Speech by Alex Beales

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Alex Beales
Speech Date: Aug2004
RICHARD AND ALLISON PETER AND WENDY THE NEW MR AND MRS ALLISON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

FIRSTLY, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK NEIL ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS FOR HIS KIND COMMENTS AND ECHO THE FACT THAT THEY LOOK WONDERFUL AND HAVE DONE AN EXCELLENT JOB TODAY, WELL DONE LADIES.

SECONDLY, I'D LIKE TO SAY HOW STUNNING KATHERINE LOOKS TODAY.… AND A BIG THANK YOU TO NEIL FOR ASKING ME TO BE THE BEST MAN ON WHAT HAS BEEN AN EMOTIONAL DAY, EVEN THE LOVELY WEDDING CAKE IS IN TEARS!!!!

ALSO, THANKS TO THE USHERS FOR SO CAPABLY USHERING TODAY. JUST MAKE SURE YOU USHER ME TO THE BAR AFTER THIS SPEECH.

AND SO THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR HAS FINALLY ARRIVED. BUT I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY THAT PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE THAT KATHERINE HAS IN SPADES. HOW SHE COULD WAIT 10 YEARS FOR NEIL TO GET DOWN ON BENDED KNEE IS ANYONE'S GUESS!!

ACTUALLY, WHILE WORKING ON MY SPEECH, I COULDN'T HELP THINKING THAT IT'S FUNNY HOW HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. I MEAN, 28 YEARS AGO KATHERINE'S FAMILY WERE SENDING HER TO BED WITH A DUMMY…..… AND HERE THEY ARE TODAY DOING THE SAME!! BUT NO ORDINARY DUMMY!! Produce Picture

IT'S DIFFICULT TO GIVE YOU PRECISE DETAILS OF HOW NEIL AND I MET, BUT IT WAS AT THE TIME WHEN POTTY TRAINING WAS AT THE FOREFRONT OF OUR DAILY FOCUS. LEGEND HAS IT, FIRST TIME I MET HIM, THERE WAS A BIG SIGN IN THE HALL SAYING ‘WET FLOOR’. SO HE DID.

BUT DESPIT THAT LITTLE OCCURANCE, FRIENDS WE BECAME AND THE FACT THAT WE ARE STILL FRIENDS TODAY IS TESTAMENT TO THE EXPERIENCES AND TRIALS WE ENDURED AS WE GREW UP TOGETHER.

AND SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE BEEN ASKED TODAY BY CERTAIN FOLK TO PRAISE NEIL, NOT TO BURY HIM.… MIND YOU, I MUST SAY THE VOTE WAS PRETTY CLOSE.…

IT'S A REAL HONOUR TO BE NEIL'S BEST MAN. AS SOON AS HE ASKED ME, I THOUGHT THE ONLY PROBLEM WOULD BE GETTING A SPEECH TOGETHER, SINCE NEIL HAS BEEN A SELF@CONFESSED, MATURE, WELL ADJUSTED ADULT SINCE HE WAS 15. I KNEW THE STAG DO WOULD FALL INTO PLACE EASILY, BUT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE SPEECH. NEIL'S RARELY BEEN THE CONTROVERSIAL ONE MAKING AN ARSE OF HIMSELF, HE USUALLY LEAVES THAT TO SOME OF HIS FRIENDS, WELL ME ACTUALLY.

THEY SAY THE JOB OF BEING BEST MAN IS ESSENTIALLY COMPRISED OF FOUR MAIN TASKS:

ONE ORGANISE THE STAG WEEKEND NO PROBLEM AT ALL!! BUT I THINK THE LESS SAID THE BETTER

TWO HELP THE GROOM DRESS WELL THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, IF HE HASN'T LEARNT BY NOW, WHAT CAN I REALLY BE EXPECTED TO DO…

THREE SEE THAT ANY EX@GIRLFRIENDS ARE KEPT AT BAY THAT'S EASY ENOUGH, I THINK THEY'VE ALL LEFT THE UK

FOUR AND PROBABLY MOST IMPORTANTLY, OFFER A THOROUGH CHARACTER ASSAINATION OF THE GROOM IN THE BEST MAN'S SPEECH.…

WELL, WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS THERE.

IN LIFE, YOU CAN COUNT YOUR TRUE FRIENDS ON ONE HAND, YOU KNOW, THOSE PEOPLE BEING THERE IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED. NEIL HAS ALWAYS HAD THE KNACK OF BEING WITH ME AT THE MOST IMPORTANT MOMENTS. FOR INSTANCE:

WHEN I WROTE OFF MY CAR, NEIL WAS THERE,

THE DAY I NOTICED MY HAIR WAS STARTING TO FALL OUT NEIL WAS THERE – OFFERING ADVICE ON THE BEST HAIR REPLACEMENT FORMULAE. – I might add

AND WHEN MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE, WHO DO YOU THINK WAS THERE? YES, NEIL WAS THERE!!

IN FACT THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT NEIL, THE MORE YOU'RE A BLOODY JINX.

BUT IT HASN'T ALL BEEN ONE WAY TRAFFIC. I HAVE HAD THE DUBIOUS GOOD FORTUNE OF BEING PRESENT AT SOME OF NEIL'S MORE IMPRESSIVE MOMENTS.

