My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

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  • Posted: 4 Jul 2018 14:33

    My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    I had to organise my own hen do this spring because when I tried to delegate things to my MOH she would just not get anything done, or she'd bombard me with messages with suggestions instead of making the decisions herself. So basically, I ended up doing everything myself because it was just a lot easier rather than waiting for her to do what I'd asked her to do. I had to cancel my initial plans because a few girls pulled out and it would have cost the rest of us too much, so I redid the plans with the help of one of my bridesmaids and we had a lovely hen weekend last month with the local girls.


    However, all this time I had planned and organised a separate hen do for this month in a different part of the country for a totally separate group of friends. I messaged these girls this week about the remaining balance and this morning my MOH messaged me to say that she'd booked that weekend for something else because she thought I'd cancelled the hen do! There were only five of us going, now four without her, but I've already paid a £90 deposit and my bridesmaid is actually flying to meet me for the hen do so she's booked her flights. I genuinely don't know what to do now. I know we're all busy adults and we have busy lives, but I've actually done all of the organising so all she has to do is turn up!

  • Posted: 4 Jul 2018 17:54

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    Do the right thing and be a good friend and ask her what's going on in her life. Sounds like she's going through something and isn't her usual self. She probably feels she can't tell you because you're so caught up in the wedding plans. 

  • Posted: 6 Jul 2018 9:22

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    I'm a bit confused - you organised a hen do last month - did your MOH go to that, or was she invited? If she went to that, I can see why she thought the weekend was free and booked something in. If she wasn't invited, frankly if it was be, I'd be annoyed at not at least having the option to go! I'm a bridesmaid this year, and I'd be upset if the bride arranged a hen do for herself and didn't invite me - I'd question why she'd asked me to be her bridesmaid! Did you make it clear that you were still planning something on the original weekend as well, and give her the option of attending either?

    If she's booked something and it can't be changed/rearranged, then go ahead and have your second hen do without her, but 2 weekends away is a lot of time (and money!) for people to commit to one persons hen do, even if they are a bridesmaid. 

    I've got 6 BM's for my wedding next year, but 1 lives in the USA, 2 have just had babies, and 1 is in the middle of her own wedding plans, so I've delegated my hen organising to the 2 with less commitments, and the others will help out with what they can. Why weren't your other bridesmaid(s) helping her out? Some people are just naturally bad at organising!

    Anyway, as the poster above said, I'd have a chat with her and make sure everything is ok with her, and if she can't make it, she can't make it. If she is otherwise a good friend - which I'm assuming she is if she is MOH - it's not worth falling out over. 

    Hope that helps!

  • Posted: 8 Jul 2018 20:34

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    If it was a matter of cost I'd totally understand but it's not. My first hen do was based at my house so I shouldered most of the cost by providing food etc. We went out for a cocktail class and dinner which was £35 per head. My second hen do was organised for a different group of people in a different part of the country, funnily enough this hen do is super close to my MOH, she actually travelled a few hours to my first one but this other one is at ther doorstep. I'm hosting everyone at a flat we own so again the cost is very cheap, and we're doing cocktails and dinner which works out at £50 per head, which I don't think is unreasonable. The MOH herself had 4 hen dos when she got married, two of which were abroad. 


    She got completely mixed up thinking that the one we had last month was supposed to be the one we have next weekend, but she was actually joking to my bridesmaid that the other hen do won't be quite as alcoholic, so she was fully aware of it a few weeks' ago. I chose her as my MOH becau

    se she knows both of me and my husband-to-be and is  good friends with both of us. Also I'm not local to the place where we're getting married whereas she is, so I thought it was important to have someone who could help coordinate things from that part of the country. It worked well initially when we organised our engagement party but recently she's been difficult to get hold of and she said she's really busy with her baby niece and work. I understand all that but at the same time I'm very busy with work and I'm organising a wedding. My parents live abroad so they can't really help me with anything, my other half is helpful but he works 14 hour days running his own business and he's actually paying for the wedding so I try not to add to the stress too much. I don't feel like I'm asking my MOH to do too much but she doesn't seem to be on the ball when we only have 3.5 weeks to go. It worries me. Now she's told me she can't make it to my final makeup trial which is two days before the wedding. She's normally quite flexible with her shifts so I thought she could help me in the last few days before the wedding but looks like she can't. 

