Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

tjNdespair
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  • Posted: 14 May 2018 10:10

    Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    I never knew how horrible wedding planning was...

    The first problem and most important for me is my family. My Mom has 7 living brothers and sisters. Of those 7, 1 is for sure coming to my wedding, 1 can't because they are older and my Aunt is very ill and the trip would be too much for her, they would for sure come if they could. 1 Uncle I cant get an address for so I could only send him an invite on fb and have heard nothing from him. 1 I sent him an invite and I have yet to hear back from him, I am sure if he can come he will. The other 3, sadly the 3 that I have always been closest too over the years have already informed me they cant come. I get that I live in another state. However, 1 of my cousins got married 3 years ago that only lives a couple hours from me and all 3 of them made it to his wedding and they made sure their adult children and grandchildren made it too. I also gave a years notice to give them all time to save and plan for a trip here for my wedding. I am heartbroken that they aren't coming. I know in my heart that they will all send me cards with money but I don't want their money! I wanted them here for my wedding. I want to return their money with a thank you note for the card and tell them I appreciate their cards but I dont want their money because I would have preferred their presence at my wedding. I know this would be unkind, but I am hurt and I truly don't care about money or gifts. There presence would be gift enough for me. Am I wrong? I mean if they hadn't gone to my cousins wedding or if I hadn't given them a years advance notice, I could see them not coming. But they went to his wedding but can't come to mine? That hurts, it's like he means more to them than I do.

     

    The second problem...oh boy, its a doozie...lol I have a good friend who is a great seamstress. She made her own wedding gown and her daughters wedding gown. She did a wonderful job on both. I asked if she would be willing to make mine and she said yes. The dress is done and its the absolute most horrible thing I have ever seen in my life...I dont know what happened! Anyways, I have a backup dress, while it's not what I wanted, it's gorgeous and it looks good on me. My problem is, how do I tell my friend that I will not be wearing the dress she made? I thought about telling her that my Mom and daughters went in on a white wedding gown for me because they want me in white and thought I deserved it. Then again I don't want to lie. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I also don't want to lie or wear the horrible dress she made. What would you do?

  • Posted: 16 May 2018 9:01

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    I'm so sorry these things are putting a dampener on your planning experience - it should be a fun, exciting time! 

    I would have a chat with your family members that you want to come. Take some time and call them up, thank them for the gifts of money, then explain that you feel that they are close family members and how much you would love for them to be there - maybe they have a genuine reason, such as ill health, or mobility? 3 years is a long time for circumstances to change.

    If they don't appear to have any good reason, I would try to calmly explain that it is hurtful that they made the effort for your cousin and not for you. If they still don't come, then try to accept it and enjoy the day with people who have made the effort. But definitely try and find out why they can't come first. 

     

    Regarding the dress, that is a tough one. It was lovely of your friend to try and make it, but it sounds like she had a completely different idea to what you had in your own mind. Have you tried the dress on? As many dresses look better on a person than on the hanger. 

    If you have and you still don't like it, is it possible to ask her to help you alter it to make it more like what you had in mind?  I think a degree of honesty is the best policy - don't tell her you hate the dress, but just that in real life it didn't work on you as it did in your imagination.

    If it's not possible to alter, then I would definitely wear the back up dress - it's your wedding, and you don't want to look back on your photos and regret the dress. 

    I wouldn't tell her that your mum wanted to buy your dress (unless she did), maybe just say that after comparing the two you decided to go down the more traditional route after all.

    Hope this helps!

  • Posted: 18 May 2018 5:54

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    I have spoke with 1 Uncle, his circumstances have not changed. When he went to my cousins wedding he had to borrow the money. He would have to borrow to come to mine and he doesn't want to. This tells me, I am not as important to him as my cousin is. My Aunt who isn't coming is more than financially stable. She doesn't work. She and her husband go on several vacations a year with no worries. I also made sure that I sent pre invites a year out so that they would know to plan this as one of their many trips. My other Uncle which is the one I was the closest to just sent me a fb message saying he wouldn't be here. No explanation, nothing. 

    My dress...if I could figure out how to get you a picture I would definitely send one. The top of the bodice is all bunched up cause she has way too much material (I believe she was trying to make sure no cleavage showed). She has nothing in the bodice for support so while it's loose my boobs look like they are about to bust out at the seams. Not to mention you can see every fat roll I have and some that don't even exist. It looks better on the hangar than on. The back looks great. She has altered it a dozen times and she now says that no more alterations are possible...? I have thought about taking it elsewhere to see if another seamstress can fix it, but that to me seems more of an insult since she will know at first glance that somebody did something to it.

