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25 Hilariously Funny Wedding Readings Anyone Can Deliver

You're guaranteed a giggle with these hilariously funny wedding readings, and there's something to suit everyone!

a maid of honour wearing a green metallic dress stands at the top table laughing as she delivers funny wedding readings in a speech with the couple and guests laughing too

There's nothing guests love more than a handful of funny wedding readings to inject some light laughter into a wedding ceremony or reception. Funny readings for weddings are a great way to add a playful element to any ceremony or reception, and are perfect for couples who like to walk on the lighter side of life. 

Choosing a funny wedding reading or two is also a great way to ensure there's light and shade to your day, especially if you'd prefer to keep the vows in your ceremony, or the speeches in your reception more on the serious side. 

So that's settled, funny wedding readings are excellent, but how do you know which ones to choose?

25 Funny Wedding Readings for Ceremonies & Speeches

To help you on your quest for humour and fun, we've put together a list of funny readings for a wedding ceremony or dinner reception which includes readings for every type of couple and every type of guest, too. 

When choosing a wedding reading, funny or not, it's important to think about who's going to deliver it. So because we're super helpful, we've included funny wedding readings for friends to deliver, as well as funny wedding readings for a child to read. 

Short Funny Wedding Readings

Want to include funny wedding readings as part of your speeches or vows, but don't want it to take up too much time? If so, these short funny wedding readings are perfect to slot in! 

1. Allegiant - Veronica Roth

I fell in love with him.
But I don’t just stay with him by default,
as if there’s no one else available to me.
I stay with him because I choose to,
every day that I wake up,
every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other.
I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.

2. Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches

Here is the church, and here is the steeple.We sure are cute for two ugly people.I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you.

3. Loser - Julian Moon

Drink my tea while you read.
Friday night, that's all I need.
There's a little bit of loser in us.
Just two weirdos who fell in love.
I guess we're made from the same weird stuff.
Being a loser with you doesn't suck.

4. The Idea of Growing Old - The Features

We can lay around and count the number of times,
I've acted foolish and you've rolled your eyes,
You turn me on to the idea of growing old.

We can talk all night, we can talk all day,
We can play charades when there is nothing to say,
You turn me on to the idea of growing old.

5. A Vow - Wendy Cope

I cannot promise never to be angry;
I cannot promise always to be kind.
You know what you are taking on, my darling –
It’s only at the start that love is blind.
And yet I’m still the one you want to be with
And you’re the one for me – of that I’m sure.
You are my closest friend, my favourite person,
The lover and the home I’ve waited for.
I cannot promise that I will deserve you
From this day on. I hope to pass that test.
I love you and I want to make you happy.
I promise I will do my very best.

6. Harry - When Harry Met Sally

I love that you get cold when it’s seventy-one degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour-and-a-half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts.
I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody...
You want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

7. A Word To Husbands – Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.

Unusual Funny Wedding Readings

a bride giving a funny wedding reading whilst standing at the top table

If you and your partner both share a slightly darker sense of humour, and you want something a little quirky, you'll love these unusual funny wedding readings. They are open to interpretation and remember, you can always switch out words or phrases in lieu of your own words. 

8. Kat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme!
I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

9. Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones's Diary

I don't think you're an idiot at all.
I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you.
Your mother's pretty interesting, and you really are an appallingly bad public speaker.
And, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences...
But the thing is, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, in fact, perhaps despite appearances,
I like you, very much. Just as you are.

10. Grow Old With You - The Wedding Singer

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink
Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

11. Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog - Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility, especially in a city like [edit]
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
When you’re walking down the street late at night,
and you have a leash on love,
ain’t nobody going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defence?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.
Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain, just to let love know...
Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise.
It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.
It pulls you in several different directions at once,
or winds around and around you until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love,
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

12. I Rely On You – Hovis Presley

I rely on you
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter

I rely on you
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve

I rely on you
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs dryers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers

I rely on you.

13. Yes, I’ll Marry You – Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch, you see,
And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and you’re lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!

