51 Hilarious Quotes on Love and Marriage That You Will Want in Your Wedding Speech

Spice up your wedding speeches with some seriously funny quotes that will have your guests crying with laughter and envying your humour


Quotes about love and marriage tend to be very romantic and sometimes a bit soppy. If you are a couple who breaks the wedding rules and likes to laugh and joke all the time, then these super-funy quotes and sayings are the perfect things for you to include in your wedding speech or even on your save the date cards. 

Even if it is just inspiration for your relationship, you are going to love these!

51 Funny Quotes About Love & Marriage

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

marriage is like a car battery

"My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."

murder vs divorce quote

"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them."

a person who never forgets anniversaries quote

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life"

annoying in marriage

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."

new car or new wife quote

"If you love 'em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; If you love 'em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you're in love."

if you love 'em in the morning quote

"A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal."

better deal quote

"My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way."

dressed to kill

"Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn't show up on X-Rays, But you know it's there."love is like a backache quote

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops" 

if i let go, she shops quote

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."

a guy knows hes in love quote

"Some mornings I wake up grouchy. And some mornings I just let him sleep."

grouchy quote

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."

deaf husband blind wife

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake."

fat kid loves cake

"I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff."

need kitchen stuff quote

"What's the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday."

get married on his birthday quote

"An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband."

ideal wife and ideal husband quote

"Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

looks fade quote

"The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button."

pause live tv quote

"Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours ain't."

the neighbours gate quote

"Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets."

catch her in my pockets quote

"Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurassic Park."

a walk in jurassic park

"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."

hair extensions quote

"Husbands and wives are so irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?"

misplacing our socks quote

"Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other's minimum daily requirements."

marriage is like vitamins quote

"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status."

you may now change your Facebook status quote

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question."

if love is the answer quote

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit."

bicycle repair kit

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it."

do you have to do so much of it quote

"We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better and she couldn't have done worse."

she couldn't have done worse quote

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."

surprised women quote

"There are only three things women need in life: Food, water and compliments."

three things

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."

too old quote

"Love is the same as like, except you feel sexier."

love and like quote

"To keep your marriage brimming; With love in the loving cup... Whenever you're wrong admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

shut up quote

"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake."

brilliant pancake quote

"You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!!!"

husband quote

"Love is sharing your popcorn."

sharing your popcorn quote

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

outlasts milk quote

"The most important four words for a successful marriage: I'll do the dishes."

i'll do the dishes

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

judge and jury quote

"My wife is a psychologist... Not only does she know when I'm being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I'm being."

jerk quote

"A kiss without a moustache is like an egg without salt."

moustache kiss

"Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it's because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner - just so they can have the last word."

the last qord quote

"No please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!"

simpsons quote eat me

"She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry."

mysterious force quote

"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

game of chess

"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."

no reason quote

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to persuade my wife to marry me."

winston churchill

"Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; Marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out."

carry out the trash

"When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."

two and a half days quote

These hillariously funny quotes are the perfect inspiraton for some seriously funny wedding photographs, and could even challenge the likes of these tried and tested best man jokes



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