Does a grooms opinion count??

Greenwoods2019
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  • Posted: 3 Sep 2018 18:10

    Does a grooms opinion count??

    Hi All. I’m looking for your opinions on a couple of things which make me feel uncomfortable about my wedding. Firstly I’m marrying the most amazing woman who I love very much. I want her to have the best day of her life, but I also want that feeling too. 

    My first issue is the fact she is adamant her ex’s parents attend the entire wedding. She has nothing to do with her ex but gets on well with his parents and spends time with them. They are also her daughters grandparents. The closeness of their relationship is unusual but I am accepting of it. I have reluctantly agreed they attend but I’d prefer if it was just the evening. The thought of them there all day makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

    Secondly, we have consulted each other on all wedding guests, bridesmaids, groomsmen etc....and although previous topic was discussed I have still lost that argument. I have been told today, without consultation, that we now have additional bridesmaids!. No prior mention of this but today she bumped into an old school friend and now she’s bridesmaid. 

    what are people’s general opinion of this?

     

    thanks

  • Posted: 5 Sep 2018 13:14

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    Hi! 

     

    i think you're quite right in that you should have a say in everything, if that's what you want to do. My fiancé has been very involved and we have hit a few bumps but we established "bottom lines" on things that were really important so arguments don't drag on. 

    The important thing to say to her if you're feeling left out, overruled or ignored is that the marriage itself is a 50/50 endeavour and so why shouldn't the wedding be as well? 

    Have you sat down, calmly and explained how it actually makes you feel about these points? ask her to put herself in your shoes- and also spend some time thinking about things from her perspective too. it's very powerful to be able to do that.

    I think this is a good chance to open up communication that could benefit you as you go along in your marriage- being able to be heard and understood on points that mean something to you. 

    she might just be getting swept up in the excitement and it was out of sheer anticipation that she's now added a bridesmaid on, or maybe she feels like she needs additional help? or maybe she'd always promised that person they would be each others bridesmaids and now felt bound by this?

    just have a chat, rather than a confrontation and be open if you want an open response.

     

    hope that helps! :-)

  • Posted: 5 Sep 2018 18:39

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    Of course your opinion counts. I can see your point about the ex's parents coming to the whole day. Seems a bit over the top to me but then it's not as if her actual ex is coming, just his parents. 

  • Posted: 5 Sep 2018 22:14

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    With the bridesmaid thing I'm in two minds... I mean it is the "bride's" maid, not the "bride-and-groom's maid", so I would see that as something that is entirely her decision except with certain caveats (like if it took you over budget, or had a particular objection to the person in question or something...) My fiancé only got told who my bridesmaids were about 3 months after I chose them!! (I kind of forgot to mention it...) but it's not something I felt I should consult him about... not that I've got loads of them or anything.

     

    As for the kids' grandparents, that is a different issue, and your opinion absolutely does count as much as hers when it comes to which guests to invite. Personally, I don't think it's necessarily weird that she's kept a close relationship with her children's grandparents, as my mother did exactly the same. In fact, my parents split up 20 years ago now but my mother still gets on better with her ex-mother-in-law than she does her own mother, and it's lovely for the kids that the two sides of their family get on, and it can be a great source of stability for them, especially if they ever have any problems as they get older.

     

    That said, coming to the wedding is a different matter, and I can totally understand why you'd feel weird about it. Even though it's not her ex, it's still a strong connection to her old life, a reminder of her previous marriage, which might feel odd on your wedding day, when you want to be thinking about your future together. Your fiancé probably doesn't see it like that at all, I've no doubt she purely sees them as her kids' grandparents, and as someone else said, she's probably just got swept up in the excitement of the day, also a lot of brides do assume that they have full control over everything, not least because pretty much all wedding websites, forums, shops and suppliers and often friends and family as well assume the bride is in control of everything so you end up adopting that attitude even if you didn't start out with it! But your opinion is important, so I think you should sit down with her and discuss it again, explain why it makes you feel uncomfortable and see if they can come to the evening do. It might be a bit awkward if she's already sent the invites out, but at least try and talk to her to left her know you're feeling a bit left out of things.

  • Posted: 6 Sep 2018 11:25

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    Yes, of course a groom's opinion counts. One thing that has really annoyed me, has been people have kept telling my fiance that it's my day not his, he just has to turn up! I know they're joking, but also they're kind of not!

    I'm doing the bulk of work for it, as we're doing a lot of DIY, and I'm more crafty, but I've really enjoyed discussing all aspects with him, and I've not made any final decisions without discussing it with him first. 

    Even my bridesmaids - I knew who I wanted, and there are 6 of them, so I discussed it with him to be sure he was happy with that number and the additional cost. There was actually a 7th candidate, but we agreed to ask her to do a reading instead, and he's doing the same with one of his friend's who isn't going to be an usher. 

    I would definitely have a chat with her. It's so easy to get swept up in the whole glow of booking things, but your wedding day is about the both of you, and your fiancee is lucky to have a chap who wants to get involved! 

    Depending on what you have left to book, why don't you suggest going to wedding fairs with her? She might love the fact that you want to go along! My fiance has also done a great job scouring Facebook marketplace for things to buy for our wedding, and sending me links. Maybe you could do this (if you haven't already)? That way, she will know that you want to have a say too. 

    Regarding her ex's parents, I too would find that really strange if my fiance wanted his ex's folks there. I guess it makes more sense if she see's them regularly, and they are her kid's grandparents, but couldn't they be invited as an evening guest instead? 

    Definitely have a chat with her, and sooner rather than later before she get s too much else booked! 

    Good luck! x

  • Posted: 9 Sep 2018 12:18

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    The bridesmaid issue is an easy one really.  The bride chooses her own bridesmaids.  Is your issue more to do with the cost of an extra BM?

    The ex-parents is a little more complicated but I remember photographing a wedding where the brides ex-husband's parents were there as guests during the day.  They went home before the evening do started.  

    TBH, I can see why this makes you uncomfortable but I think you should go along with it.  You're taking on her child and this means you are likely to have an ongoing relationship with the grandparents.  These people could be a huge asset to you as the years go by.

  • Posted: 13 Sep 2018 6:39

    Re: Does a grooms opinion count??

    i think that your opinion do matters, but only on something that really related to the wedding like the theme, dress, place, etc and for the choice of bridesmaid, i guess it's really your future wife's choice to choose since they're her friends after all. i know that it's really uncomfortable when you know that your FW invited her ex's parents, but again, since you're taking her as your wife and she having the grandchildren of her ex's parents, i think that she done that out of respect. especially when her relationship with them is still close, and it's for her children. the grandparents won't also want to lose their grandchildren just like that after all. so i think, you should also respect her decision and do everything well as plan to make her happy on both of your special day. Cheers!

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