Speech by Michael

Speech Creator: Michael
Speech Date: 09/08/2018 16:57:05

A recent study has revealed that 66% of people in Britain are addicted to puzzles – which means at two-thirds of you must be trying to work out what on earth Claire sees in Mark.

There are a couple of things you should know about Mark – he always thinks he's right and he likes to complain/whine. This evidenced in his prolific use of the social media app Twitter.

I did some research into the tweets at Mark has put out in the last 12 months. Out of 132 tweets, 70% of them were of a negative/whiney nature.

Now if I apply that to all 5670 tweets, that means he has tweeted something negative 3969 times.

His favourite saying is “Lancashire's Jos Butler”.

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. To those of you who don't know me, my name is Michael or Lamby and I have been charged with the task of being Mark's best man and providing you with a comprehensive character assassination.

On behalf of the whole wedding party I'd like to thank Mark and Claire for inviting us all to be a part of is wonderful day. I'd also like to thank John and Mark on behalf of the bridesmaids for their kind words.

I'd like to thank my fellow groomsmen John & Stew for their help today and in organising Mark's stag. Definitely worth the suit hire fee alone.

To the bridesmaids, you all look stunning. However, only to be eclipsed by our beautiful bride. Claire, words cannot do justice to how beautiful you look today. Mark you are very lucky to have any bride sitting next to you but even luckier to have someone as beautiful as Claire.

I know that in Claire you have someone who professes total love for you, someone that has been an unfaltering pillar of strength and who has stayed at your side through thick and thin, rough the good times and the not so good times.

Her loyalty for you is unquestionable and her faith in you is endless. It's clear to me at you have both found your perfect partner and I couldn't be happier for you both. That's despite the fact her first impression of me was that I was a ‘bit of an idiot.’ And that's putting it mildly!

So about Mark and I – I'm one of his oldest friends. We first met in primary school 25 years ago and we initially became friends because both of our birthdays are the 6 December, only a year apart. It's quite apparent at during those 25 years Mark has been unable to find anyone better to do is job. A reflection of this wonderful personality.

I've got a lot to thank Mark for – It was he who introduced me to the game of cricket where we played together for 15 years. From that we have shared some amazing memories both on and off the cricket field. For example, both of us carrying a team of average players whilst winning promotion to the Premier League with Rainford. Brooky, Ravi, JJ – you know who we're on about. Or sharing our manscaping techniques. “every little helps”.  So Claire, if you've ever noticed that Mark's soldier has a looked a little bigger an normal you can thank me for at!

I'd like to take is opportunity to give a special mention to Mark's Mum and Dad, Alison and Chaos. Just a huge thank you from myself really – All those lifts to cricket, all the cricket teas you prepared, all the times I was invited to your house and for generally putting up with Mark and I! Claire, I can confidently say at you couldn't wish for a better set of in-laws. Even if one of them is affectionately known as chaos!

To use cricketing terminology, Mark plays with a pretty straight bat. Meaning that there is a limited pool of embarrassing/risque stories that I have at my disposal. When you take into account that Mark has given me specific instructions to not mention certain stories that somewhat depletes my arsenal. Plus if I soured the golden child's big day Mrs Williams would give me an almighty telling off.

Despite that my gun is loaded with 9 facts about Mark Steven Williams. I will require some audience participation and by audience, I mean Mark.

Mark is a religious man. Brought up as a member of the Roman Caolic Church. Amen. He even went as far as to volunteer at his local church as an altar boy.

Every Sunday Mark would be there at the front of church in his red gown completing his duties – giving the bread and wine to Father and ringing a little bell at the end of readings.

Fact number 1: Every Sunday morning Mark Steven Williams used to dress up in a soft silky red gown, get on his hands and knees and ring Father's bell. Now I know how you miss those days, so I ought I'd give you another opportunity to relive them. **I gave the groom a red gown to wear and a bell for the duration of my speech**

As I mentioned earlier Mark is my oldest friend – always looking out for each other. We've never let a woman get in the way of our friendship. I'd say that most people in here would think that Mark is a stand-up guy. Always sets a good example.

When I was 15, I had a very brief high school romance. Things fizzled out after she got grounded for 2 weeks and I couldn't be arsed making the effort. Ever the best friend, Mark pointed out it was for the best etc etc. Turns out at a week later, Mark got off with my ex at Assembly Bar in St Helens.  In fairness to Mark he did tell me about it…..5 years later. Yep, cheers mate. Great friend you are.