  • Posted: 9 Jul 2018 14:10

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    She had 4 hen dos?! That seems excessive! What is it that you need her to help with? I was a MOH and only thing I had to do was organise the hen do and turn up on the day. That's all I would ever expect from a MOH too. Bride did want me to attend hair and make up trials but I never went as she lived over 180 miles away so I wasn't going all that way just for hair and make up trials and as I told her I couldn't care less about my hair and make up so I didn't want her wasting money getting mine done twice. It would've taken up my whole weekend getting there and back and I was t prepared to give up my precious free time just for that. 

  • Posted: 9 Jul 2018 19:09

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    Well, we actually had a plan to do some small flower arrangements ourselves (she did some for her own wedding and is really handy with flowers) so I asked her to save some jam jars for the arrangements. She did some flower arrangements and ordered cupcakes for our engagement party, which I organised otherwise. 

    She attended one of my dress fittings because she didn't get a chance to come dress shopping with me due to the distance (we drove her down, she got the train up). I asked her to help me organise my hen do, I ended up doing it all by myself and then, later on, I asked her if she'd prefer my bridesmaid to take over some of the organising, which she was happy to do. She bought items for our hen party bags (which I reimbursed) and brought them to the hen do. 


    She's a really capable professional woman, she was there for me and my fiance when we suddenly lost our beloved dog and I thought we had this really strong bond. I've just spoken to my bridesmaid who's a very old friend of mine and she is equally baffled about all of this. My BM said that I haven't given anyone any unreasonable tasks or been particularly demanding. What I mainly need is just emotional support the day before and on the day, and just confidence that I can rely on the people around me if I suddenly need their help. 

    The latest note is that she has actually said she'd prefer to come in as a guest rather than MOH because she's not able to support me before the wedding. This is really unlike her so I think there's something else going on.


  • Posted: 9 Jul 2018 19:43

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    I have to be honest and say I hated being a MOH and would much preferred to have been a guest. I wasn't at all comfortable with it and I tried really hard to get out of it when my friend asked me but she told me I was being silly and that I would be fine. To make matters worse I fell outside the church then fainted at the alter so I was in agony all day! I felt like my friend changed when she was a bride. Normally she's a really laid back chilled out person but she works text the other bridesmaid and I telling us where we had to be and what times for dress fittings. There was never any: Does that time suit? Can you make it?  I feel like being her MOH changed our friendship and not for the better. I think she thought I was being stroppy and difficult a lot of the time which maybe I was being but I thought she was being demanding! It's hard when you work full time trying to cram everything in to your only 2 days off at the weekend and I did resent having to give up my free time for her and her wedding. I had to stay away for 2 nights for both the hen night and the wedding and drive home with a sore ankle from when I fell at the wedding! Not an enjoyable experience at all but it's hard to get out if being a bridesmaid once you've said yes and even when you've tried to say no! Try not to lose the plot with her. If she's a good friend you'll work it out between the 2 of you. A wedding is only 1 day, a friendship lasts a life time. It's not the end of the world if she only comes as a guest, is it? Would you not rather she was happy and comfortable? 

  • Posted: 9 Jul 2018 22:16

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    I can understand that being a MOH is not everyone's cup of tea. It's unfortunate that you felt forced to do it and you didn't enjoy it. When I asked my (potentially now ex) MOH to fulfill this role she was very excited. She was a bit nervous but she was still full of excitement and bursting with ideas. I'm quite an organised person so I reassured her that I'd do most of the work and I'd need her input on a few small tasks. I've explained what happened with my hen do. It was unfortunate but I was prepared to move past it. What I did say to her was that her non-attendance made me upset because I'd planned this event over a year ago, we talked about it just a month ago and we were all on track. So now in the space of a month, she's forgotten!


    The girls have chosen their own dresses and ordered them online (I've paid for them). I haven't asked them to attend any fittings, they came for one of my dress fittings but this was a time that we all mutually agreed was suitable for everyone. I've bought the girls earrings and dressing gowns, I'm paying for their hotel stay etc. I really do not believe I've expected anything unreasonable from anyone. I didn't force her to come to my hen do, which was further away from her. This other gathering she's not attending was booked over a  year ago and she agreed to attend it then, again it's local to her and the cost is £50. If she'd said she can't afford it I'd have understood. 


    I don't understand how someone can turn around three weeks before the wedding to say " I can't be there for you on your wedding day" or " I can't meet your needs" when all I've asked for is friendship and emotional support. All I need from the girls is to keep me calm, keep things organised and be there for me on the day.

