Parents Ruining My Wedding - Help

First of all, your mum has no right to dictate how you have your wedding and it's pretty disgraceful she isn't coming on those grounds? Is there more to that story? Seems quite dramatic not to go just because you're having a night do!

Whether you walk up the aisle with your dad or on your own if you want to marry your OH you will need to do it. Are you not wanting to be given away as you don't agree with the idea or because you think it will make you more nervous? If it's the latter then I suggest that having someone by your side will really help and on the day you will be so happy and full of adrenaline you will be fine!

If it's all still a big issue why don't you both get married with a select few at the registry office or abroad?

Oh my goodness, I feel so bad for you! I don't really like the idea of being "given away" so I prefer to think of it as having my Dad "accompany" me down the aisle (I presume it'll be an aisle, it's in a registry office so I don't really know). I think it'll be really nice to have him supporting me up to the "last minute" as it were. So think about it - though if it's not what you want, don't cave in just because your Dad has had a tantrum.

Same goes for your Mum. I'd explain to them both, gently but firmly, that you are having the wedding you and your OH want and it would mean a lot if they would both attend. Is there a compromise to be made? Would your mum attend the day and maybe not the evening? Can you think of another way to involve your Dad that doen't mean walking you down the aisle? Their behaviour is frustrating but you may always regret it if they are not present.

And finally remember - there are no rules for a wedding, despite what others may tell you, so you can't do ANYTHING wrong!

OK, you're both overreacting here. And that's understandable since weddings bring out lots of emotions, both yours and those of your parents who are either reliving their day or wanting you to have what they didn't. They are not ruining your wedding any more than you are ruining their long held dreams of their daughter getting married. Even though it seems like they are not contributing, and according to the received "wisdom" on here, therefore have no say, they have still probably thought about your wedding day since you were a baby. And for your Mum that means a traditional do with evening reception, and for your Dad, that means walking you down the aisle (think of it like that, you don't have to have any words about giving away just because he walks with you). Now, you, through no fault of your own, have shattered these preconceptions, and they have had what appears to be a knee jerk reaction. You're now in a position where you're all being stubborn, you're claiming it's ruining your wedding and they don't want to come. (actually, I'd bet a fortune that they DO want to come, they're just sulking).

I suggest you ask to talk to them about the whole wedding. Say how much it means to you that they come, and see if they can understand that not all weddings are traditional now, but it doesn't make the marriage any less valid. I don't think my own mother thought I was having a "proper" wedding until she saw the video (we eloped but had the vows filmed for parents). You may find that some compromises need to be made, hopefully from both sides. Most importantly, listen to your parents, and see what their real reasons for their (probably empty) threats are.

Alternatively, you can listen to the "your day, your way" brigade, tell them not to come, and see how you feel a few years down the line...

Im in the 'your day, your way brigade' to be honest. I dont think YOU are over reacting at all........you havent said anything to suggest that you have over reacted so the post above confuses me.

If your uncomfortable being walked down the aisle then dont do it. and if you want a night do have one. Your mum and dad may have been 'dreaming' about your day forever but it is YOUR day and not theres. they had there day and you should have yours.

You may look back in a few years and wish they were there but u may also look back and wish that u hadnt stumbled down the aisle and your wedding hadnt finished at 6pm! Why doesnt your mum want a nightdo? has she give u a reason? why carnt she come to the wedding and just leave in the evening?

xxxx

Barefoot, her mum is saying she doesn't want an evening reception, I think.

I'm not one of the 'your day, your way' people but I do actually think your parents are being extremely harsh.

If your mother doesn't want an evening reception, can't she just leave before it starts? What's her reasoning behind this?

With regards to your dad, I think you need to have a proper talk about this and explain that being father of the bride isn't just about giving you away. I take it you'll still be asking him to do a speech?

This is easier said than done, but honestly, try not to worry. They say that now but they are just spitting out their dummies. As the day draws near they will realise how much they want to be there. They are most likely just hoping you wil turn around and say 'oh ok, lets do what you want' If you continue planning and casually mentioning your plans etc as they develop, they will want to be there with you and realise you are continuing regardless, they wont miss your wedding.

Hiya, thanks for all getting back to me.

It's my mum who does not want a night do. She thinks I'm making so much fuss as me & OH will have been together 8yrs when I get married & as we already have 3 boys she thinks i'm turning it into a circus. She asked me why i've booked a limo, I told her I have o other means of getting to the reception, she told me to catch the bus.

