Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: neil maddocks
Speech Date: 11/11/2013 21:55:55

For those of you they don't know me..… Can you please explain why you are here and how you have managed to blag a free meal?

Throughout the past 10 years I have witnessed and been part of a number of my friends and families weddings and had to endure several groomsman, father of the bride and best man speeches – some of which have been very BORING (**cough**Barry Austin) and others have been extremely funny, witty, embarrassing, sadistic but mostly sentimental. It is my aim today to attempt to touch on every point during my speech whilst taking on the “Mini Skirt” approach which is Just long enough to cover the things that I'd like revealing, but short enough to attract your attention because it's appealing.

I would like to begin my thanking each and everyone one of you for joining us on our special day. We both really appreciate all of the efforts you have made to travel to this fantastic venue and celebrate our wedding day. Looking around the room I am some what surprised how well some of you have scrubbed up especially the lairy louts over in Franz Josef but thank you all for your love, support and friendship – you have all played important roles in both of our lives and been a huge part in the journey which has led us here today.

Unfortunately it's not been possible for everyone we would have wanted to be here today. Jemma's granddad Cooke has recently been released from hospital and recovering from an operation. I am very pleased to announce that he is currently being fussed over by Nan Cooke and well and truly on the mend. From what I hear he made a great impression in the hospital, made lots of new friends and will be deeply missed by the naughty nurses from the Lyme Ward especially Barbara.

I would also like to make a special announcement about our late grandparents, in particular my Nan , Pauline, and Jemma's grandad, Trevor. We know they will be forever in our hearts and with us in spirit today raising a pint of beer and a cup of tea. So if you can all stand and join me in a toast (allow time to stand) to absent friends and family.

I would now like to move onto our wonderful parents and thank you all for your kind generosity not just for today but for all the sacrifices you made for us both whilst growing up as children and young adults.

 I'd like to thank Jemma’ parents Ivor and Denise for taking me into their family and making me feel part of it. I'd also like to thank them for Jemma's upbringing, which have made her the person she is today, kind, caring, sensitive, fiesty and loving. Thank you especially for her fantastic sense of humour, there is not a day that passes when Jemma does not make me smile. We'd also like to thank you for your generosity and support for today to enable Jemma to marry the man of her dreams.

Mum, Dad – thank you for everything you have provided me, I know growing up I was not the most proactive or practical of people and was quite often branded as an idle little git, at one point I bet you thought I was never going to leave home – no wonder you love Jemma so much!!!

Thank you both for sticking with me and remaining so patient throughout the years. I want you both to know that growing up Kelly, Joanne and I had the most amazing childhood and even now as adults we know you are there to support and guide us.  I would to take this opportunity to thank you both for providing us with so many special memories – I am so proud that you are my parents and I want you to know that you are both my inspiration for leading a long and happy marriage.

We have a couple of small gifts to say thank you

I'd like you to raise a toast to OUR PARENTS

I would now like to move onto the Bridesmaids Kelly, Joanne and Sam, I am sure everyone will agree how beautiful they all look. I would like to thank you all for taking special care of Jemma not just for today but over the years when she has needed you all. You are all so very significant people in both our lives and we count ourselves extremely lucky to have 3 such important and influential figures.

Joanne and Kelly – although from an early age you didn't really have much time for me or want to include me in your childish pantomime games I really feel we turned a corner when we flicked cow dung in Joanne's hair whilst walking Bonnie on a standard summer afternoon KerJerNer walk.

For those who do not know KJN was a bouncy tree we found in a local woodland near our childhood home and we named the tree Kelly, Joanne and Neil as not only were we thrill seekers that loved exploring and sitting on a tree that bounced we were also privileged enough to have the  creativity skills and intelligence to come up with such a dynamic and thought provoking anagrammatic name such as KJN.

Seriously girls thank you for always protecting me and being there to pull up my socks. I love you both very much.

I would also like to say a few special words about our other bridesmaid Sam ‘the sailor’! When preparing for this speech I asked jemma if she had any special, sentimental stories she would like me to share with our friends and family about growing up with Sam. Regrettably Sam the sweet yet funny story I was expecting was non existant. For those that don't know, growing up, Sam and Jemma used to share a room together and from time to time Jemma would have terrible nightmares about being on the Titanic ship that famously sank in 1912. Strangely Jemma would only have this nightmare on a Sunday and would routinely wake up in the middle of the night. Jemma went on to explain that she would wake up at the same point during the reoccurring dream to the sound of a fog horn and that seconds after waking up quite often a potent lingure used to fill the room.