  • Posted: 9 Jul 2018 22:27

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    It sounds to me like there's something else going on.

  • Posted: 10 Jul 2018 10:30

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    From what you've said now, it doesn't sound like you have been unreasonable - I was a bit confused previously when you said about having two hen weekends, but it sounds like both were reasonably priced, and if you haven't insisted on her attending the one that was further away, then fair enough! 

    I do think you are right to feel upset that she hasn't contributed any ideas to planning a hen do, although I do also feel that there is a lot of pressure on the MOH to sort the whole thing - I'm being a bridesmaid this year, and me and the other BM have been fully involved in helping the MOH plan and book things. But that isn't something I would expect the bride to have asked, it's just something you do! 

    I think she must have something going on - maybe arrange to meet for a drink and spend some quality time together, ban wedding talk and find out what's going on with her. If she is still adamant she would rather just be a guest then letter. Like you said, you want people on the day that will help you organise and chill, and you won't be relaxed if you're wondering how she's going to be. 

    But definitely have a bit of quality time with her before you confirm anything. 

  • Posted: 15 Jul 2018 22:22

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    It's official, my ex- MOH has resigned from her position. I offered to talk to her, tried to smooth things over, tried to defend her and say she must have something else going on but this is really non-salvageable. She said some pretty horrible things about me, saying that I was being selfish, rude, demanding and that the only people who should be excited about the wedding should be my fiance and me. She said she doesn't know me (after being friends for 7 years) and that I don't know her and she doesn't want to be MOH for someone she doesn't know. A few months ago she shared intimate details about issues that she and her husband were having so I don't know why she'd do that with someone she doesn't know. 

    She and her BFF argue and fall out all the time, but make up just as quickly, whereas our situation has been going on for nearly two weeks now. I explained to her how I felt, she's told me I'm a horrible person and she doesn't want to be my friend. That's it. I've paid for her dress, jewellery, and other extras. We've booked a room for her and her husband at our wedding hotel, which I'm going to cancel. She was supposed to sign our marriage schedule but now I'm trying to change it. 


    I honestly thought she'd message me to say that it's all been a big misunderstanding and everything is fine now, but this has gone way too far. I don't need friends in my life that try to upset me three weeks before our wedding, try to cause a rift between me and my fiance and signs off from a 7-year friendship after I've been honest with her. She is still coming to the wedding, I've moved her from the bridesmaids' table to another table (she knows people on that table, I'm not a horrible person). I will not try to speak to her at the wedding and hopefully she'll have enough sense to be grateful that she's still invited! None of us understand why she is doing this, everyone I've spoken to (bridesmaids, my fiance's sister) is completely baffled by this. I just don't understand how someone can do this three weeks before their friends' wedding.

    It won't stop us from having the best day ever! 

  • Posted: 16 Jul 2018 14:13

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    Wow, I'm honestly impressed that you are still inviting her! If someone spoke to me like that, they would be dropped quicker than a hot potato (in fact I'm actually hoping some people do, I could do with getting numbers down!).

    Maybe get your other bridesmaids and ushers/groomsmen to be on stand by in case she kicks off? 

    A few months ago she shared intimate details about issues that she and her husband were having so I don't know why she'd do that with someone she doesn't know. 

    This could be the underlying cause for her behaviour? If her marriage is going poorly, she may be less inclined to be happy for others who are in a happier relationship - a jealousy I guess. 

    But well done for being the bigger person, at least you won't have her being so close to you on your wedding day bringing her negativity with her. 

    Have a fabulous day! X

  • Posted: 16 Jul 2018 14:53

    Re: My MOH isn't coming to my hen do!

    I hope you have a lovely wedding day and all the drama is over and done with! I just wanted to chime in with the fact that, at her first wedding, my SIL ended up with quite a few BM changes from the original line-up. I wasn't going to be a BM, but then when my hubby and I ended up getting married 6 months before she did, as I was then her SIL (hubby is her only sibling) and was going to be travelling all the way to the USA for the wedding, and she fell out with two of her friends, thus I ended up in the wedding party. The two friends did come as guests.


    So you see, what has happened to you does sometimes occur. You will probably have a better day without her as MOH. I hope you can sell the dress and accessories you bought her (eBay?) so you don't lose out too much money.

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