Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

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  • Posted: 21 Jun 2020 8:38

    Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    We’re getting married in October and I chose my friend of nearly 20 years to be my MOH & only bridesmaid. She got a new boyfriend in December having been single for a long time. Since I asked her to be MOH at the beginning of March, she has cancelled any plans we’ve made to make arrangements for the wedding, without offering any suitable dates/times to rearrange. (An example of reasons she couldn’t do it...”I’d forgotten I’m at my cousin’s leaving do this weekend” and “my boyfriend has a problem with his wisdom tooth & I think it’s infected”
    Lockdown hit and it’s proved really difficult to plan & organise anything due to suppliers/venues being closed & uncertainty about whether the event will resemble anything that we planned, if it can go ahead at all! Now one of our venues has gone into administration & we’re trying to find a replacement...all very stressful!

    We’re less than 5 months away from the big day & we haven’t even managed to have a conversation about her role in the fact she’s been noticeably absent from all forms of communication since I asked her to be MOH (unless I’ve contacted her). 

    Maybe I’m expecting too much...if the tables were turned I’d be getting in touch with her when lockdown hit to ask how it affected the wedding & whether she needed any support. Is it not the MOH’s job to help to support the bride & help relieve the stress of wedding preparation? Right now I feel like she’s adding to it!



  • Posted: 23 Jun 2020 10:36

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    I don't know what country you are in, but most places have had fairly restrictive lockdowns since March, so it doesn't seem unreasonable that your MOH has been unable to attend planning meetings with you.  Also, many people are still anxious about going to events in the autumn, so she might be worrying if it's even going to be safe to attend an October wedding.

    Regarding the amount of help she should be giving you, I guess it depends what the cultural expectations are in your area/country.  Where I'm from, the only real 'duties' the MOH has is to organise the hen do and to provide support on the day.  Some brides ask their bridesmaids/MOH to join them for dress shopping or go with them to hair & makeup trials, but it's not so much a 'duty' as just a time for good friends to hang out together.  Organising venues, suppliers and general wedding planning is the job of the bride & groom and/or their families.

    I'd have a conversation with your MOH asap and ask her up front if she's able/willing to help you with certain things.  It sounds as if you both have different expectations of what her role involves, so the sooner this is resolved, the better.

  • Posted: 23 Jun 2020 15:12

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    I think you are going to have to tackle this straight on & ask her if she still wants to be a large part of your wedding.

    Have you planned any dates in for dress shopping / bridesmaid dress shopping? if she hasn't responded to these then their might be a problem.

    I agree with the previous poster i don't think it is down to the MOH to support you & relieve the stress of wedding preparation - that is what your fiance is for.

    MOH's are there for the fun stuff but it does seem like she is a little absent - you might be reading too much into it.  Best to come right out & ask her.

  • Posted: 24 Jun 2020 7:14

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    I was my friend’s MOH and I really didn’t want to do it and I tried to get out of it but she said I was just being silly when I said to her about it so I felt like I had to do it. I really didn’t enjoy it at all. Maybe she’s feeling that way too. Have a chat with her and say to her that if she doesn’t want to do it then she doesn’t have to. I know I would have been far more comfortable as a guest than as the MOH at my friend’s wedding. I’m not having any bridesmaids or a MOH as I think it’s a lot to ask someone to do and to give up their precious free time just for me and my wedding is selfish to me. 

  • Posted: 26 Jun 2020 11:49

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    Thanks for your response. I understand your point about the COVID restrictions, the meetings haven’t all been face-to-face, I’d arranged video calls too which she’s also cancelled. 
    I’m also not expecting her to help me with venues, but having a friend to be a sounding board (who is a bit less stressed about the whole thing) would really help...other friends have approached me to ask how I’m doing & maybe I’m comparing her lack of contact to that.

    It would be great to be able to have a conversation with her. I feel it’s something that needs to be discussed face to face, and there in lies the problem...

  • Posted: 26 Jun 2020 11:53

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    Thanks for your reply.

    We haven’t even got as far as discussing dresses...we’re on a really tight budget, so my dress has been purchased online & fits great (for now at least!).

    As I’ve responded to the previous poster. I feel asking her outright if she wants to take on the role is better done in person so she can see & hear my (calm & understanding!) body language. However, this has proved so difficult so far, it’s part of my frustration.

  • Posted: 26 Jun 2020 11:59

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience as MOH, I really value that. Well done for voicing your concerns with your friend.

    If she does feel this way, I wish she’d be as honest as you were & say so. At least I‘d know where I stood & I certainly wouldn’t ‘force‘ her to do something she didn’t want to do or couldn’t commit to. 

  • Posted: 26 Jun 2020 19:10

    Re: Maid of honour is unreliable & seemingly uninterested

    You’re very welcome. She could be behaving the way she is because she doesn’t want to do it but she doesn’t want to be the one to say it and is waiting for you to say that she doesn’t have to do it. I’d have a chat with her. If you’re really good friends then it shouldn’t be an awkward conversation to have. 

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