Malities, malities, malities, malities. Ok that’s the formalities out of the way.
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words. I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaids look beautiful and did a brilliant job making sure that Emma went against her better judgement and showed up. I would also like to thank James for his role as usher throughout the day. You have done a great job.
Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I think we all agree that Emma looks absolutely stunning today. Mark, I think you’ve done extremely well, you’ve found someone who’s beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring. And Emma, well, you’ve got…Mark. Who said marriage has to be a partnership of equals?
Finally, can I thank you all for coming here today to share in this very special occasion – it’s amazing how far people will travel for a free meal.
I did ask for a microphone today, but I was told that one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front, should reassure you that you’re not missing anything good.
For those of you who do not know me, I’m Adam, Mark’s younger brother and best man today – well, I’ve actually been his brother all of my life. And come to think of it, I’ve been the better man all of my life.
One thing I will say about Emma is that she actually has a very good sense of humour. As she has proved today by marrying Mark.
I feel that I’ve done my duty well so far today, all things considered. I delivered a sober groom to the church on time – well he was definitely on time! I provided the rings on cue, and as I give this speech now, I don’t think I’m going to offend or embarrass anyone. But to ensure this last part, I better keep things fairly short – as I know Mark is itching to get to the bar.
I was advised not to make this speech too long, which was fine by me. In fact, I was told that a best man’s speech shouldn’t last any longer than it’s likely to take the groom to perform his husbandly duties on his wedding night – which was even better news. So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the bridge and groom.
I am actually a little nervous about doing this speech, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact that I have rehearsed it in front of a live audience at the local old people’s home,… I think it went quite well, they all pissed themselves anyway.
I purchased this book to help me prepare for this speech Hold up book
. The book mentioned 3 significant parts of today’s service.
The Aisle - the longest walk you’ll ever take.
The Alter - the place where 2 become 1
The Hymm – the song in which we celebrate the marriage
I think Emma must have been reading the same book, because when she was walking down the aisle, I’m sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle, Alter, Hymm. I’ll alter him.
I stopped myself at page 7 of the book when I read, and I quote
‘Keeping a clear, sober head throughout the wedding celebrations is key to performing well as a best man’. Throw book away
During the service today I couldn’t help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 odd years ago that Barbara and Eddie were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy…..and now it’s happening all over again
Those of us who have known Mark a long time will agree that he’s a man who really knows how to experience life. And you can imagine, as his younger brother, I’ve learned a great deal from him – I usually do the opposite of what he’s doing – it’s served me well.
I’m now going to give you a history of Mark’s life to date, and then we’ll get on to those juicy stories about him. Mark was born, went to school, got a job, met Emma and got married. Right now for those stories.
What can I say about Mark? Well he’s handsome, witty, intelligent, charming, good looking, per….per….- sorry Mark, I’m having trouble reading your writing.
When we were kids , Mark refused to speak to girls. He only liked cowboys and Indians, builders, motorbikes, the policy and the army. Well, it was good enough for the village people, so who am I to judge.
Mark’s never been known for having a particularly diverse or varied musical taste, but I am looking forward to the disco later on, when they could be playing absolutely anything by David Bowie.
Music is Marks life and….. wait for it… he has certainly hit the right note with Emma.
Mark met Emma when they worked together at Prestige Pine. It is the first and only time that I have known Mark to bring work home with him and work overtime.
I don’t know where Mark took Emma on their first date. He hinted it was an expensive restaurant but wants to keep it a secret so the place remains special only to them. All I know is that he wooed Emma that night with the immortal line,
‘If you were on the menu here, you’d be a McGorgeous!’
Since getting a place together Emma has put a lot of effort in making their new home comfortable, while Mark has been wearing in his stool at The Bell Inn.
Marks favourite film is the 1986 blockbuster Labyrinth, starring David Bowie. The film involves a complicated maze which is known as the Labyrinth. I was thinking about this and a maze is actually very similar to a marriage. They both involve lots of obstacles to challenge, different directions, and puzzles to solve.
Emma’s favorite films are The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Again, this shares a resemblance with marriage. In the Lord of The Rings you have three films all centering about the importance of a ring. And in a marriage you have three important rings involved throughout the process.
Firstly, the engagement ring
Secondly, the wedding ring
And finally, all the god damn suffering
A happy marriage is a relationship, where one person will always be right, and the other is the husband.
In order for you to live a happy marriage I feel I must share some advice with you. It’s a two rule system.
Rule one: The wife is always right
Rule two: When the wife is wrong, refer to rule one.
It never fails.
One of my last duties before I toast the happy couple is to read a few cards.
I hope Mark and Emma enjoy their Honeymoon in North Wales, I presume that is where they are going, as I overheard Mark talking to his mates saying that after the wedding he’s going to BANGOR for 14 days.
Before I toast the happy couple and get a well-earned drink, let me just say that despite the magnificent way I have delivered this speech, I am not a professional and did it for nothing – and I’m sure you’ll agree, it was worth every penny.
On a more serious note Mark, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great brother to me over the years, and it has been a great honour to have been your best man today.
I am going to leave you with a poem.
Today is a day you will always remember
The greatest in anyone’s life
You’ll start off the day just two people in love
And end it as Husband and Wife
It’s a brand new beginning, the start of a journey
With moments to cherish and treasure
And although there’ll be times when you both disagree
These will surely be outweighed by pleasure
You’ll have heard many words of advice in the past
When the secrets of marriage were spoken
But you know that the answers lie hidden inside
Where the bond of true love lies unbroken
So live happy forever as lovers and friends
It’s the dawn of a new life for you
As you stand there together with love in your eyes
From the moment you whisper ‘I do’
And with luck, all your hopes, and your dreams can be real
May success find its way to your hearts
Tomorrow can bring you the greatest of joys
By today is the day it all starts.
I would like to say best of luck to the two of you, I really am delighted for the both of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together.
Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s been an emotional day,………. even the cake is in tiers.
It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Kopinski… To Mark and Emma.
Thank you and enjoy the rest of your day.