Ive tired involving her from the beginning I brought wedding venue brochure's to the house for her to help me pick a venue and all I was greeted with was why do you want a party. flowers - isn't that a fuss, photographer - well isn't your camera good enough for that.

ITS ME THAT IS PAYING FOR THE WEDDING, MY OH FAMILY THE RECEPTION. So I struggle to see why shes just being so nasty. I have said, come to the wedding and wedding breakfast as I understand if you don't want to come to the disco, but no, she just repeats. I told you I didn't want a night do.

It hurts that because I want a wedding breakfast & a night do as my OH family are driving down to us and I don't want it ending at 6pm just to please my mum.

I said to dad if it meant so much to him he could give me away, but now he just ignores me.

I just want my family there on my big day but at the same time I want it to be mine & OH day not my mum & dads. I do suffer with my nerves and I preferred walking in unnoticed to the registry office( they have a separate door at the side so I just walk in and sit down), I don't want to start panicking about everyone looking at me and me getting hot and bothered. Mum did understand that and backed me up.

Im not being over dramatic, but I have considered cancelling it as I want them there but feel pressured to recreate their wedding day. As my mm drove herself to the reg office, didn't have a party and by 3pm everyone had gone home. If it wasn't for the fact ive paid for almost everything and ordered my dress I would, as I want them there.

Hmm OK that is difficult. How do they get on with your OH? How did they react to the engagement? Are they generally supportive of you, or do they think you just should get married since you have children? My Mum was also a bit "you don't want a big fuss" since this was my second marriage, and was then shocked when we announced we were eloping. However, her attitude persisted through dress shopping ("why can't you just wear a bridesmaid dress, they're cheap and you had a big dress last time") and planning a UK reception ("do you really need flowers? ). I just smiled and carried on with my plans. However, at no point did she refuse to come to the reception/party just because we weren't doing it how she thought second marriages should be done (in sackcloth and ashes, out of public sight, I think!!)

Can you just tell them that this is your wedding, they don't have to like it, agree with your plans, etc, and you're not forcing them to stay any longer than they wish, but it would mean lots for them to witness the marriage ceremony? Oh, and if she repeats that she doesn't want a night do, you can always smile sweetly and say "no Mum, I know, and I understand if you want to leave, but OH's parents DO want a night do, and they are paying for it".

This!

Regarding your Dad, re-iterate your worries about walking down the aisle & leave him off to sulk if he won't back down! I'd also try the old fave of blackmail "If you don't want to come because I don't want you to walk me down, it will mean you will miss your daughter's wedding & I'd be very disappointed in you"

I really don't understand why your mum doesn't want a night do? Does she feel jealous that OHs family are paying for it? Does she have a bad experience of a night do? There must be a reason?

They weren't very excited when I announced we were getting married, just oh about time. OH & mum aren't very close, but that's my mum, my dad is similar if he wants something he will talk to you otherwise he ignores you. mum just doesn't mix well either, I had my boys christened in may and she didn't speak to OH family once. I had OH family trying to talk to her and she just kept quiet and held my bambini and told me to turn DS2 towards her.

I think i'm just going to tell them that's it my day, i've done my best to try & make them happy, even offering to change my plans and been getting myself upset, I've explained that OH family is paying and OH would like a night do & as it is his day too. I cant make everyone happy, and if I explain that if they miss my big day because of some silly little things then so be it. I'll be hurt and upset but I've tried, more than what they have.

Who would of thought that getting married would cause so much fuss. I just want to marry Guy in front of my family & friends, have a nice meal & a lil disco after.

Stephie xx

Hello, i just wanted to say im sorry to hear your having issues, i think you need to do what you want, its a shame about ur mum and dad giving u issues, i guess u cant pick ur family.

Even if she doesn't want to stay for the evening do if she 'doesn't agree' with it, I don't see why she can't be there for the day. It's such a shame. I know people always say you need to make a few compromises with regards to family; at the end of the day the important think is they're there. I often agree, but not this time. It seems as if your mum is being deliberately petulant because she didn't get her own way.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that I can't be of any real help.

My mum is definitely in the 'don't make a fuss' camp. She is going, phew, but I know she'll spend the day being slightly embarrased. Your mum is good to back you up re your dad. But I suspect she's coming at a keeping it low key approach. Try explaining you respect that about not making a fuss. But you're making a special day to celebrate with those you care about and love the positives and blessings of your relationship. It may seem obvious to you that is what YOU view a wedding as but perhaps to her it is a legal thing? Perhaps she felt pressured into hers? My mum certainly comes from there. Best wishes.

