Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

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  • Posted: 12 Nov 2017 21:52

    Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    When we initally became engaged we agreed on a rough budget of £15 000 and my fiance said he would cover £10 000 and I'd cover the rest. I agreed with this thinking that I'd have plenty of time (18 months) to save. We are now 10 months away and he is becoming increasingly upset about the costs that will fall on him. Our guest list has gone up from 70 to 90, mainly his family and friends because we are having a smaller ceremony abroad for my family later on. We have booked a band, photographer and celebrant and it now looks pretty certain that budget will have to be increased. 

    I'm doing my best to keep costs down, e.g. my friend's friend is doing my hair, a beautician I know will do my make up, my friend is doing flowers. My fiance insists that I contribute still £5000 although the costs that I agreed to cover, like the flowers, will end up costing less than expected. I just can't afford this which is why I'm looking for bargains. 

    We are on vastly different incomes, I'm at the beginning of career earning less than £25 000 p.a, my fiance earns about 10 x that and owns his own business so money is not an object. He feels that the cost is falling mainly on him, which he feels in unfair. I have suggested cancelling our plans and doing a very small and intimate wedding instead but he doesn't want to cancel. I can't really earn more money than I do now, I don't know what to do. I did come very close to cancelling the whole thing today because I just feel so down about it. Any discussion about the wedding turns to money and I end up feeling upset. I don't know what to do Sad

  • Posted: 12 Nov 2017 22:06

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    Try not to lose sight of what it's all about - getting married to the one you love. Do you really need 70-90 other people there? Can't you just have a really small intimate wedding with very close friends and family only? 

  • Posted: 12 Nov 2017 23:18

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    Marriage is what I care about, not the wedding. If you read my previous post you'd see that I suggested calling it off and having a really small and private wedding, but he said no. Majority of people on the guest list are people he wants to invite, I'd be happy with a smaller wedding. Cutting down the guest list was the first thing I suggested. His issue is that he's contributing much more than I am, I earn about 10% of what he earns so lack of money isn't the issue. I just feel that every time I mention the wedding money comes up and we disagree on things, it takes the excitement away from the planning. I can't leave my job until Easter so I won't have a way of earning more money.

  • Posted: 13 Nov 2017 9:27

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    You should show him exactly how much disposable income you have and how much you are saving for the wedding to show you just can't afford any more.  Then show him the wedding budget and guest list and tell him you both need to decide how and where to make cuts. If he doesn't agree, then you have to remind him that if this is the type of wedding he wants, either he contributes more or you postpone. Put it back on him to decide, then he can't blame you for it all.

  • Posted: 13 Nov 2017 12:25

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    Oh no. Money is such a difficult and contensious subject. However, I'd probably suggest an open and honest conversation. Given the difference in your salaries is this likely to be an issue moving through life together?

  • Posted: 13 Nov 2017 14:37

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    I’ve got to be honest I read your initial comment that you originally committed to the £5k with your fiancé, so saying now that you can’t afford it I can see why he’s upset about it.  It’s not about disposable income or who earns what - it’s that you both made an agreement and you’re trying to change your side of it, when you’re well into the planning process.  I’d be upset if that was my other half doing the same.  

    You said said when you agreed it that you thought you’d have 18 months to save - But it’s only 10 months to go now you can’t.  Does that mean you’ve not saved for the last 8 months? 

    Im not trying to be nasty - I’m trying to give another perspective.  If my other half decided 8 months into the planning phase that he suddenly couldn’t contribute what we’d agreed I’d be pretty upset with him.  If you’d realised that there were circumstances beyond your control that meant that figure was no longer realistic, wouldn’t you have discussed that with him when you realised it so that you could find ways round it together? Otherwise it just looks from the outside like you’re trying to go back on what you’d agreed just because you haven’t saved what you should have.  If that was my other half I’d be upset about it too.  

    Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear - it’s just how I read your post.  