FROM HIS INFAMOUS EAR PIERCING INCIDENT, WHERE HE MANAGED TO KEEP THE GLISTENING DIMAOND STUD IN FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS BEFORE COMPLAINING ABOUT A SUPPOSED ALLERGIC REACTION, HOWEVER HIS PALE GREEN COMPLEXION WAS ENOUGH TO CONVINCE ME HIS EXCUSE WAS GENUINE.

SHAME THOUGH, AS I THOUGHT IT WAS ‘VERY YOU’.

AS THE YEARS ROLLED ON, WE EMBARKED ON OUR DRINKING CAREER, WHICH WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN PARTICULARLY PROUD OF.…
WE'VE CERTAINLY PUT A LOT OF TIME INTO IT.

ONE HOT SUMMER IN THE ALGARVE WILL LIVE LONG IN THE MEMORY.…
WE WERE OUT ON OUR FIRST NIGHT CELEBRATING THE END OF OUR SCHOOL YEARS.

I SOON REALISED THAT I HAD NOT SEEN NEIL FOR A GOOD HOUR OR TWO. STRANGE AS IT WASN'T LIKE HIM TO VANISH.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I HEADED TO THE BEACH IN SEARCH FOR HIM.… I LOOKED DOWN TO THE SAND.… WHAT A SIGHT. NEIL HUGGING A DECK CHAIR FOR DEAR LIFE, WITH HIS TROUSERS ROUND HIS ANKLES AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKY IN HAND.

I COULD SEE NEIL WISHING THAT THE LARGE RED BEACH TOWEL NEXT HIM WAS A MAGIC CARPET TO WHISK HIM AWAY BUT IN FACT, WHEN I ARRIVED ON THE SCENE, THE ONLY THING WHISKING HIM AWAY WAS THE PORTUGUESE POLICE MEAT WAGON.…

BUT MY GOOD TIMING AND SILKY TONGUE MANAGED TO PERSUADE THE POLICE HE'D BE BETTER OF DECORATING THE WALLS OF OUR HOTEL ROOM RATHER THAN THE CELLS DOWN THE LOCAL POLICE STATION.
ANYTHING TO ADD THERE NEIL, IN THE BAR LATER PERHAPS, Pause

HE SOMEHOW MANAGED TO RETURN TO BLIGHTY INTACT AND PREPARE HIMSELF FOR ESHER COLLEGE WHERE HE ENJOYED THE MANY ASPECTS OF STUDENT LIFE, MEANING OF COURSE THE WINE AND THE WOMEN. But not Whisky surprisingly

AND THIS WAS, OF COURSE, WHERE NEIL MET KATHERINE, THE BEGINNING OF THE GREAT ROMANCE. AND WITH NEIL BEING HIS USUAL PATIENT SELF, IN THE SECOND YEAR, HE FINALLY MADE HIS MOVE AND LOVE BLOSSOMED.

AND SO THOSE LADDISH SUMMER HOLIDAYS EVENTUALLY GAVE WAY TO PICNICS IN BUSHY PARK AND PLEASANT AFTERNOON BIKE RIDES TO RICHMOND FOR SUNDAY LUNCH.

I WAS TALKING TO NEIL THE OTHER DAY, REMINISCING ABOUT ALL THE OLD TIMES WHEN I GOT ROUND TO ASKING HIM WHAT HE WANTED FROM HIS MARRIAGE.… HE SAID:

“WELL, I WANT TO BE A MODEL HUSBAND”

“I WANT TO BE A MODEL CITIZEN”

AND HE ADDED WITH A LARGE GRIN THAT HE ALSO WANTED TO BE A MODEL LOVER!!

TITTER

BEING THE NA&#207VE GUY THAT I AM, I LOOKED UP “MODEL” IN THE DICTIONARY AND IT SAID “A SMALL, MINIATURE REPLICA OF THE
REAL THING”!! Sorry mate

BUT ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE, NEIL, OUR HEALTHY COMPETITION IN SPORT AND WOMEN PRE@KATHERINE OF COURSE HAS SPURRED US BOTH TO GREATER HEIGHTS. WE HAVE HAD SOME EXCELLENT TIMES TOGETHER AND I KNOW THAT WE WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO IN THE FUTURE. YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND AND IT IS A TRUE HONOUR TO BE YOUR BEST MAN.

AND THIS BRINGS ME TO KATHERINE I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT SHE HAS HAD A HUGE IMPACT ON NEIL. I HAVE SPOKEN OF NEIL BEOFRE HE MET KATHERINE AND AFTER HE MET KATHERINE AND YOU ONLY HAVE TO GLANCE AT HIM TO SEE HOW PROUD HE IS TO BE HER HUSBAND.

I HAVE A FEW TELEGRAMS TO READ

AND HERE NEIL, IS A GIFT FROM ME TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR BACHELOR YEARS.

I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MR AND MRS NICHOLLS FOR MAKING THIS A TRULY SPECIAL DAY. ALL I HAVE LEFT TO DO IS TO ASK YOU TO CHARGE YOUR GLASSES AND JOIN ME IN TOASTING THE NEW MR AND MRS ALLISON. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU THE BRIDE AND GROOM.