Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

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  • Posted: 27 Jul 2018 12:07

    Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    My fiance and I are getting married next year and have recently written a rough guest list, but haven't finalised it yet. My fiance has included one of his closest friends from school and who will by then be her husband on the list (this couple are getting married this year, before us). When it came to inviting our friends, this couple were an automatic choice on the invite list, as my fiance and I are very good friends with them. When they got engaged themselves 2 years ago, they sent us a save the date card and we're really excited about having us at their wedding. Myself and my partner were really looking forward to the wedding and I had even chose to decline an invite to another friend's wedding that was on the same day as this couple's big day. However, when we got the formal invitation in the post recently, it was a different story - the couple have invited my fiance to the full ceremony, reception dinner etc, and I have only been invited to the evening party for drinks and dancing! We're both fuming about this as it means my fiance going to the main part of the day on his own and me waiting around near the venue until the dinner is over! We're not sure how to handle this, so my two questions are:

    How do we reply to the invite or should we even accept it?

    In what way should we invite them to our own wedding next year? (Really don't feel like having them both there for ceremony, dinner etc if I'm not important enough to attend theor full wedding day!)

    Any advice greatly appreciated! 

     

  • Posted: 27 Jul 2018 15:18

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

     

    That's a really tough one and I would be fuming too. 

    I had a similar, (although not possibly not quite as bad) predicament a few months back where my fiancé (who I've been with 4 years) was not invited to my cousin's wedding - although in fairness the cousin in question had not met him (but then again my other cousin's girlfriend of 1 and a half years who they don't know that well either was invited!!) when I discreetly mentioned it to another relative, my cousin rang me all apologetic saying they didn't have the space but she said I could bring my fiancé to the evening do, but that just wasn't feasible as we live about 6 hours from the wedding venue, so I wasn't exactly going to ask him to do a 12-hour round trip only to spend most of the day sat in a hotel room on his own, in a place he doesn't know, then walk into a party full of drunk people, on his own. In the end another guest dropped out at the last minute so my fiancé was allowed to come, so that sort of solved the issue. But if that hadn't happened then I was going to go on my own without him (which I was *really* embarrassed about since his family have been so welcoming to me and invited me to all their family events, even when they hadn't met me!)

    At first I had toyed with the idea of just not going at all out of principle, but then I thought deep down I don't really want to cause a scene on their day and make it about me, and also I would quite like them and the rest of their families to come to my wedding too, so there's that to think about... Also when it comes to these things, it's almost always because they've got very limited space and have had to make some tough decisions, so sometimes it helps to be understanding.

    Then again, from what you've said about how close you see them as, I would be really hurt by it. Is it too late to retract the rejection of your other friend's wedding? Personally that would be my first choice - go to the other wedding! (And maybe have your fiancé still go to the first wedding, if he wants to see his other friends... ). It's a perfect excuse for not going without causing a scene or risking looking petty, and you'd be having a good time rather than moping around all day while everyone else has fun.

    If that's not an option... you mention "waiting around near the venue" – does that mean you'd be travelling a long way? if that is the case maybe your fiancé could discreetly say, "look, it's just not practical for us to come to separately..." (if that's the truth of course) and see if they could squeeze you in as well... For our wedding, we've just said that anyone who is travelling a long way is invited to the whole thing, regardless of how close to us they are, as I just think it's totally unfair to expect people to travel a long way and then only let them in for a couple of hours when the best food and free booze has all gone!!

    As for how to invite them to yours... tempting though it would be to get them back by only inviting them to the evening do, I think you risk coming across as petty if you do that, and I think taking the moral high ground would be more dignified. Hopefully when they receive your invitation with both of them on it it will make them think twice about how they treated you and maybe they'll be a bit embarrassed, but your friendship will be intact.

     

  • Posted: 27 Jul 2018 15:25

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    Gosh, I personally think, if you are officially engaged, you should be treated as a couple. Obviously it is my opinion only, but I would both reply that you will attend the evening only, and invite them both to just your evening do too. Or maybe I would just decline to attend at all. Sounds petty, but if they are struggling so much with the guest list that you have been relegated, it might do them a favour a create more space! *Sarcastic*

    I'm a bit of a hater of bad manners, but if somebody is rude to me, I can be rude back.

     

  • Posted: 27 Jul 2018 15:32

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    HappyBrownDecor, or they may just happily accept the OP's invite to the entire wedding and not think twice about how they rudely invited her to just the evening bash. 

  • Posted: 27 Jul 2018 17:40

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    If it's to do with money, space etc it would've been nice of them to explain that to you before the invites went out so that it wasn't totally unexpected. I'd invite them both to the whole day just to make them feel bad!

  • Posted: 30 Jul 2018 8:08

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    As per the advice above, if the venue is far away, I would explain that it isn't practical for you to come separately. I would then attend the evening and only invite them to the evening.

    If you guys all hang out together, I can completely understand you being offended. I know of a few situations where someone's partner has only been invited to the evening do, but that's usually because the couple getting married haven't met the partner before, or the invited couple have only got together since the wedding was booked.

    We're planning our guestlist at the moment, and I would never split up couples, with the exception of a new partner that I hadn't met yet. 

    I would re-evaluate your guestlist. Is there someone that you have relegated to the evening in favour of this couple? Maybe bump them up instead. 

    I wouldn't make a big deal about it though, it's not something worth ruining a friendship over. Just go to the evening do. 

    Good luck! X

  • Posted: 11 Aug 2018 21:50

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    Around 3 years ago my fiance was invited to his cousins full wedding and I got an evening invite he went I wasnt happy that he went but I couldn't tell him not to go either. I declined my evening invite and went out on a girls night out instead  lol We wernt engaged then but had been together 5 years by then and living together for 3. We get married next July and they will be invited to our full day. It's rude of your friends to not even give a reason why they have decided to invite you to only the evening. Personally I wouldn't accept it and I'd probably book me and the fiance a spa night away for that date but I'm extremely stubborn. Good luck & let us know what you decide x

  • Posted: 13 Aug 2018 16:27

    Re: Fuming at evening only invite fiances full invite to his friend's wedding!

    I agree this is a very difficult situation to navigate, and I would be furious at them for having put you in it!

    However, don't forget it is their wedding day. Don't stay away from it just out of anger and don't not invite them to your wedding if that was what you had originally intended.

    Is it possible that they agonised over the decision not to invite you to the ceremony because the venue is too small or some reason like that? Perhaps they have been pressured by parents, etc., to invite other people and have had to cut their friends list (which is horrible, but some people do).

    It is deeply upsetting though, and I know this from experience, to think you are close enough to someone to be invited to their wedding ceremony and then to find out you aren't. I'm sure there must be a reason for it, and although you may want uninvite them to make a point, I think you should keep to your plan of inviting them, as that was what you wanted in the first place.

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