My wedding speech has been researched in great detail - and will probably start off badly, sag with long silences in the middle, then trail off into the half remembered ramblings of a sentimental old git! Still, here goes!
Well, that was it! The great day is half over!. Two down - one to go! - Daughters, that is! You seem to get shot of one and there always seems to be another to take her place.
My fault, though!.
Education in my day didn't cover the birds and bees, and we had three children before I realised what was causing them! Still, we can't have been bad parents, as they keep coming back to invade our life and to re-inhabit the bathroom!
Seriously though, I'm proud to have such a beautiful daughter as Samantha - the blushing bride, and I must congratulate Scott on his perception, as he must be the luckiest bloke in the whole of Wales - even if he is an Englishman!
Before I ask you all to join me in a toast to the bride and groom, I would like to bore you with a few words. I will try to keep it short, as I know that Dean - Scott's best man is really looking forward to giving you his speech -aren’t you Dean?
Being asked to be best man really is a tough job - rather like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother - it's a great honour, but no-one really wants to do it!
On the way here, while you were all looking forward to a good meal with a nice drink, all I could think of was getting up to make the Father of the Bride speech. It's amazing what you think of when you are worried! I stared at the cats- eyes in the middle of the road, and remembered about how they were invented - evidently the inventor was driving in the blackout during the war, and saw a cat coming towards him in the dark, it's eyes glowing in the headlights, and the idea came to him in a flash. If the cat had been walking away from him he would have invented the pencil - sharpener!
One of the best things about being a bloke is that weddings organise themselves! - and you get to go to the pub nearly every night, because dresses are being fitted in your house, and your as welcome as a fox in a hen-house! I would at this point like you to join me in a toast to my beautiful wife, as without her constant hard work, today would have been a shambles!
My wife - Mary!
No! - I haven't quite finished -because my next toast is to the bride and groom, which reminds me of the wedding I once went to where two of the guests were a Minister and a Priest. When the Priest was offered a drink for the toast he said, " I'll have a large whiskey, please!" When the Minister was offered the same, he said" No thanks, I'd sooner go with a Scarlet woman than touch the demon alcohol!"
The Priest promptly put his whiskey back on the tray, and said, "I didn't know there was a choice!"
Now I don't want to offend anybody, so if there's a Priest or Minister present, I apologise - and if there's a Scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
Thank you for your kind indulgence, listening to my ramblings - now all that remains is for me to ask you to join me in a special toast to my beautiful daughter -the bride and here handsome husband - the groom!
The Bride and Groom!