hi my names kev and I am an alcoholic. ( screw up paper and say oops sorry wrong speech)
Sorry about that I will start again . Hi my names kev and I am not an alcoholic today, instead I have the honour of being the best man at Graham and Joanne’s wedding, and make a speech to all you lucky people sitting there.
First of all I must tell you that I have been told I have a habit sometimes of talking quietly so if you cant hear me then I have a few hearing aids here which I am selling cheaply, Also I am very sorry but I will have to keep this speech short because of my throat, Joanne has threatened to cut it if I go on for to long.
Before I begin with Grahams character assassination I would like to thank the bridesmaids and ushers e.t.c. for performing all their roles so well. I think the wedding itself was excellent and it was a very emotional day for all involved,
( I MUST ADMIT I HAVE NEVER SEEN A WEDDING CAKE IN SO MANY TIERS)
Right that’s got all the jokes over with now down to the nitty gritty.
I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Graham now for more years than I can remember, and in that time we have gone through some really good times and also some really bad times, but the important thing is we have always been there for each other and always cheered each other up when it was needed.
In all the years we have known each other we have become very close friends so close in fact that we now call each other bruv.
If I’d ever had a biological bruv I know that he never would have been as great as graham is (even though he can be a bit of a pain at times).
I first met graham through his dad don who sadly passed away quite a few years ago but I know that at the moment he is looking down on graham with enormous pride and joy and I just wish that he could have met Joanne , but he's happy up there now playing pool with all the inmates and rabbi ting away to god ……… god bless you don.
Right I strayed away from the subject in hand a little bit there but back to the newly weds now, I must thank graham for picking me as best man ( BUT I SWEAR ONE DAY I WILL GET MY OWN BACK ON HIM ). Being picked to be the best man can only be likened to being asked to make love to the queen, ( IT’S A TERRIFIC HONOUR BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DO IT.)
In the years that I have known graham he has always maintained that he is a very tough macho man and is afraid of nothing. Earlier on this morning I asked him if he was in any way scared about getting married this afternoon and his reply was not at all you know me bruv.
Shortly afterwards he disappeared to the toilet, he finally came out about 25 minutes later shaking, curious to find out what had happened I went in there.
I now have a question to ask you graham. If you are such the tough macho man that you make out to be (get ready to take bricks out) then why did I find these in the bottom of the toilet bowl. ( if not much laughter ask the audience to think about that one)
Right that’s enough about graham for the moment, I think its about time I picked on Joanne now. First of all Joanne may I say that you always look lovely but, today you have excelled yourself you look every bit the part, that the gorgeous radiant blushing bride should be and more, I must admit you look absolutely stunning and your wedding dress compliments you perfectly,
(I JUST HOPE YOU WILL WEAR IT IN YOUR NEW KITCHEN AS YOU WILL BLEND IN PERFECTLY with the kitchen units) .
Sorry Jo only kidding,
I have known Joanne now for almost as long as graham has and In that time I have got to know her very well and I know that my bruv could not have picked a better woman on this planet to marry, she is a warm, generous, loving person, who has a heart of gold, and always cooks me toast for breakfast. I know how much Joanne loves Graham and he is a very lucky bloke to have met someone like her. But unfortunately all this love comes with a price.
Which is why Joanne has asked me to do her a favour today.
She has asked me to help her get rid of a few skeletons in the cupboard from her past , and now she is a married woman, today will be the best opportunity to do so. Joanne has confided in me about the 1,000 or so lovers she has had in the past, and she has told me to ask if there are any of her ex lovers in the audience today (male or female) please could you come up now and give her, her front door keys back.
Thank you gentlemen (and Lesley).
Right Joanne I think I have embarrassed you enough for one day so I will now go back to Graham for a while.
I have so many stories to tell about Graham that I could be here boring you all day with them, so I will just mention a few of the clean ones that have happened to him, like the time that me and my eldest boy spiked his cheese sandwich with maggots and he ate it with a smile, or the time that we threw his moped in a skip ( but he got his own back on that one by putting my 4 year old son in a rubbish bin in the middle of London ) he is also famous in MacDonald’s for eating 6 cheeseburgers one after the other.
Another time, round my place he met Stella for the first time, ( and I mean stella artious lager ) . I think it must have affected his brain a little because he then decided to have a shower fully clothed .
Later on that evening we went to a nightclub where he complained that the world was spinning round to fast and he was frightened of falling of it so he spent all evening clinging onto a large pole frightened to move.
Graham also has a nasty habit when he is drunk. The amount of times I have been out with him and woken up the next morning to find all the cars within a mile radius with their windscreen wipers stuck up in the air, and the road blocked of with traffic cones and diversion signs. So if you go to the car park later on and find your car with the wipers up and a big hole in the road with diversion signs around it you will know who to blame.
Right ladies and gentlemen I will be getting onto the toasts shortly but before that I have just one more subject to bring up. And that subject is
THE STAG NIGHTS.......................
As some of you know we had 2 stag nights and there is a tale to tell on both of them, coincidently both stories involve dogs ( THE FOUR LEGGED KIND) The first one was just me and Graham where we went to Majorca for a long weekend , surprisingly not much happened apart from the usual chaos but we did meet GOD though. Also we had this 6 foot Alsatian on the roof below our rooms , on one particular extremely hot day we got back to our rooms and done the usual things like throwing garlic and chilli kebabs at the dog to see who could make it be sick first . After it ate a few kebabs Graham decided to give it a drink, and instead of doing his usual stunt he decided to tie his bed sheets together and lower a bucket of water to it . That worked fine up until the second bucket when the dog got bored and decided to have a tug of war with graham, and you can guess the outcome on that one.
Now to the second stag night to which all Grahams mates came to.
(WE HAD A NICE LITTLE TABLE FOR 3 AT MACDONALDS).
We then moved on down to pub and celebrated with a few diet cokes
After about 16 diet cokes each we decided to end the evening with a few kebabs and then on to the Chinese and finally back to my place for a few more cokes followed by jelly and trifle. At About 3 o’clock in the morning after the police had finally left Graham decided to to reinact a scene from the exorsist and expel all the contents of tonight’s celebrations all over my new carpet and all over my poor little Labrador puppy. Now Graham being the thoughtful, considerate person that he is came up with a good idea ,
He got the hoover out and hoovered up all the mess.
The next morning when we finally came out of our coma we found that the place was quite clean but there was no sign of the dog. I knocked on my next door neighbours to see if he had seen him and he told me that he saw him limping down the street at about 6 AM with tears in his eyes dragging his little suitcase along with his teeth. So thank you for uppseting my puppy Graham I now have one less mouth to feed. But don’t worry I know he will be back as his tail is still in the hoover.
Thank you for putting up with me ladies and gentlemen (and Lesley)
I think it is now time that I moved on to the toasts as by now a few of you must be close to rigormortus.
First of all i would like to thank the bride and grooms parents for giving birth to two wonderfull people, and all their help in making this a memorable day.
Also I would like to thank the bridesmaids and ushers for doing a brilliant job today.
And finnaly i would like to wish Graham and Joanne all the happiness in the world.
I would like you all to now to charge your glasses and raise a toast to
The blushing newlyweds TO GRAHAM AND JOANNE