WEDDING SPEECH FATHER OF THE BRIDE
Good afternoon everyone as father of the bride it is my privilege to speak first at this occasion and to steal the thunder from later speakers.
Those of you who know me will know that I never have much to say and that I find speech making difficult, I had to do something for this special day, so I bought a PC, went on the internet and found a cracking speech-here it is and now I can,t read it. (show a computer disc at this point)
It seems that technology isn’t a strong subject either.
So I’ll revert to pen and paper, and hope my emotions hold out until the end.
I understand there is a book running on how long I will speak, I have a side bet through an agent of 48 minute 11 seconds.
First of all I would like to thank you all for coming today to help L and I celebrate the marriage of C and D. The party hasn’t been too bad so far for somebody on pension.
I know that most of you have travelled many miles to be here and L and I thank you, and hope you all have an enjoyable day with us.
I would like to thank all the people who have helped and provided all kinds of assistance and support to make today so special. You know who you are and you are too numerous to mention in detail but on behalf of L, myself, D and C I thank you all.
I would also like to thank the staff of K for the organisation and the meal.
As a man you realise that weddings are something that require a massive amount of organisation and planning, and you think that you are contributing. The reality is you are an innocent bystander. You are allowed to ask the odd question now and again!! As long as it isn’t “HOW MUCH”
Seriously I would like to thank the real organiser and worrier in chief. The person who kept us all in check during the planning, and found time to make and decorate the wedding cake- My wife L
I have to say a few words about my son in law C- Firstly I would like to welcome C into my family, as I know D has been welcomed into C’s
and secondly I would like to formally offer C access to my fridge.
The first time C appeared at my house I thought “I don’t like him much” he had all the things I didn’t
He was slim.
He was tall.
He was good looking, and worst of all he had hair (lots of it just like open curtains)
I even noted that he liked football.
To make conversation I said it must be great when Blues win a trophy, he said he didn’t know he’d only been a supporter for a few years,!!
As time went on I got to like C, and L and I realised that he was good for D- She needs a steadying influence-
Only don’t try control if she is carrying a flip flop You’ll end up looking skyward—you can ask D to explain later! (she hit me in the balls with one once (accidentally) while walking in Newquay, and I passed out)
D insisted that C formally ask for my permission to marry her. C made two visits to my house to ask me and failed on each occasion (I was not alone or I was asleep he said- but I think he bottled it really)
He finally asked me when I was at the top of a ladder cleaning out the gutters at Windemere road, I heard a voice at the foot of the ladder say and I quote
“Well can I marry D or what” (Strong Brummy accent here)
I said yes without realising what C had asked and when I came down the ladder he said and I quote again
“She can look around forever but she wont find anybody any better” (accent again)
Do you know what I think he’s right.
Its good to have you in the family C and I hope I can rely on you for a bit of DIY at my house (subject to a training and assessment programme)
I have some words to say about our daughter D.
L and I are always very proud of both of our girls, but we are especially proud today to see D looking so beautiful on this her very special day !!
It doesn’t seem 5 minutes since she was in the garden at Ashbourne drive, running around with no Knickers on and indulging her favourite pastime of eating cement off the house wall.
I can confirm that she is better now the habit of eating cement has gone with improved diet !!
D has always brightened our lives- by leaving all the lights on in the house
She enriched us musically- The noise from the bedroom knocked you over as you past on the way to the bathroom!!
On the subject of bathrooms- when D was at home you had to be sharp or you missed the hot water for a bath.
She was always one for a chat- usually on my phone !
She never had anything to wear- but no space in her wardrobe !
There is evidence of some of this today. She stayed at my house last night, and this morning at 7.20am the sound of Dildo blasted out of the stereo (wife interrupts and says “I think you mean Dido” I say I don’t know who it was but it was loud, she then came into our room and jumped on the bed shouting I,m getting married, then went in the bathroom and ran off all the hot water.
Despite all this D is so special to us and it is great to see her married to C
If they can cope with the removal of the concrete floor and digging down a foot in a house they had just bought then they can cope with any other trials.
It is traditional for an old hand at marriage to offer a few words of advice to novices- so D and C I give you these two for free one each.
Firstly For C- It is said that marriage only works if it is 50/50 partnership. Whoever it was that said that knew nothing about women and even less about mathematics.
Secondly for D- A perfect wife is one that occasionally helps her husband with the dishes.
Seriously now on behalf of L, myself, and everyone here I wish you both all the best for your lives together. I wish you Health, Wealth and happiness, and some children soon- but avoid July and August next year I don’t want to miss the Alps again.
I would now like to ask you all to join me in a toast to these two as they start their lives together.
Ladies and gentlemen I give you our bride and groom
D and C.
Notes D= Bride, C= Groom, L= Mother of bride