It wasn't until Jemma reached the age of 13 that she realised that this nightmare that tormented her for a number of years was her windy sister passing parsnips after the traditional Sunday evening roast and because the bed sheets used to flap during the sound of the “fog horn” the name Sam the Sailor was born.

Seriously Sam I want to thank you for always being there for jemma,  – you will always have a special place in her heart and will always be her best and closest friend.

To all 3 of you we both love you very much. Please can all of our guests be upstanding a raise their glasses, a toast, the Bridesmaids Beauties

Whilst making the decision, several months ago, as to who I should have as my best man today I was lucky enough to have a number of potential candidates. To be honest the decision hit me like a bus, it was an obvious choice, a clear winner, a no brainer –  I wanted the best man to be the person who has always been there for me, someone who offers great advice in all avenues of life, a true gentleman, a man who has never let me down, my hero and that man…..unfortunately couldn't make it today so I decided to go for candidate number 2. In all seriousness you have been like a father to me over the past 29 years. I couldn't have asked for a better dad, best mate and role model. Thank you for watching every football match without fail come rain or shine, letting me win snooker every Friday night, doing my homework, doing my DIY, making sure I was in one piece today and for always being there for me.

As a token of our appreciation we would like to give you a gift.

We are very nearly done with the thank you's but I can not move on until I have thanked our 3 dashing page boys, Henry, George and Thomas and gorgeous little flower girl Amelia for carrying out such an amazing job. You have all clearly worked harder than any other person here today and as a special thanks we have bought you all a little something for being little gems.

Brendon and Matt I just want to thank you both for standing up to the mark and doing the ceremony readings, it really means a lot to Jemma and I that you did this today. I am really sorry but we ran out of money and we haven't got you any gifts but please remind me later and I will buy you both half a orange juice to share.

There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states nobody should look more handsome than the groom, some of you buggers obviously weren't aware of that, but I'd like to thank our ushers, my brothers from another mother, Phil and Ashley for sticking to that rule of the letter. They did a great job with getting people into the ceremony after completing the security checks, there wasn't a discarded rucksack or Taliban member in site, well done gents. We also have a little something for each of you too.

There is one more person I am yet to thank and that is my beautiful wife Mrs Maddog Maddocks for making me the happiest man alive by saying I DO. Jemma and I first met nearly 10 years ago at a company called unichem. When I first met Jemma she was extremely shy, quiet and timid but at the same time she shone beauty in both her looks and personality. I am so glad over the years she has kept all of these traits but I can assure you the ‘quiet’ phase is well and truly over, she can literally talk for britton.

You may be wondering why we have gone for the unconventional table names. Some of you may be aware that Jemma and I went were lucky enough to go travelling over 4 years ago and the names of your tables are some of the favourite places we visited.

Chaing Mai, for example, is where we had the thrill of going on an overnight trek through a rain forest and visited a elephant sanctuary, Franz Josef is where we experienced the adrenaline rush of jumping out of a plane 15,000 feet over a glacier, Cairns was where we kicked back down under and experienced swimming with Nemo in the Great Barrier Reef, Nadi was where we drank Cava and did the Baula dance with a Fijian tribe and Las Vegas where we placed a few chips in the desert.

Despite visiting all of these amazing places and living every day as if it was our last, the absolute number one experience was taking part in this Journey with Jemma, as far as I am concerned I brought the best part of the adventure back with me. Throughout our trip and to this very day you are my rock, my sole mate and my best friend.

·         I love you unconditionally I always have and I always will.

·         I love that you make me smile and laugh every day,

·         I love that before we go to bed we have toothbrush wars,

·         I love the fact that when I chase you up the stairs you get scared and give up half way and turn around to give me a hug,

·         I love that to make you laugh all I have to do is tickle the back of your knee,

·         I love how you have to, without fail, salute a magpie and ask him how his wife and family are every time we pass one,

·         I love your peachy bum,

·         I love your loyalty not just for me but for our families

·         but most of all I love that we both have the same sense of humour and that everyday we share laughter, when I see your smile it brightens my day. My darling Jemma, Words can not comprehend how incredibly beautiful you are and how much I am in love with you and will be for the rest of my life.

I would all now like you all to stand and to raise your glasses, a toast to my beautiful princess ‘ The Bride’.

Without further delay I will now hand you over to my dad, who I am sure will make the next 5 minutes the most uncomfortable of my life…Ladies and Gentleman I give you the best man