Speech by Steven Rushforth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Rushforth
Speech Date: apr 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gents;

My turn!
I'm sure, after his getting his own speech over and done with – that this is probably the part of today – that Martin has been dreading the most! –

Since he told me I was going to be his best man over a year ago now, and I emphasise the word told!
I was given no choice in the matter!

I've had many a sleepless afternoon at University thinking about what I'm going to say when I get up here I can tell you!

I've read that being asked to be the best man, is like being asked to make love to the queen, it's a great honour – but nobody in the right mind wants to do it!

So I've had to promise Martin that I'll keep any industrial language to a minimum, and also promise not to tell any one of a hundred inappropriate stories I know about him!

because – for starters Louise wouldn't approve! And also because his boss is here!

Martin also promised me, that if I do a good job, I'd get to be best man next time he gets married! (I had to include one old chestnut at least!)

I must admit, that I'm very proud of Martin, he's got it all now – a great job, a lovely house, and now he's got his lovely wife Louise,

Who today, along with her bridesmaids, looks as pretty as a picture, he's done very well for himself as I always thought he would!

And he looks good today as well bless him!

He's been sweating cobs in training for the past six months getting into shape-

so he could fit into those trousers he's got on today! –

Just six months ago he was a massive 22 stone-
he's been pumping iron 3 times a week –
and got himself down to a shapely 21 and a half stone!

So well done mate!
(he's not really 21 stone – he's only about 18 or 19 stone to be fair)

Well obviously being brothers, Martin and I go back a long way –
Martin actually goes back as far as 1971 when he was born in Germany –
You can blame our Mother for bringing a kraut into the family –
He had awful trouble trying to get a passport because of his German connections!

Anyway, I followed three years later in 1974. Born in this country of course!

I can say that growing up with Martin's been a bit scary at times to say the least.

I can remember being subjected to Martin's many evil misgivings on more than several hundred occasions as a child!

A fine example I have for you all to prove this was when we were kids –
Every Thursday night, just before Top Of The Pops, at 7.00pm –
(And he knows exactly where this is going I bet you!)

This was when little Martin, and little Steven were given their weekly baths together– I used to dread it I tell you, it was like sharing a bath with a bloody sadist-
I always got the end with the taps and the plug of course! –

The thing was, he was always normally behaved until our Mum left the bathroom to go downstairs or something,

Then he used to look at me with this evil stare as I was innocently unscrewing my matey bubblebath or something –

when all of a sudden he would quickly grab my ankles with both hands-
before ramming his foot firmly between my legs – and he used to pull my ankles-
– to gain extra leverage – and crush my family jewels!! And I mean hard!!

My face used to turn blue and my testicles used to seek cover in my stomach somewhere until the crisis was over!

I had this peculiar little channel in my abdomen where my nads used to hide!

And I'm sure this was why I had to have a hernia operation down there last year!

How I'm not shooting blanks now I'll never know!!

Another example of one of Martin's many childhood tortures for me was when he used to pin me down on the floor with his knees on my chest-

He would hold both my arms back with one arm-whilst tickling me with the other!

He was far stronger than me anyway – but as you know, when you're being tickled, you're just helpless!

Don't get me wrong – this wasn't affectionate tickling –

There was another – more sinister plan behind the tickling –

Just as I was almost wetting myself laughing, he would call the dog over, my grandmother's dog midge that is – who had the worst breath you've ever smelt –

who proceeded to lick the inside my mouth while I was laughing!

So I was laughing and almost puking at the same time!

And you know what ? …………, he used to do this for absolutely bloody ages for his own sadamistic enjoyment!

But anyway – all's forgotten now Martin!

Years of counselling and rehabilitation have helped me get back in the bath again now and I can walk happily past a dog without screaming now aswell!
All water under the bridge eh? ! (It's bringing it all back…sob!)

No – we're amazingly the best of friends now; we've found we've got er…far more in common than we ever believed we would have.

Because, to be honest – we used to absolutely hate each other when we were teenagers!

I remember having him at knifepoint once!

But as we've gotten older we get on really well now. I was even out with him the night he met Louise, I don't know how he managed it at all because he was plastered

And he must have been spitting in her face whilst talking aswell! Cos he's terrible for that when he's had a few (as you'll find out later)

But seriously, he's a great guy, who has always been there when I needed him, and he's a great friend of mine. –

And to use a quote from one of Martin's friends Neil, who said that erm..

you can count on one hand how many true friends you have as you go through life –

And I think that's very true if you think about it –

And I'm really lucky to have one of those friends as my Brother aswell.

And I'm sure that everybody here agrees with me when I wish you both a very long and happy marriage.

So I shall wrap up my speech here, thank you very much for listening – and not throwing any fruit!

So if you would all please stand with me – and raise your glasses for the bride and groom –

Thankyou
——-