  • Posted: 13 Nov 2017 23:04

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    It sounds like you have over committed and broken through your budget. My OH is only on 17k a year and I'm on a lot more than him, after he took a pay cut when he was made redundant. You need to be frank and open with him and yourself about what you can afford and if you can cut back do so, but make sure he sees some savings too, so he sees you taking care of his contributions as well as your own.  My OH and I will have to find some alternative finances but it's neither of our faults that he had a nearly £5000 pa pay cut and a redundancy period, at the moment I'm paying for everything, in the circumstances it's understandable but still annoying.

    As the person paying the bulk it's really annoying to see the other person buy anything non wedding related when theyl have little money to 'waste '.

    Hope that helps. 

  • Posted: 14 Nov 2017 10:56

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    there is so many points to this

    1) income has nothing to do with it, I make a quarter of what my fiance does and im classed well below the povety line income wise and im paying for our £5000 wedding completely by myself (except his outfit, his ring and for some reason the guestbook which he has took upon himself) because my fiance is shite with money, the reason he is buying his own outfit and ring is because he has rediculously expensive taste... its frustraiting that hes finacially a mororn but its not hard because I have good money sense and plenty of savings dispite an income of less that £10,000 p.a

    2) why did you agree to cover £5000? it doesnt matter if you saved money you agreed to a set amount he now has to pay MORE than £15000 and your suddenly like 'im not paying' thats unfair to him and honestly I wouldnt want to marry someone who lies about things theyll do and/or wont stick to commitments

    3) why did you plan a big wedding if you didnt want it? you said your having TWO weddings why didnt you each pay for one, then you could do it in your own budget

  • Posted: 14 Nov 2017 14:49

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    The cost of weddings and the stress of paying for them is definitely one of the worst parts. In my case it was the parents and in laws who had the worst falling out about it. I contributed as much as I felt I could reasonably afford, but it was deemed to be enough but I didn’t want a big traditional white wedding and my opinion was that if I have to go through with it I’m not bankrupting myself in the process. 

    My now husband spent all his life savings on it and in my opinion this was not a sensible use of that money.

    I regret not standing up more for my opinions at the beginning of planning, but it is quite hard to change plans once they have booked and deposits paid. 

    Falling out over money is never worth it (unless you make yourself homeless in the processs, or there are similar dire consequences!) sometimes you have money, sometimes you don’t BUT one can always get more money. It’s  one of the most easily replaceable things in the world. 

    Weddings are supposed to be happy, joyful occasions. Mine was completely ruined by the politics of organising, hosting and yes, paying for it and it really wasn’t worth the stress. Most of me wishes I had insisted we eloped, that would be far more romantic. 

    Ok, you said you would save but now can’t, he’s about to be your husband and you should be able to talk rationally about a solution to the problem. Can you spend less overall maybe? If he for some strange reason insists you still contribute £5000, why can’t he lend it to you and you pay back what you can’t afford to save now after you’re married and then you pay it back in instalments. 

    If you can’t come to a happy agreement now maybe it’s best you don’t enter a formal are arrangement to spend the rest of your lives together. 

  • Posted: 20 Nov 2017 13:44

    Re: Arguing about paying for the wedding, feeling lost

    Reading this, for me the bigger problem is your lack of communication and understanding about each others financial situations. The fact you agreed to something you couldn't afford, and he didn't know this, suggests you don't have open and honest communication about this subject.

    When you marry you become a team, there's no you v's me. Will your whole married life be about comparing how much you/him contribute and falling out over it? Will you not go on holidays/buy a house/enjoy trips together because you can't contribute your share compared to him?

    Maybe this is just me, but I see getting married as a joining of two people in every way - what is mine is his and what is his is mine etc. Our earnings go into one pot to support our life together - it isn't about how much one person has put in. Surely your OH understands you do not earn the same as him? My OH earns more than me but I'm better at money management so have more disposable income, I'm saving what I can and he's saving what he can, if it means I pay more so be it. I think this signifies a deeper issue in your relationship that I would have a calm and rational conversation about before marrying. 

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