Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

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  • Posted: 29 May 2018 0:32

    Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

    Hi all,

    I have only just set the date for my wedding (less than 4 months) away but am starting to feel quite anxious about the guests. My future brother in law hates me. He always has done since we first met. He has gone from ignoring me, to being rude to me to being aggressive around me. He is my partner's only immediate family so OH wants him there. I am so worried he is going to say something and ruin our day ( he isn' the best man so no speech). Additionally 2 of my OHs oldest friends have said negative things about me and do not think he should marry me (one thinks OHs ex of 8 years ago was his 'real' love). I am really panicking about being surrounded by people who hate / don't like me on my wedding day. My OH really wants then all to be there so I just need a way of coping / dealing with it. Does anyone have any tips from personal experience?


  • Posted: 29 May 2018 16:10

    Re: Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding


    I'm sorry to hear that, that sounds stressful! 

    Firstly, I would speak to your OH first (if you haven't already), and ask him if he has noticed anything odd about his brother's behaviour towards you - he may not have noticed anything, so have examples to explain it. Maybe his brother is like that with everyone? Explain your concerns, but make it clear that you aren't trying to stop his brother from attending the wedding. However I think it is important to address this before you marry into the family!

    If your OH doesn't have a clue, why not try and have a chat with his brother yourself. Explain, calmly, that you aren't sure what you have done, and ask him if he would mind explaining why he seems to have taken a dislike to you. 

    Regarding the friends, that's not cool. I'd be fuming if I was compared to my fiance's ex! You have to remember that they aren't together for a reason, and he has chosen to marry you. Have a chat with your OH, and hopefully he should reassure you - maybe they made a thoughtless joke that didn't come off? 

    If they continue to be rude, I think you're within your rights to at least ask your OH to have a word and tell them to be on their best behaviour from now on. If they still make snide comments, I would ask for them to be removed from the guest list, if they aren't even going to respect your OH's request. 

    Obviously we are only getting one side of the story - I'm assuming you've made attempts to get to know all these people? Have you and your OH been together a long time? If not, they may simply want reassurance that you aren't going to hurt their friend. If you have, then maybe they need to get their head out of the past. 

    Try to stay calm and reasonable throughout all of your conversations with your OH and the others - and remember, that's only 3 people at your wedding. Surround yourself with other friends and family that love you, and you'll barely even notice them! Worst case scenario, speak to a couple of friends that you trust to remain cool and ask them to keep an eye out for any trouble from them, so that you don't have to think about it. 

    In my experience though, people are usually on their best behaviour for weddings!

    Good luck!

  • Posted: 29 May 2018 16:32

    Re: Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

    Thank you so much for your response. Such calm and reasonable advice - really helped with the panic that has been settling in.

    OH and I have been together for 3 years. The ex has been a sore point from the beginning but we are both definitely over that. I am pretty sure it was a tasteless joke on the friends part (suggesting OH take my engagement ring and give it to her) as before that we all had a pretty good friendship (I thought). 

    The issue with the brother is the biggest worry but I think I will ask someone to keep an eye on him. He is known for his behaviour but he has taken a particular dislike to me and has vocalised this on more than one occasion. 

    You are absolutely right in that I will be surrounded by so many people who love us both, that will hopefully outshine any negativity.

    Thank you!

  • Posted: 30 May 2018 8:47

    Re: Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

    Ahh, I'm glad I was able to help lovely. 

    Ex's are a pain in the butt aren't they?! My chap's ex is still on the scene as part of their shared friendship group, and whilst we're civil (I'm on a hen do with her in a couple of months Surprise), I'd be much more comfortable if she wasn't around, so I totally feel your pain! It sounds like a very tasteless joke. Maybe let it slide this time, but if you all got on fine before and they say something again, maybe just have a quiet word.

    Regarding the brother, you said that he was your OH's only close family? So the brother could just be jealous of you - maybe he feels that once you're married, his brother will be further away from him, especially if he himself isn't married or in a serious relationship? That might explain why his behaviour has escalated closer to the wedding. You may find if he gets into a relationship, or realises that you guys being married doesn't affect him seeing his brother, he'll come round. 

    I think getting someone to keep an eye on him is a good idea, that way you can relax. But I'm sure, for your OH's sake if nothing else, he'll mind his behaviour on the day.

    Try and relax and enjoy the last few months of wedding prep (probably easier said than done!), you have so much ahead to look forward to.

    Best of luck! X


  • Posted: 2 Jun 2018 1:17

    Re: Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

    There are certain circumstances where an overseas wedding can be helpful, eg just the two of you on a holiday.  You may find it less stressful to just go away and marry on a beach.

  • Posted: 14 Jun 2018 0:13

    Re: Surrounded by people who hate me at wedding

    Thanks for the tip Paula. This would definitely be one of those times! But OH wants to be married in his local church and I agreed (one of the negotiation points).

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