  • Posted: 18 May 2018 9:12

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    Ahh, I'm sorry that your family aren't making an effort. I know it is difficult, but try to put it to the back of your mind, and appreciate the people who HAVE made the effort to be there. They are the people that will be there for you going forwards. 

    Hmm, the dress doesn't sound great (I think you need to post a certain number of times before you can share a picture annoyingly).

    I would still go down the route of chatting quietly to your friend and explain that you appreciate her time and effort, but the dress isn't what you had in mind for your wedding day and doesn't suit your shape or style of the wedding, so you're going to go with the other one.

    Everyone knows that a bride wants to look and feel her best on her wedding day, so she may be a bit upset, but she should understand. Is there anything on the dress that you could wear with your other dress perhaps? Like a a belt or sash that could be tied around your waist? 

    But ultimately it is your day, so don't wear a dress you feel awful in just to pacify someone else, as lovely as the thought is.

    Good luck! 

  • Posted: 12 Jun 2018 5:48

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    Soo, the dress fiasco has been adDRESSed. I have spoke with my friend who made the dress and I simply told her that I appreciate all that she has done to make my day even more special. However, ever since I tried on the dress in the local shop I have not forgotten it and that every-time I think of the dress I grin ear to ear and cant wipe it off my face. Since my children and my Mom really wanted me in white I finally admitted to myself that I just wanted that white dress so I got it. She was slightly upset about the time she put into it, but she took it pretty well over all. And she helped do the bouquets and boutonnieres for the wedding party. We still have to put my bouquet together and she will help with it. Thank GOD this didn't hurt our friendship like I was so afraid it would. As far as the family goes, as far as I know they still are not coming and while it still upsets me I have come to terms with it. Last week I had come to the decision that if any of my family who could't be bothered to come send us a gift that I will send it back to them with a note that says, appreciated but I would have preferred them and didn't invite them just to get a gift from them. My mom says thats wrong and she is right. I probably wouldn't do it, because I wasn't raised to intentionally hurt others, but it felt good to think I could do it...lol. Now yesterday, my daughter informed me that we have surprise guests that have RSVP'ed through her but it's to be a surprise and they only RSVP'ed through my daughter so they could give a head count for seating and food purposes. So she is keeping the secret but apparently we have about 10 surprise guests coming. We only have about 6 friends who their showing up would be awesome, 1 of which passed away so I know its not her, 1 is pregnant with her first child and she and 2 of the others will be at her baby shower at the time of our wedding so we know its not them. That leaves 2 other friends which I already suspect and they wouldn't be 10, they would only be 2. Beyond these friends the only others that would be a great surprise would be my family that has said they can't come. This makes me want the wedding day to get here that much sooner. I do love surprises.

  • Posted: 12 Jun 2018 8:51

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    That's great that you were able to sort out your dress situation, and that your friend understood, well done! 

    I'm glad you've come to terms with your family members not making it, and I really hop that these mystery guests are who you want! My only advice would be to try not to get too fixated on it being them., as you don't want to end up a) being disappointed if it's not, and b) the surprise guests to feel upset that you would prefer other people to them! 

    Have a wonderful day, and do keep us posted! How long have you got to go? 

  • Posted: 14 Jun 2018 11:13

    Re: Family and Wedding Dress problems...help???

    Perhaps I am in the minority here, but I can't help but feel you are being a little harsh on the Uncle that can't make it because of financial reasons. Since you already know he clearly has a financial issue and did for your cousin's wedding, to say that because he can't come due to financial reasons means you're not as important I do think is very unreasonable. I totally get how disappointed you are but no matter how much I wanted to attend a wedding, there is no way i'm putting myself in debt to do so, and honestly I can't quite believe you would expect him to. You don't know that he even has any way to borrow the money even if he wanted to, but he should not be made to feel guilty if he can't financially afford to be there. If he is that important to you, why do you not offer to fly him out and put him up somewhere? 

    I also think sending the gifts back is unncessary and spiteful so I am glad you decided against it. As much as your wedding is an important day for you, it is not the be all and end all of life. It is so not worth falling out with family you care about dearly because they cannot attend for one day. I completely get feeling disappointed but I don't get the anger behind it. Circumstances change, you can't expect everyone to be in the same position they were in with previous events or weddings. 

    I would concentrate on enjoying your wedding planning. I am pleased you sorted the dress situation, and that your friend was understanding. I think you have a true friend there and I would hang on to her! 

    All the best for your wedding!

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