Funny Wedding Readings for a Child

Does your child have funny bones? Do you want the children at your wedding to have some fun with their readings? If that sounds like you, you'll love these funny wedding readings for a child to read.

If they are particularly young, you may want to have them read just an extract instead of an entire funny wedding reading. 

14. Alvy singer - Annie

Love is too weak a word for what I feel
I lurrrrrve you
You know, I loaveee you
I luff you, with two F's!
Yes, I have to invent, of course I do.

15. Fixer Upper - Frozen

We need each other to raise us up and round us out.
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper, but when push comes to shove...
The only fixer-upper fixer that can fix up a fixer-upper is...
True, true, true, true, true, true, love.

16. Your Personal Penguin - Sandra Boynton

I like you a lot.
You’re funny and kind.
So let me explain what I have in mind.

I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to walk right by your side.
I want to be your personal penguin.
I want to travel with you far and wide.

17. Some Things Go Together - Charlotte Zolotow

Pairs of things that go together.
Pigeons with park.
Stars with dark.
Sand with sea,
and you with me.

Hats with heads.
Pillows with beds.
Sky with blue,
and me with you.

18. The Velveteen Rabbit - Margery Williams

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse only smiled.

"Someone made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always."

Funny Wedding Readings for Friends

a bridesmaid delivering a funny weddingr eading for friends

Friends who are making speeches or toasts will love adding in a few of these funny wedding ceremony readings.

Much like the quotes above, we'd recommend replacing anything non-personal in these (like the reference to particular TV shows, for example) with things more tailored to the couple - that's how you nail funny wedding readings for friends to deliver.

19. Mindy Kaling in Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

I don't want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting,
or the work it takes to plan a date night.
I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame,
or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat.
I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun.

20. Lobster - Phoebe from Friends

She's your lobster.
Come on, you guys.
It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life.
You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.

21. Love - Ross from Friends

'L' is for life. And what is life without love?
'O' is for 'oh wow!'.
'V' is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way.
'E' is for how extremely normal I find it that you two are together.

22. The Giraffe and the Monkey - Daniel Thompson

Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.

Now Money is funny, it can make people odd.
You forget to be happy, and you live for your job
And fashion, is a passion, beset with a flaw
You can dress to excess, but you’ll always need more.

And a muscle toned body, may sound like a dream
But no body is better, than chocolate ice cream.

What I’m trying to say, is that happiness grows
Not through your wages, or body or clothes.

But in laughter and love, and in sharing your life.
In the arms of another as husband and wife.

So when you find someone who’s weird just like you
Who laughs when you’re stupid and who makes you laugh too.

When you sit on the sofa, not hiding your flaws.
As imperfectly perfect, as the hand that holds yours.
When the fortune of kings, or purse of a beggar.
Won’t change how it feels, just being together.

When a cuddle and cuppa is all that you need….

Well then…
you’ve found something quite special indeed.

Wherever we go
Whatever we do
Whenever there’s me
I hope that there’s you.

23. Gravitation - Albert Einstein 

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?
Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour.
Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.

24. I’ll Be There For You - Louise Cuddon

I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin
When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.
When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page
When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age
When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm
When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum
And your holiday photos show only your thumb
When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay
And return to discover you’ve been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste
Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist
When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…
When you break a rule, when you act the fool
When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew
When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue ‘cause

I’m telling you, I’ll be there.

25. Marriage - Anon

Marriage is about giving and taking
And forging and forsaking
Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving
Caring and sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather
About being driven to the end of your tether
About sweetness and kindness
And wisdom and blindness

It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak
It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak
It’s about being wrong when you know you are right
It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight
It’s about you two living as cheaply as one
(you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant
Never counting the cost until it’s all spent
And for you two today it’s about to begin
And for all that the two of you had to put in
Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness
Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness.

In-keeping with the theme of things to add to your speeches or vows, check out these quotes on love and relationships - there's a section on funny one-liners that you're bound to find useful!