Ladies, Gentlemen and members of the jury.
Before I start, there is just one thing, Gavin, that you’ve forgotten to mention in your speech. You forgot to thank Emma, as your new wife, for letting you speak for 5 minutes without interrupting!
Right then… now, I did try to memorise this but failed miserably, and my request for an auto-cue was turned down, as apparently, the wedding budget doesn’t stretch that far, and to be fair, after a couple of beers, neither does my eyesight! So please forgive me if I resort to my notes.
I must confess that when Gavin asked me to be his best man, I was terrified about making a speech. And as the day has progressed, given the constant reminders from everybody, I feel more nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. So I thought it would be a good idea, to take the attention away from myself, not being the most confident of public speakers, by either using props, or the traditional embarrassing photographs.
The latter idea struck me well, and I asked the good people at Kilhey Court Hotel if I could borrow an overhead projector with which to provide the giggles. This was not a problem. So I asked our mum if she had any embarrassing pictures and she replied “oh, do you mean the ones where he’s showing his willy?” Now I’m very sorry Gavin, I tried my best, but no company in the UK could blow them up so that you could actually see anything… so that idea went out of the window.
Anyway… when I came out of a period of denial after being asked to be the best man, I thought I’d better look into, what exactly a best man does, other than remembering the wedding rings, getting the groom home from his stag weekend alive, and spending 5 minutes at the reception demolishing his character, which we’ll come back to in a second.
Amongst the various duties were the following...
1) Bring a chequebook or credit card for any payments that the groom had forgotten to make, which knowing Gavin will be quite a few.
2) Make sure he gets up on time, a valid point considering our “quite night in” last night.
3) Help him dress… now I’m sorry but if you can’t do that after 24 years, especially when sober!
4) Ensure the groom uses the toilet before the service, well he’d have to kick me out first!
5) Check that his face and hair are in order, the trouble being if god didn’t put them in order the first time round, what chance have I got!
6) Ensure the groom ties his shoes, has nothing between his teeth, and that his trouser fly is done up!
Now at this point, I was beginning to think that maybe our mum should’ve been best man!
I have managed to keep all his ex-girlfriends at bay… well a couple of them were so big, that we had to dock them at Liverpool.
All the rest are out celebrating by having a meal down at Chinese Delight, were Gavin proposed to Emma, and being a very popular restaurant, they had to book in advance… so they reserved a table for 2!
To summarise, it’s been my job to make sure that Gavin is something he normally isn’t – basically smart, punctual and sober!
I was presented with the problem of having to tell various funny and embarrassing stories… but what can I say about Gavin, that hasn’t already appeared in an episode of the Jerry Springer show!
It seems that all the stories I could tell you have a similar theme and I’ve been racking my brains for one that doesn’t start with “we were in the pub”, or “we’d been drinking all day”, or “I woke up with a sore head, in a Welsh mill, covered in whipped cream, wearing only a Bart Simpson bum bag!”
This wasn’t my only problem though, you see, Gavin is my younger brother, yet he is the first to marry. This is simply because I have been searching for Miss Right, which to be honest, I’m pleased to say that I’ve found. The trouble is, I soon found out that her first name was “Always”
So whatever I say now about Gavin, will I’m sure, come back to haunt me in the future, should I be crazy enough, oops I mean lucky enough, to tie the knot. Therefore, Gavin will be pleased to know that I am not going to take advantage of the endless material he has provided me with over the years, and in any case, we haven’t got all afternoon.
Instead, as tradition dictates, I will provide some good advice to the newly married couple, as they start their future life together.
I’ve been informed that you never truly find out what happiness is until you get married… and then it’s too late!
I recently heard a vicious rumour that this place is haunted, especially the honeymoon sweet. So when the other guests are woken up in the middle of the night, by the sound of moaning, screaming, and rattling chains coming from your room, you can always blame the ghosts!
You’ll find out that there are three types of sex in marriage...
1) All over the house sex
2) Bedroom sex, and
3) Hallway sex
All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. This is when you’ll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position, and for any reason.
Bedroom sex develops later, and its when sex is limited to a Saturday night in the bedroom, if your lucky, and after a few more years, this is perhaps more restricted to Christmas, Birthdays, and Anniversaries.
Hallway sex is in the latter stages of marriage. This occurs when you pass each other in the hallway and scream “screw you!”
On a serious note now, I would like to thank Gavin on behalf the bridesmaids, ushers, and the pageboy, for his kind words and gifts. I would also like to thank everybody for coming today, especially those who have travelled long distances to be with us.
Emma you look absolutely stunning, and I know you have been planning this day since you were a little girl. I can only hope that, apart from maybe this speech, everything has exceeded your expectations.
It’s ironic really, how history tends to repeat itself. Many moons ago, your Mum and Dad were sending you off to bed at night with a dummy, and now it’s happening all over again!
I think Gavin has had enough stick now. I actually started to write this speech over a week ago, and you must feel like I’ve been delivering it for the same time, so I shall bring it to an end. Plus I think my taxi is waiting outside.
I would like to finish with a poem titled “Wedded Bliss” which I wrote for my brother on his wedding day…
I can’t believe you’ve done it, after everything you said
You swore that you’d stay single, that you would never wed
So what about your promise, to always be my mate
We’ve drunk together, played together, you said that it was great.
Emma is very beautiful, of that, there is no doubt
And all the lads chat her up, when you are not about
But what about your freedom, she will change you, that’s a fact
She’ll have you washing dishes, and running round the vac
What will happen to your golf, we’ve played in sun and rain
But now that you are married, we can’t do that again
Together we’ve watched football on the Kop with all the rest
I’m sorry John but we’re UNITED, that Liverpool are the best.
Your life will now be different, but so will MY life too
So when you go to Mexico, please let me come with you
And Emma could be our caddy, or make sandwiches for us
Cos women like that sort of thing, they never make a fuss
But alas, I must accept the truth, you’re off to wedded bliss
And for me there’s nothing left, but to go out on the piss
But still I wish you luck Gavin, please forget all I’ve said
I’ll think of you when I’m golfing, and your cleaning out the shed!
It gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief, to ask you to charge your glasses and raise a toast…
May you both live as long as you like, and have all that you like, for as long as you live… Gavin and Emma.