Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen:
As you have just heard I’m the bestman, David, John’s brother
I am going to keep this speech fairly short because of my throat; Susie said that if I took the mickey out of John too much she would cut it.
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank John for those kind words and gifts. As I’m sure you will all agree, Claire, Fiona, Emma and Olivia all look absolutely beautiful and have carried out there role splendidly…. so I think a round of applause for the bridesmaids is defiantly in order.
Just before I start John’s character assassination Susie was telling me earlier in the day that her pharmacy was broken into last week…the thief apparently stole 10 boxes of condoms and 10 boxes of viagra…the police are now looking for a hardened criminal..
Next day a woman walks into the shop and asks Susie for some bottom deodorant, puzzled Susie says ‘I’m sorry we don’t sell such a thing’, ‘I beg your pardon’ says the woman I buy it from here all the time….’do you have the empty container from the last time’ enquires Susie ‘yes I do’ says the woman and she walks out to her car, then comes back in with an empty deodorant stick…’this isn’t a bottom deodorant madam, its just an normal deodorant stick’..the woman snatched it out of her hands and reads aloud ‘to apply take off lid and push up bottom.
John was born in 1975 a year when the Khmer Rouge invaded Cambodia and Saigon surrendered to the North Vietnamese, so its true what they say, these things always happen in threes.
John went to St Serfs school were he was a rather quite pupil, until of course as anyone who knows him stepped onto the football pitch, John shunned the roll of midfield or forward for the more unorthodox ‘bare knuckle boxer ‘ and ‘chief shin kicker’ role, it was a novelty for John to be on the pitch a whole 90mins never mind score goals.
John then went on to play for Prestonfield boys club and then Napier University football team.
Sadly this was to be the end of his footballing career, as this was when he discovered alcohol and woman.
After school John worked in a Saturday job at Homebase in slateford road I spoke to an old work colleague Steven who was only too happy to tell me of his time at homebase. Apparently his nickname was ‘God’ he was hardly ever seen and when he did work it was a bloody miracle.
He also tolled me that John came to work one morning looking like he had never been to bed the night before, after about an hour Johns supervisor couldn’t find him…after some investigation he found John under the duvet sleeping in a bed display in the store room so dedicated to sleep and not be disturbed, John had even drawn the curtains on the bed display.
After Homebase John went to Telford, leaving with a HND in construction management
From there he went to Napier University where he graduated with a degree in building Surveying.
John then took a year out where he travelled to Australia where he worked on the new Olympic stadium learned to surf and managed to kill one of Australia’s rarest breeds
of birds with the help of a rather large 4x4…
After returning to Edinburgh John found employment with Mpm capita and He has recently passed his RICS exams qualifying as a chartered Surveyor.
With his new professional role as a chartered surveyor this gave John more opportunity to play golf. He was recently invited to play with the Edinburgh District Master Builders golf outing and was telling me he had overheard a discussion between four golfers. As three of the golfers went up to the tee they were boasting about there sons…the first golfer said’ yes. My son is a builder and is doing so well he gave a friend a brand new house..for free, ‘well’ said the second golfer my sons owns a car dealership and he’s doing so well he gave a friend two BMWs, the third man brags ‘yes my sons a stockbroker and he recently gave a friend an entire share portfolio.’
Just as he finished the fourth man turned up on the tee, and the three golfers asked him about his son….’oh’ said the fourth man shrugging his shoulders ‘ my sons gay so I’m not totally thrilled about it…but he must be doing something right his last three boyfriends have given him a house two BMWs and a share portfolio…
The bestman as you all probably know has several duties,
Helping to make sure things run smoothly on the day….
Keeping angry ex-girlfriends away, but due to the recent foot and mouth epidemic..the government’s cull seems to have done that for me…
And from watching out for the groom on the stag do….which I may ad was Amsterdam…I was doing plenty off watching but none of it was at John. Now John has a reputation for being a bit tight and while we were in Amsterdam we saw a sign saying 30 guilders for supersex ‘god said John there’s no way I’m paying 30 guilders for a bowl of soup’. We also went to watch the blue movies..but John insisted in watching them backwards so he could see the girl giving the money to the man.
While reseching for this speech I found a quote that I thought was quite apt to Susie and my wife Gillian who is due to give birth in10 days. ‘If you love something set it free, if it comes back it was and will always be yours..if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with..if it just sits in your flat messes up your stuff eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place…you either married it or gave birth to it..But remember men are like a fine wine they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with….
On the other hand John, women to are like a fine wine..they start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
From Prestonfield boys club;
Found John to be useless in all positions…hope Susie has more luck.
From St Serfs school;
Congratulations John….you were an ideal pupil who excelled at his subject..sorry it says you were an idle pupil who was expelled from his subject.
I’m sure you’ll all agree with me that John and Susie make an absolutely beautiful and happy couple..so if you could charge your glasses and join me in a toast…to John and Susie….