Good evening ladies, gentlemen, family and friends. First of all I must say a big “thank you” to Colin for his kind words. His speech was so good, he’s going to do mine for me too.
As many of you will know, I am of the shy retiring type that likes to keep quiet and keep my opinions to myself, therefore you can understand my nervousness at standing up here in front of all of you making a speech. And as many of you will also know, I’m also a compulsive liar, but I am still nervous, that bit is true. I have been fearful of this bit for weeks, and as you can imagine, this isn’t the first time today I have arisen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
I read while researching wedding speeches that a good speech has a good beginning and a good ending.
But the best speech of all is one that keeps these close together. So I will try and keep this as short as possible, and will try my best not to do a “Gwinny” with my list of thanks.
Firstly I would like to thank any Rangers fans for still being here and not walking out at 4.30 as usual. Pause for cheers But then again, I don’t think were friends with any of them anyway.
I would like to thank my parents, Ian and Margaret for all the help they have given me over the years, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here now. So, Helen, if it doesn’t work out you know who to blame.
I would also like to thank Helen’s parents, Colin and Sandra, for making me feel like the son they never wanted, sorry the son the never had, right from day 2. Day 1 was a bit rough, but hey, theyre over it now.
I would also like to thank Colin and Sandra for having such a beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring daughter, who they know, more than most, can be a bit high maintenance at times. And of course, for giving me the privilege of being her husband. I hope to do you both proud and thank you both for everything you have done today and to make today happen. We both know it has not been easy arranging a wedding from 400 miles away. But thank you both for all you have done.
Helen if you would like to present the parents with a token of our thanks.
Story of how we met
At this point I’m supposed to go into detail about how my wife and I met. I thought I’d sneak that in there to see how many of you were actually listening, but if you missed it, there will be the opportunity to heckle again later.
I’m sure most of you already know how we met, but when people ask how someone with a Warrington/Cheshire/Liverpool/Lancashire/Yorkshire accent ended up living in Kintore and being with me, I tell them we met in the Mace car park. Which we did, but the elongated version of the story which Helen likes to tell, is a bit more “Mills and Boon”. I wont go into to much detail, but the night before we met, Colin had a full head of hair, on the top that is. Then the day we met, they received a phone call from Helen saying she was on the M74 just south of Glasgow off to meet someone who she had been chatting to online, for a week, who had JOKED about her coming up for a holiday in Aberdeenshire. This is usually the point where people say “He could have been an axe murderer”. Well, I can honestly say, I have never harmed an axe in all my life. And the rest they say is history. Incidentally, it took Helen 9 hours to get from Lancaster, where she was staying at the time, to Kintore. So anyone wanting a lift in the morning, Helen isn’t driving.
As you can imagine, I was a bit apprehensive once she told me she was coming. And a lot of thanks has to go to Alan Tweedly, who isn’t here right now, but will hopefully make an appearance later. I had to show him the ropes at the mill so was working with him all the time, and, as happens, we got to know each other quiet well. I explained to him that some mad, older, internet woman from Lancaster said she was coming to stay the weekend. And that I was at work on the Monday, which meant she would be alone in my house all day, should she stay that long. As you can imagine I was a bit concerned. The words of Alan Tweedly will go with me to my grave. He turned around, slowly whilst looking over cs4, and said very reassuringly, in his paisley-leeds accent “look Kev. It’s a very long way to come, just for a tv”. Well, that’s the clean version of what was said. As it was, she was still there. The tv is still there also. She brought it back when she moved in 6 months later. The day Helen left then, I arrived home to find she had sprayed as much of her body spray and perfume around the flat as she could. Bunny boiler or what! I think it was that moment, I realised how head strong she is, and that she was the woman for me.
Toast to the bride
I know this bit is a bit out of the ordinary, but I would like to raise a toast to the bride. My wife. Never before have I met such an intriguing lady. Degree educated with absolutely no common sense. She is my sole mate. My best friend and above all would certainly be my phone a friend. She has the most amazing knowledge of things that no-one should ever know. No-one under the age of 45 should be winning pub quizzes by knowing who wrote “music to watch girls by”. I guess that highlights the age gulf between us. But seriously, I think you will agree, She is looking wonderful today.
I cant say enough kind things about Helen, I would do, but I cant read her hand writing.
Helen, I love you, and I can’t wait until the kids, Leighton, McMaster, Rougvie, Cooper, McCliesh, Miller, Strachan, Simpson, Weir, McGhee, Hewitt and Black.
Anyway, Here’s to Helen. My wife.
Thanks to the ushers
Thank you also to our ushers, Mathew and Mark. Mathew and Mark have done an excellent job as ushers, especially the way they searched handbags and frisked pockets on the way into church with such discretion. I would also like to thank Ken for playing the pipes and Faye and Mark for their incredibly good readings in church. Thank you it couldn’t have been easy for you. And no, that doesn’t mean I have to do the same at yours Mark!
Helen if you could do the honours.
I would also like to thank May for arranging the flowers at the church and in here. She has done a wonderful job. We were going to get you a bouquet for your trouble, then we realised that half the flowers were missing and you had already helped yourself. Thank you any way.
Thanks also to May’s daughter Loraine for baking the cake. It looks and im sure tastes wonderful, and to David and Jean for bringing the cake all the way up from Bamber Bridge. Thank you all. Helen has something for you too, so if you hang on just a minute. Helen.
I should also thank Linda Allen for the alterations to the dresses worn by the bridal party. Again Linda isn’t with us just now, but be sure to buy her a drink later. I’d also like to thank Mary, for a wonderful service and pass on our thanks to Frances for playing the organ in church and for handling the legalities. I’d also like to thank everyone here at the Britannia for the wonderful meal and hospitality. And thank you for your bravery letting Helen loose with your posh glasses. I would also like to say a big thank you to all of you, for your generous gifts, kind words and blessings. And, of course, for joining us here on our special day. It wouldn’t be the same without you. It would have been cheaper, but it wouldn’t have been the same.
Im sure, I must have missed people out, to those I apologise.
Toast to the bridesmaids
Now it brings me to the bridesmaids. I must add how stunning they are all looking today. I’ve had a close look, but I’m sticking with Helen. They have all done a wonderful job getting Helen to the church on time, and in one piece. But I must thank Alison for christening Helen “Bridezilla”. Without that thought in my head for the past few weeks bringing a smile to my face, with every needless panic attack and tantrum, then we may not be sat here today. And thanks also to Sarah and Kat for teaching Helen how to fire a shot-gun. Thanks. A lot. And may I now hand you all a box of cartridges each as a reminder of the henny. Only joking.
To the Bridesmaid’s
Anyway, That’s just about me done. I’ve always thought this a contradiction in terms, if he’s the best man, why did she marry me? Last but not least, I would like to say a big thanks to my best man. John. Who made an absolutely perfect stag night . And thank him for all he has done today. Over to John to make an even bigger fool of me.