Like Mr and Mrs Incredible
I’m flexible and you’re tough.
But if you promise to be my true love
That will always be enough.
Like Bonny and that Clyde guy
without all the dying.
Like Gwyneth and that Coldplay man
without all the crying.
My partner in crime, the love of my life.
If you’re looking to add more humour to your wedding, make sure to show your best man these funny speech introductions or take inspiration for your vows from our favourite funny and realistic wedding vows.