PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

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  • Posted: 3 May 2019 12:57

    PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    Hi everyone, 

    I am really stressing out over this so any advice is appreciated. 

    I am getting married in 2 years. My parents have been divorced for around 10 years, Mum has since remarried. I told my Mum last week that my Dad is coming to the wedding, and now she is not coming (they really don’t get on). 

    My Mum is my best friend and I would be miserable on my own wedding day if she wasn’t there – I don’t really want to do it at all without her being entirely honest. My Mum has done everything for me and my brother so I understand to a degree why she said she won’t go with Dad there, whereas Dad has never really been a parent and he has done some not very nice things in the past. Dad and I aren’t super close because of it, but despite this, I still think of him as family, so I would feel really guilty if I told him not to come. Especially now that I’ve allowed him to believe this last year that he and his partner will be coming - which I realise now is a mistake - so telling him he actually can’t go is going to be terrible no matter how I do it. I even foolishly gave him a Save The Date because to be entirely honest, I didn’t think this situation was going to happen. 

    I’m looking for some advice as to how I go about doing it. I was thinking either letter or e-mail (I know it’s cowardly but I’m scared to do it to his face because I know he will get upset that I’ve mislead him, and I don’t want to fall out with him). The ceremony is happening abroad and then we are having a massive party back home in the UK, so I was thinking Mum could come abroad with us and then Dad could go to the UK party instead, and I was thinking of asking him to do a toast. At least they would both involved in the celebrations in some way, and then my Mum can be with me for the main event which is what I want.   

    Before anyone says “it’s your day and they just have to see each other” I get that but unfortunately, it’s been made clear that it won’t happen, it’s either one or the other and as much as I love my Dad, I can’t bear the thought of not being with my Mum on my special day.   

    Thank you for any advice!!

  • Posted: 11 May 2019 21:16

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    I'm sorry, you need to tell your mum that she needs to suck it up, it isn't fair of her to play you like this. We've had a similar thing with my fiance's mum - she's not said she won't come, but keeps bringing up how she doesn't want to see his dad and how stressed it's making her. 

    End of the day, they are both your parents, both grown ups, and it is one day. She doesn't even have to talk to your dad.

    Sorry to come across as ranty, but I've been so mad at how my fiance has been put in this position, I'm so sorry that you feel that you have to choose, because it's really not fair on you. X

  • Posted: 12 May 2019 9:59

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    i'm sorry but you mom is in the wrong here... I have a similar dynamic in my family and my mom would never dream of telling me he couldn't come (I myself don't care if he comes but its MY wedding and MY choice)

    are you really defending a woman who is so petty she would willingly screw over her own daughter on her wedding day to make a statement to an ex? your mother isn't caring about you or this awful situation she putting you in and honestly its a disgusting thing for her pull

  • Posted: 14 May 2019 15:16

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    I have literally just been through the exact same scenario! It's not just as easy as telling mum to suck it up.

    I am in almost the same position and my mum is also supporting us by paying a large part of the day and whilst that doesn't give her the right to make demands I do respect that we wouldn't be doing this without her.

    My dad is an ex alcoholic and whilst he is harmless nowadays years of drinking has made him a rather different character. He thinks he was the best dad in the world and I have an entirely different childhood memory! Unfortunately I have huge fears that he would also embarrass me.

    I told him on the weekend that we unfortunately couldn't invite him to the day, but we are legally tying the knot the next day with my sister and her boyfriend for witnesses. I have invited him to that. So a sort of similar set up to your suggestion! 

    If he was attending, I wouldn't have him giving me away, doing a speech or a dance. I just don't see him that way and I just dont want the stress of wondering what the hell he is up to on the day!

    ultimately you have to do what you feel is right for you.

  • Posted: 15 May 2019 22:29

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    Please don't do anything yet.  Your mum is completely out of order and you have another 2 years to sort this out.

    She should not be able to have your fathers invite rescinded.  Hopefully she will realise this before too much damage is done.  

    If it comes to it just be totally honest with your dad and tell him what she's done.  For all you know this kind of behaviour on her part could have been a factor in them divorcing originally.

  • Posted: 17 May 2019 10:57

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    I don’t think it’s fair of any of us to say that the mum is in the wrong here. We have no idea of the hurt, pain, worry and stress that the father may have put her through and maybe seeing him again will bring all of that back. I would explain to your dad how your mum is feeling and say that you will see your dad and his partner either before or after your wedding. 

  • Posted: 17 May 2019 15:48

    Re: PLEASE HELP!! How to tell Dad he can't come

    she putting her ex-relationship above her child, she is willing to not come to her daughters wedding if she doesn't get her own way... yes shes wrong and theres no excuses

     

    I don't care how much I hate someone I would never screw my child over, the mother picked him to have kids with and she doesn't get to weaponize her child out of hate - its literally abusive

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