Distinguished guests, guests of no particular distinction, relatives young and old, friends, freeloaders, hangers on, gypsies, tramps, thieves and anyone else who may have wandered in, you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us. However, it is a privilege and an honour to do so. I just hope that, so soon into our married life, I don’t let Sue down .
My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention! To be honest I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. Before I start, there will be plenty of toasts over the next few minutes so please make sure that your glasses are charged.
Firstly, we’d like to thank Philip for his kind words and good wishes. And to thank him for paying for this lovely reception …(pause and look at him) What? I thought you said…….No I’m only joking – you don’t need to find the key for the padlock on your wallet!
It’s lovely to see so many of our family and friends here today to help us celebrate the happiest day of our lives. I know that some of you have travelled a long way to be here and that means a lot to us. It really wouldn’t be the same without you all. It’d be a darned sight cheaper, but that’s not the point. Thank you all for your very generous gifts, and a special thanks to those of you who have given cheques. No, we really are grateful for those, especially as we’ll be using the details on the cheques to set up direct debits paying our bills for years to come. Who said that identity fraud is a bad idea?
Unfortunately, it’s not been possible to have everyone we love here with us today, but we know they’re here with us in spirit and they’re not only in our thoughts today, but more importantly they’re with us in our hearts. So, with them in mind, would you please all stand, raise your glasses, and join me in a toast to absent family & friends.
(To absent family and friends)
I’d also like to sincerely thank Sue’s mum and dad, Val and Peter, for making me feel like the son they never wanted – sorry, the son they never had, right from day two. Day one was a bit rough, but I *think* they’re over it now. Her brothers, too, have never made me feel anything other than welcome and I thank them for that.
It can be very difficult when two families come together but we have been extremely lucky. Sue’s children, Philip and Emma, have welcomed me into their family and my children, Molly and Emily, have welcomed Sue into theirs. We all get on so well, and that is a rare thing indeed. And something that has been made possible by all of our children. So I’d like to propose a toast to Philip, Emma, Molly and Emily.
(To Philip, Emma, Molly and Emily)
My Dad has helped me enormously over the years and has seen me through thick and thin. Mainly thick, if I’m being honest but he’s been there for me and I hope that I have done him proud. I really couldn’t have asked for a better father and I thank you for everything that you have done, not just for me but for me and my wife. Thank you.
There is an unwritten rule of wedding etiquette that states that nobody should look more handsome than the groom and I’d like to thank our ushers Steve and Peter for sticking to that rule to the letter. They have both lent an air of ‘nightclub bouncer respectability’ to their roles and I particularly admired the way they searched the ladies’ handbags and frisked the men as they came in with such discretion and subtlety. I’m not quite sure that saying “You’ll sit where you’re ruddy well put” was really in the spirit of the day, but we’ll let that pass. Thanks to both of you.
I have known Richard, my Best Man, for nearly seventeen years now and throughout that time he has been there for me when it matters and is always ready with an encouraging word, and a welcome bottle of Rioja when things are going badly. And, if I’m being honest, when things are going well. I’d like to thank him for all his help in organizing the stag do, and for creating the table plan for us. But, most importantly I’d like to thank him for being a true friend. However, there is something that I need to make you aware of. Rich suffers from a strange condition that occasionally causes him to drift in and out of weird, strange flights of fantasy. He has been known to make up fanciful stories, absolutely believing them to be true. Anyway, it’s only right that I advise you all of this ahead of his speech. As I say, he is a true friend and I wouldn’t want you to go upsetting him, so if you could bear with him, even join with him on his journey of make believe, I would appreciate it.
Apart from my wife, there are three other beautiful ladies here today. Sue’s daughter Emma and my daughters, Molly and Emily. We’d like to thank them very much for being such wonderful bridesmaids. So, please stand and join me in a toast to the bridesmaids.
(To the bridesmaids!)
Finally, I would like to thank my wife – I think I’m going to enjoy getting used to saying that – for agreeing to marry me and for making me the happiest man in the world. I think you’ll agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today and when she walked up the aisle, she took my breath away.
They say you don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you can’t live without and I think that sums us up perfectly. Now if I had to single out one thing about why I love Sue so much, it would be the fact that she makes me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. And I intend to spend the rest of my life making sure that the reverse is also true. I know that Sue has put a huge amount of effort into making today perfect and I think that she has done that, and more. Having lived with Sue for a couple of years now, I have learned a valuable lesson – when I’m wrong, admit it. When I’m right, keep quiet! Seriously though, I never have a problem finding the words to express my love for Sue, but if I start then I probably won’t be able to stop. Suffice to say that, Sue, I love you so much and I can’t wait to grow old with you. Ladies and gentlemen, please stand and raise your glasses to my wife, Sue.
Now, I’m not going to stand here all afternoon and bore you all with a load of stale old jokes. That’s the Best Man’s job! So, without further ado, I’d like to hand over to Richard.