Speech by

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator:
Speech Date: Aug 1999
Just Before Dinner
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll quickly introduce myself, my name is Kxxxxxxxx, affectionately known by my initials – KC. I am John's Best Man for the day. I'd now like to call upon the Reverend Father Kieran O'Rourke to say grace before meals.

Just After Dinner
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you all enjoyed your meal, could I have your attention please while we have a few words from the groom's father.

After Groom's Father's Speech
Thanks very much John, I would now like to call upon the bride's father Micky to say a couple of words

After Bride's Father's Speech
Thank you Mickie, I'm sure John appreciates those kind words. I would now like to call upon John to say a few words.

After Groom's Speech Best Man's Speech
Thank you for those kind words John – very gracious indeed. Good afternoon once again everybody, I'm sure you'll all admit that this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration thus far…..unfortunately every silver-lining does have a cloud, and that is that you've all got to listen to me for the next short while.

First off before I go any further I would like to say a few words of thanks to a number of people, without whom this whole event would not have been such a success here today.

· I would like to thank our priest the reverend father Kieran O'Rourke for conducting the wedding ceremony this afternoon.
· I would like to thank the parents of the bride and groom, I know they have all been extremely busy over the past number of months feverishly preparing for this day.
· I'd like to thank Shirley Rose for the wonderful flower arrangements that we have seen around us all day.
· Special thanks to the Meadow Court and all of their staff for the comfortable surroundings and the splendid meal.
· Thanks to everyone else that had a hand in the organisation for the day – it truly is a huge amount of work.
· Finally I'd really like to thank John for doing me the honour of asking me to be his best man. Thanks John………..thanks for making me a nervous wreck…

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been such an exciting day today that I'm absolutely speechless….which is probably very good news for most of you. This morning at the ceremony, I think everyone will agree that the bride looked absolutely stunning !
The groom looked absolutely stunned !

As a bachelor myself I must admit that I have no idea what it feels like to be happily married…..but then again…..… from what I've heard……neither do most husbands …
No but seriously, talking to some of my other married friends, one of the biggest differences they find between married and single life is that being single simply means that you don't have to leave a party early just as you're starting to have a good time…

Anyway, I'd better hurry on……I'm only actually able to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat…….if I go on too long Shelley has threatened to cut it.…

So what can I say about the groom today, Well, I have known him for almost 18 years, he's handsome, athletic, intelligent, witty, charismatic………..Oh Sorry wrong wedding !!!! …

Background
No……….Well first off I thought it would be appropriate for me to give the people who don't know John, a little bit of background about him. Johnnie was born on February 19th in 1971, a fantastic year by all accounts…..the same year that soft contact lenses were deemed safe to wear…..(that's good to know …)…… and more importantly the year in which Monty Python's first feature length film "And now for something completely different" was released.

I really have done a lot of research here and John will be pleased to know that he actually SHARES his birthday with a couple of rather fetching American actresses, namely Pamela Anderson and Jennifer Anniston. But that is DEFINATELY all that he'll ever share with them. …

I suppose I can't talk about John without mentioning his illustrious golfing career. He obviously comes from a strong golfing family with everyone barring his mother Mary gracing the fairways. Golf has been good to the guy and because he wins so often he has actually been able to start up a small business dealing in toasters and deep fat fryers. …
He has also funded most of this wedding with money taken from myself and just about every other male in this room.

What else can I tell you about our lucky groom. He likes his food that's for sure – but you can see by the size of him that it's not exactly having too serious an effect on his waistline……high metabolism I think they call it. The guy has been able to fit into the same clothes for the past 15 years…..… Not so long ago he was offered a part time job in Galway…….standing around in one of those yuppie-type wine bars …….they reckoned that he made the drinks look bigger.…

You may have noticed that I have purposely arranged that the ketchup was removed from all of the tables before the meal available for the meal today. During his younger years John had a fetish for this particular condiment. No no, Johnnie didn't just use ketchup to compliment chips and burgers. He used to like the stuff on more exotic items like Barn Brack, Cornflakes, biscuits and this is my particular favourite……..Apple Tart.…

