Speech by Stuart Venters

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stuart Venters
Speech Date: may 2003
Intro

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! ..Can you all hear me at the back?..… Well in that case I'll have another pint!
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Stuart and it is now my turn as Best man to say a few words. Don't worry I won't talk for too long, Nicola tells me she is used to Gavin only performing for 30 seconds so I don't want to outperform him.

Bridesmaids

On behalf of the Bridesmaids I would like to thank Gavin for his kind words and may I also add how beautiful all of them look today. And can I thank them for doing a fantastic job today…dragging Nicola to the Church.… Sorry making sure Nicola arrived at the Church on time. I'd also like to say that Nicola looks stunning today, as I'm sure you'll agree. Unfortunately for the Wedding photos, Gavin looks…well stunned!

Advice

In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good idea to seek advice from Married couples which I can pass on to Nicola and Gavin…so they can benefit from their wisdom. I shall not reveal names for fear of reprisals…from their wives! Hear are the pearls of wisdom…
Always remember to tell her those 3 little words… “You're right dear”.
She knows when you buy her flowers…it PROVES your guilty. She'll also remember ..to the second…when you last bought them.
You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage…the suffeRING, the enduRING and the tortuRING.

About GAV

I've known Gavin for many years now, from our early primary school days right up until he was 14 and met Nicola, at which point he had a ball and chain attached to him and was only let out every 6 months. I actually helped to bring Nicola and Gavin together… and I still don't think Joyce and George have forgiven me!
We still got to see Gavin, however every 6 months, although I think this suited Gavin as he was never a big drinker, everyone who was on the Stag night will agree with me I'm sure. Actually, the only time I can recall Gavin out drinking was when he had a couple of half pint lager shandies and fell into the Burn at Valley Gardens and buggered his knee. Gavin preferred the tartan slippers and pipe smoking approach to drinking where he would drink a couple of tins of cheap lager, Altendorf springs to mind, during lunch breaks at School, or if Nicola had spent all his money then drink his Dad's whiskey and fill the bottle backup with water.
We, and Nicola, did have our concerns about Gavin which arose during a night out. It was the night of the Air Cadet Christmas Party; everyone had their best clothes on, when …Gavin and this other chap turn-up dressed as women. The full drag outfit…wigs, make-up, short skirt, fish net stockings, fake tits……well I don't know how fake the tits were! As you can imagine everybody was horrified and, the LadyBoys we shall call them, had the audacity to claim they thought it was a fancy dress party! The more I think of it, I think Gavin was actually trying to let us know who really wears the trousers.

Sincere Note

On a sincere note ..I would like to thank Gavin for asking me to be his best man… and thank him for his friendship over the years that I have known him. I would also like to thank Nicola…for letting Gavin ask me to be his best man.

Toast

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Bridgeford. To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple… the Bride and Groom.

Telegrams/Cards

I would now like to read some of the cards and a telegrams that have been sent to us today. I apologise if I pronounce your name wrong but you can still buy me a drink at the Bar after.
This Telegram doesn't appear to have an address.…
To Nicola. From Raith Rovers Football Club. Gavin once came to us for a trial. We tried him in every position and he was bloody useless.… Now it's your turn.