Wedding Jokes

Welcome to the Hitched wedding jokes and humour section. Here you will find the best of the wedding jokes and humor around with links to classic best man stories and sections for only the bride and groom to read. These wedding jokes could be great included in a best man or chief bridesmaid/matron of honour speech.

If you have any other wedding jokes then please let us know and we will include them in the site.


Short Wedding Jokes

I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing.... between five it’s fantastic!

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: Dad, is it true? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."

A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no," he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months.... I don't like to interrupt her.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

  1. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  2. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  3. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

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It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :

  1. The Engagement Ring
  2. The Wedding Ring
  3. The Suffer-Ring
  4. The Endure-Ring

A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire." – "And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend. – "A multi-millionaire," the woman replied.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months.... I don't like to interrupt her.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?”
Wife: “I'm looking for a loophole.”

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Other Wedding Jokes

A married couple were travelling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a policeman pulled them over.

"Why have you pulled us over? I wasn't doing anything wrong!" protested the husband.

"Sir, I caught you doing 110 mph and the speed limit is 80 mph in this zone, I'll have to give you a ticket," said the policeman. The husband starts going berserk, screaming that the policeman should be out catching criminals instead harassing law-abiding citizens like him and his wife.

The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and says, "You'll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking.”

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she wouldn’t remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember the hymn because that’s what we’ll sing at the start of the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these three words. . . Aisle, alter, hymn (I'll alter him!)

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain.

“Well, my first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."

“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."

“My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up."

“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'"

“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."

“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."

“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."

“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was… God I miss him!"

“So now I've married you, and I'm really excited,” she said. "Why is that?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer, I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!”

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