Not the wedding i want

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  • Posted: 17 Mar 2019 3:07

    Not the wedding i want

    As a wedding and events planner i have done so many over the years and have loved making peoples special days become reality.

    Im getting married in october its booked for the day before my 40th birthday but its not the wedding i truely want.

    When i got married first time aged 19 we had a registry office and none of my family came which has hurt me for years.

    My partner and i decided to get married and he knew the type of wedding i wanted although my Dad has passed away and didnt get chance to walk me down the aisle i was going to get my mum to do it.

    I made a guest list , venue etc etc and my partner who has been married twice before jist wants us two and two witnesses one being my mum and the other a friend at the local registry office which is horrible.

    I know its about us marrying each other but both his other weddings were in church, he knew i wanted this but he said he just wants it simple and over and done with so ive booked it but not given notice yet but really feel unhappy, i wanted the dress, flowers, reception and photos, he doesnt even want any photos taken its like he is ashamed and he doesnt want anyone to know we are doing it but i have told a few people and sworn them to secrecy they want to come and they cant.

    I wrote to a couple friends telling them swearing them to secrecy and i trust them and they havr been supportive but a couple other say its a shame and feel like its a personal snub they wont be there.

    My mum says we are doing it right but no i feel unhappy my partner hasnt evem bought me an engagement ring and doesnt care if we have wedding rings or not, it seems like he has no feeling for it or me at all.

    When i talk to him about it he just changes the subject maybe deep down he is hoping i cancel it.

    He says he loves me but just doeant want to be centre of attention , i dont like being centre of attention either but i know my family would come to this wedding but looks like it will be both they are missing.

    I suppose i sound selfish but i want our close ones sharing our special day and to have photos etc , to me it may as well not happen if he doesnt even want photos taken .

    Sorry to go on but its making me doubt my whole relationship completely it feels so cold the way he wants to do it.

  • Posted: 18 Mar 2019 15:45

    Re: Not the wedding i want

    I can understand him not wanting a big affair if he has had big church weddings twice previously, but there are many ways to compromise between a massive do, and a 2+2 ceremony.

    You could still do a registry office, but a smaller room for 20-30 people, then just arrange for a meal in a hotel nearby. That way, you can still have your dress, and your mum walking you in, but it's not a massive do that is going to cost a fortune and have loads of people that one of you doesn't know there. 

    Of course it is about the marriage, but I know I wouldn't be happy with a hushed up, no frills ceremony. I would sit him down again and try to reason with him. Marriage is about compromise, and if he is completely unwilling to do this, then maybe you are right to question your relationship.

    That said, if he's had the big lavish do twice before, but it hasn't worked out, and you've also been married before, maybe he is just very cynical about it all! 

    I would talk to him though. Without wanting to make you paranoid, his behaviour would make me wonder if something was fishy - could he have some sort of money trouble that he hasn't told you about? A friend of my H2B found out that her fiance was up to his eyeballs in debt a couple of months before their wedding. She still married him and they sorted it, but that's definitely the kind of thing you want to know about in advance. 

    Regarding the photographer, ask him why not? There are lots of photographers who specialise in small, intimate weddings, and it's not every day you get all dressed up and celebrate your love, so why wouldn't he want to capture that? 

    Good luck! X

  • Posted: 31 Mar 2019 11:05

    Re: Not the wedding i want

    I have been married before, 29 years ago, big white wedding in church. My fiance has never been married. He's super shy and hates being the centre of attention, so we have decided to go abroad, just the two of us. We are marrying in Sorrento in just over 6 weeks time. This way, we have our special day without him feeling stressed by the attention, but we are still having all the wedding bits, I have a wedding gown, he's bought a suit, we're having photos, even though neither of us like to have our picture taken, hopefully the beautiful scenery will help on that score! We have musicians booked for the ceremony, wedding car, flowers, and the Italian wedding planners are supplying the witnesses. This makes our day just for us, family have been very understanding and we will take them all out for a meal when we get back.  For us, this is the perfect way to get married and still make an event of it, as we really didn't want to go to the local registry office.  Plus we then get a honeymoon straight afterwards!

    Maybe delay your wedding a little and consider suggesting something abroad? There are many beautiful places and it doesn't have to cost a fortune. Or maybe a romantic elopement to Gretna Green? One of my best friends did that a couple of years ago, second marriages for both of them, they went with just their children from their previous relationships. The bride was desperate not to have a big do, she hates being in the limelight.

    Hope you manage to sort something out that you will be happy with xx

  • Posted: 1 Apr 2019 23:24

    Re: Not the wedding i want

    Sorry to jump on the thread, although Sorrento is a fantastic place which we frequent a lot. Simply love the whole area........If you have time, do go to L'antico trattoria.......a great culinary experience....ask for a table out the back.....



  • Posted: 5 Apr 2019 19:13

    Re: Not the wedding i want

    I think a compromise is needed, I guess you want what you never had and hes scared because hes done the big thing twice and it failed both times (the bigger/more expensive the wedding the higher chance of divorce according to stats)

    maybe a good option is a simple more intimate wedding, example:

    the registry office with only close family or friends (in Darlington they have a registry conservatory made of glass filled with flowers for intimate ceremonies with only 8 guests for £95, maybe there's something similar near you so registry offices hold 24 guest so small but enough for the key people)

    then maybe find a nice pub or restaurant for something like afternoon tea (always a classy choice) afterward with you handful of guests

    of course get a dress (it doesn't need to be a £2000 custom ball gown but there are loads of cute casual wedding dresses, try looking at ASOS or lindybop for example)

    get yourself a ring but if he doesn't wear jewelry then you cant make him (my FIL doesn't wear a ring and I never noticed until MIL told me she sold it to by herself more jewellery)

    add/remove extras as you agree - so maybe 2 hour booking of a photographer to capture the ceremony and outtakes of the meal but no dancing/speeches/overly posed photos etc...

    there no reason it should make him self conscious if it just you and your closet love ones, it doesn't have to cost a lot (everything I suggested could be done under £1000) but it has all the sentiment of having those important people there and special memories

  • Posted: 7 Apr 2019 18:05

    Re: Not the wedding i want


    Sorry to jump on the thread, although Sorrento is a fantastic place which we frequent a lot. Simply love the whole area........If you have time, do go to L'antico trattoria.......a great culinary experience....ask for a table out the back.....



    Oh my goodness, L'antico Trattoria is the exact restaurant our wedding planners have suggested we go to after the ceremony! Good to know you recommend it! :)



  • Posted: 8 Apr 2019 11:05

    Re: Not the wedding i want


    As a fellow wedding coordinator i now it is had to plan your own wedding as seen so many over the years.

    With regards to your problem I feel really sorry for you and how you are feeling, this is just my personal view but your partner does not seem to be listening to what you want, yes it is a partnership but you should be 50 50 if you want to get married and spend your lives together. 

    If somthing doesnt feel right then maybe it isnt...

    I am not saying he should have to have a big wedding and go all out but if it would make you happy to have a wedding where your close friends and family attend (maybe a civil cermony then just the wedding breakfast) some photos (maybe have a friend have them) wedding rings (this seems a simple thing to ask for) as for the engagment ring it does not have to be expensive but i personal think this is a nice thing to have..

    I wonder how he proposed? Was it just desided that you would get married? Did he feel like he should ask due to any peer pressure (your freinds or family) ?

    Do what feels right in your gut! Only you know if you will be happy in the long run. TALK to your partner!!!

    Good luck


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