Get up mobile phone in hand – "Well thank you Vicar it is a bit inconvenient at the moment I am just about to start the speeches".
I’m afraid there’s been a bit of a hiccup in the proceedings, the vicar has just phoned to say that we have to do the registry signing all over again. It appears that Phil’s pen wouldn’t work so he borrowed the vicars. He was still having problems so the vicar said "put your weight on it" I’m afraid Sarah that you are now Mrs 12 stone 11 pounds.
I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat; …if I go on too long Dorothy has threatened to cut it.
I’ve tried to memorise this speech, which isn’t easy when you have the memory retention of a goldfish, so forgive me if resort to my notes… every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn’t stretch that far….. And neither does my eyesight
When Sarah and Phil announced that they were going to get married I asked them what that entailed for me and Sarah said that I would have to give her away. To those of you who know me well that came as a bit of a shock as I am not used to giving things away. Selling maybe but giving away I ask you. However, I did a deal with Phil…. your Wimbledon tickets for my daughter. I hope you’ll agree that he came out best.
Dorothy and I, would like to welcome , Geoff and Joan, who are Phil’s parents; all relatives and friends of both families, to this very happy occasion. There are also several people who I wish could have been here but aren’t and hopefully they are keeping an eye on proceedings from afar.
I would like to thank the beautiful bridesmaids for looking after Sarah, the vicar for a lovely service, his boss for the great improvement in the weather and the staff at the Swallow Hotel for the great food and service.
Clearly large family events like today’s don’t just happen. They take a considerable amount of hard work and organisation and it would seem an appropriate point, therefore, for me to ask you all to join me in a toast to Dorothy, as without her constant hard work, organisational skills and the N-word, today would not have been the fine occasion that it is.
My wife- Dorothy
Any excuse for a drink
It is I believe traditional to give an insight into the people whose marriage you have all just witnessed
Sarah has made a beautiful bride, but what sort of person is she
Well, for a start she isn’t environmentally friendly. She wouldn’t let us buy re-cycled toilet paper because she thought it was.
She has of course always brightened up our lives…. you never did learn to turn lights off did you.
Sarah always complained that she had nothing to wear, but managed to fill six wardrobes and most of the floor with it. Funny that now she has her own house she is really house proud ….or is that your influence Phil;?
Any way she always dressed to kill, and cooked the same way. Only joking Sarah we have had some lovely meals at your house.
We had a wedding rehearsal on Wednesday and the vicar noticed that Sarah was in some distress and so he asked her what was wrong. She said she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The vicar told her that she need only remember 3 things.
First the aisle because that is what you’ll be walking down.
Secondly, the altar because that is where you’ll arrive.
Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.
While Sarah was walking to the wedding march my family and friends were horrified to hear her mutter under her breath Aisle, Altar, Hymn (I’ll alter him)
Sarah is a lovely girl and deserves a good husband. Philip, you’re very lucky that she’s married you, before she found one.
Seriously though Philip is a great guy and a real man. You come round to my house, turn on sky sports and settle down, even raids the fridge for MY chocolate. You are also partially deaf which is a great male attribute.
Believe it or not Philip started off life as a Liverpool supporter. Can you live that down. After Derby’s dismal start to the last season I asked him what it was like to experience their first win and to watch them play exciting and attractive football. He said he didn’t know as he’d only been watching them for twenty years.
By all accounts we are lucky that Philip is here today. I have it on good authority that when he was a baby, his Mum went to the local shops and, as was the custom in those days, she left him outside in his smart pram. She bought the groceries and returned home. Sometime later, to her horror, she remembered that her baby was still outside the shop. Luckily he is here today none the worse for this experience!
I started planning this speech a month ago, …and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, So that is all from me
No! - I haven't quite finished –I am reminded of the wedding that Dorothy & I went to a few months ago where two of the guests were a Minister and a Priest. When the Priest was offered a drink for the toast he said, " I'll have a large whiskey, please!"
When the Minister was offered the same, he said" No thanks, I'd sooner go with a Scarlet woman than touch the demon alcohol!"
The Priest promptly put his whiskey back on the tray, and said, "I didn't know there was a choice!"
Now I don't want to offend anybody, so if there's a Priest or Minister present, I apologise - and if there's a Scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar after the speeches.
(Be very careful with this joke. It backfired on me. My sister-in-law who I love dearly!! was dressed all in scarlet!!)
Anyway, I would like to finish off, by giving a few words of advice, to the newly weds.
Never, never go to bed on an argument, stay up all night and fight.
and specifically to Philip who just loves my words of wisdom
You must always consider the words of Oscar Wilde, "Women are meant to be loved, not understood"
Marriage will bring to you many things, Loyalty, self restraint, obedience, a sense of fair play and a whole host of other virtues that you wouldn’t need had you remained single.
Put the seat down after you.
And remember those two invaluable words "Yes Dear"
And finally some musical advice……..At this point I played the first couple of verses of Bobby Vee’s version of "Take Good Care of My Baby" an idea a copied from the great man himself – not a dry eye in the house.
and now at long last I hear you say…. it gives me great pleasure to propose the toast of long life and happiness to Sarah and Philip
The Bride and Groom!