Is it possible that your Mum is jealous of you/your day? Or jealous of OH's parents' contribution? Perhaps she didn't want her wedding to end at 3 pm? Perhaps they couldn't afford a big nighttime party?

Anyway, it is utterly beyond my comprehension how your Mum thinks this is normal behaviour under these circumstances. I can't see what leverage she thinks she has. It's one thing to say 'I wouldn't do that, it's not necessary, meh' and another to say 'I'm not coming if you do that thing which is none of my business'.

She's spitting her dummy out. Call her bluff.

It must be really hurtful to have a mother who is trying to force you into doing things her way. Especially by using the threat of not attending. Just be straight with her, say you are having an evening do and you would be devastated if she is not present on your wedding day. Don't discuss it any further, let it sink in. I hope she comes around and realises she is being unfair.

Luckily, my parents haven't given me any real major issues with either wedding (i'm on my 2nd marriage, my 1st husband died, i'm 35 at the moment, got married to my husband april 2011), although i did find my parents harder work the 2nd time around.

1st time around, it was very quiet, low key, cheap & cheerful, things were great though.

This 2nd time, they were happy about the engagement & intial wedding plans, but then i did get sly comments of 'you don't need any fuss', 'who are you inviting/why are you inviting that person', 'just buy a plain dress from x, y or z shop, as long as it's clean & serviceable, it'll be fine'. It was little things like that. Then neither my mum or sister would come to my meal & disco night out for my hen party - they apparently don't do hen parties, yet have been to others in the past & my sister has been to other hen parties since! On the day itself, they only turned up at my house about an hour before we were due to be married, not dressed/ready and needed their hair doing & make up on (on top of us having to allow for getting to the town hall/register office)!! There were only 18 of us during the day, then 120 in the evening. We married at 2.45pm, had a meal at a local hotel, then an evening of disco & buffet from about 7/7.30pm. Finished about midnight. My parents left the reception at about 8pm - their words were 'we've had enough and can't cope with it'. They were staying at our house overnight, we stayed over at the hotel where we'd had our meal/reception. The following morning we arrived home, to find them desperate to leave & had polished off 3 bottles of wine in my fridge (that had been given by my friend who had done my make up, the lady who'd done my nails & the other from a neighbour, for us getting married!). Apparently they didn't see the harm - well, i made sure they replaced them! Lol! What made it harder was how different they were at my sister's wedding the year before! They were there all day, couldn't do more for people, almost to the point of showing off! But, i've had to shrug it off and realise that it's how it was. A few people commented on their early departure, most were just like 'oh, ok', but a couple of friends said it was somewhat innapropriate for them to leave just as evening guests (of which most were family/family friends) were arriving/had just arrived.

Just remembered to add - i didn't get given away at either wedding by my dad. At my first wedding, my sister was a witness. My mum was a witness at my sister's wedding a year before ours, so i asked my dad to be my witness this time around - it took him 2 or 3 weeks to give me an answer! His first response was 'can i think about it?'. My mum did comment that it was odd of him to do that, but think he worried he had more to do than just witness the wedding (as all other guests would be doing anyway) and then be a signature on the marriage certificate. My husband's dad was the other witness. Which he was told about. Can laugh about it now lol

It feels quite like this to me as well. I really don't understand why you having a evening do is an issue especially as it is what you want! They are fairly standard? Or maybe it is the fact your OH family are paying for it?

Hiya, Thank you for all getting back to me & all your words of support & advice, up until yesterday I felt like it was my fault and I was in the wrong xx

It was my mums choice to have a quiet wedding and have an early finish, but I don't get why she expects me to. Part of me wonders if it is jealousy towards OH family as they are well off but this isn t about money this about celebrating us getting married and I want them by myside.

How do I explain to my sons that my parents aren't there, DS1 will be 7 so hes going to notice that they aren't there, he s already picked up on the fact my parents are very offish with me at the mo.

After thinking about it last night and speaking to Guy, Im just going to tell them that I love them, respect them and how much it will mean to me to have them there with me on my day and if don't I will be heartbroken and I wont be able to forgive or forget either one of them if they don't turn up.

Stephanie xx

Good luck with this & I hope they change their minds. x