Fact number 2: he has a history of getting off with his friends’ ex girlfriends.

Fact number 3: Mark is a fan of sex in public places.

When he was captain of Rainford he stopped a game of cricket so that we could give a standing ovation to a lad who was having sex with his girlfriend near the cricket pitch. Not only that – he sent a 14 year old Matthew Bailey to field near said people so he could “get some tips”. Although this appears to run in the family. Whilst officiating a first team game, his father and league chairman, stopped a game of cricket to observe a couple doing something very similar!

The next few facts came from the hen party so thank you girls!

Fact number 4: Mark's dream job is to be a west end star. And according to Mark the Greatest Showman was ‘life changing’.

Fact number 5: Mark's favourite film is PS I Love You. However, it's now banned in their household as, and I quote Claire “he cries every time he watches it”. As the film is banned, I thought I'd get you a copy of the book so you can cry yourself to sleep at night. **I gave the groom a copy of the book**

Fact number 6: Mark finds weddings very emotional. After my wedding, Mark cried so much about the day being over that Claire had to put him in the bath and wash his hair. Obviously with the state your lids in you don't need any shampoo this time round but I've checked with room service and they've put some special bubble bath in your room just in case you get a bit teary.

I'd like to perform a quick survey amongst the men in the room.

Please raise your hand if at any point in your life you have looked at another gentleman's penis and compared it to your own? *Put hand up*

We've all done it.

Next question. Please raise your hand if at any point in your life you have ever looked at a dog's penis and compared it your own? *Turn slowly and look at groom*

I have in my hand a photo my beloved King Charles Cavalier, Harvey (may god rest his soul). For such a small dog, he had a huge willy.

One afternoon, Mark and I were at my house when Harvey strolled into e living room. Penis bouncing side to side. Drawn to Harvey's penis, Mark couldn't help but comment on it.

“Lamby, have you seen the size of Harvey's penis?! Mark asked.

“Yeah it's quite big for such a small dog.” I replied

 “Quite big?! It's bloody huge!” he said “It's bigger than mine!”

Fact numbers 7: Mark regularly looks at other men's willys

Fact number 8: Mark looks at dog's willys

Fact number 9: His willy is smaller an a 3 ft King Charles Cavalier.

Now for the next part of the speech I'd like to play a quick game – does anyone in the wedding party fancy a game of ‘I have never?’

At is point in the speech one of my fellow groomsmen came up to the front and played ‘I had never’ with some other unfortunate embarrassing stories about the groom.

Thanks Stew.

The stag. What happens on the stag stays on the stag etc etc. However what I did learn is at John ‘Granit X-Haka’ Williams is very gullible and loves a flasher mack. I also learnt that men can't dance, with the exception of Steve Lally. It was like watching a 40 year old Danny Zuko.

Now to the serious bit. Please excuse me as I'm going to read is bit off the piece of paper as I don't want to miss anything out:

Following a glittering high school career, you went to University, worked extremely hard and passed with a first class honours degree, then went on to do a master's degree and finally, a PhD in Polymer Chemistry; a fantastic accomplishment and one which everyone in here is so proud of you for.

Following your PhD, you briefly ventured into the world of the fake tan industry but took the decision at it wasn't for you. And after a difficult few months you took the plunge into the world of teaching. But true to form, even when faced with difficult challenges, you worked through them and put yourself into a career at I know you will make a complete success of.  

You have qualities at are so rare in people today;

• you have no pretentions

• no fakeness

• no airs or graces

• you inspire others

• but most importantly, you have time for people. All qualities which I know will make you a great teacher.

I would like to think that in the times when you have called upon me for help I have always been there for you and not let you down as you don't deserve anything less. I look back at some of the stuff we have done together and it makes me proud to have a friend like you. We have had some truly great times and have shared some great experiences together, memories I will never forget. I was honoured to have you as my best man at my wedding but even more honoured to be asked to be best man at yours.

Mark, you are a true friend who has taught me a lot and someone who I look up to more than you will probably ever know.

Ladies and gentlemen, it truly has been an honour delivering is speech to you, so please, be upstanding, and raise your glasses to the new Bride and Groom!