He was always a smart lad, but even when he was very young he was always trying to come up with new and exciting ways to use items that myself and yourself might take for granted. One of the more innovative ideas that John came up with was when he discovered in junior infants that the toilet was actually a pretty good place to wash hair……unfortunately the teacher didn't think so and John managed to scrape a half day out if it when his mother was called in to get him.…

Later on then when John moved to Loughrea – this would have been in the early eighties – myself and himself would have met in the final year of national school. We went on then to become two of the funniest and most popular guys in our early secondary school years. Unfortunately, no one else thought so and several black eyes later it was time to hop into reality.…

We came through it all OK though and after a stint in college in Galway and a good period of time acting as Loughrea's answer to Casanova it finally happened….… As much as he would have liked to, John realized that he just couldn't continue to live the playboy life forever, and on one starry night in 1993 he met the woman of his dreams……..a couple of weeks after that he met Shelley..…

Funnily enough though it wasn't until a couple of years later that TRUE true love finally caught up with John……..… In 1995, he bought his first Sony Playstation..…

No seriously though……all in all it has been over 6 ½ years since John has been going out with the beautiful bride here beside me. It wasn't long then before he moved out of the family nest and bought himself a house – this was a great relief to his parents as they were getting very tired of finding him asleep on the kitchen floor in the morning. The guy could never hold his drink, sorry John..…

Anyway, moving on to more current times, the pre-Shelley version of John Counihan is not actually that different to the present version…..he is STILL described as being conceited, somewhat selfish, oftentimes arrogant and on the whole pretty insensitive, and let's face it his mother should know. .

But John, I don't think you need worry anyway..… as Cher once said – "the trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him"

On a more serious note though, you're a very lucky groom Johnnie; you've got Shelley. As you can all see she looks stunning today; she's beautiful, smart, warm, loving and caring. And Shelley, you've got………John……
No seriously though John, Shelley really does deserve a thoughtful and loving husband, so thank God that she married you before she actually found one..…

No SERIOUSLY, seriously ladies and gentlemen, Shelley does look fantastic today, and so do her bridesmaids Jean, Joy and Susan, so could we please put our hands together for Shelley and the bridesmaids.

Before I call a toast to the bride and groom, I thought that it would be appropriate to seek some advice from veterans of the marriage game to pass on to John and Shelley. I collected these from married people over the past couple of weeks. I shant reveal my sources here for fear of reprisals….from their wives……

The Joke
This first one is going to be popular……..remember John you must always bear in mind that there are more than two rings in a marriage…………….barring the obvious there's also the suffeRING, enduRING, and tortuRING.

John – a couple of words of advice for you that I have retrieved from the annals of history – Always remember the following three words ……."you're right dear"……

Another one for you to remember John, except this one is from Oscar Wilde……
"Women are meant to be loved…not understood" ……

Ladies and Gentlemen…..on behalf of John and Shelley, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. I know that this means an awful lot to them.

On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been a hell of a lot easier on me. I started planning this speech about a month ago and you all must feel like I've been delivering it equally as long……, but now it gives me immense pleasure (and admittedly much relief) to invite you all to stand and raise you glasses in a toast for John and Shelley, Mr and Mrs Counihan no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. John and Shelley.…

And while you're all standing I've just got a few last things to say…….Johnnie, you have been a great friend and it has been an honour to be your best man. I wish yourself Shelley and of course Cassie the very best for the future. Congratulations !!!!

As is customary now – I'll read a couple of the cards and messages that have been passed on to me..…
The first is from the local lads here on John's 5-a-side soccer team…….and it says…..we've found John to be pretty useless in every position. Hope Shelley has more luck. Congratulations !!!

A couple of late arriving telegrams also……
To John…..we could have been so good together…..love Kate Moss……
And one more..…
To Shelley…..we could have been so good together…..love Martina Navratilova……

I'd like to pass over now to the able bodied chaps beside me here to continue on and read some more of the good wishes……

Thank you very much for listening !!!