*Very Sens* Talking about cancer

Oh my goodness. You've had a hell of a time. I am covered in goosebumps. And VERY happy for you. I hope you treat yourself to something or go somewhere special, to mark the occasion. Not today, but when you're ready.

Oh Twiga, I had no idea sorry. But so so delighted for you to have the all clear ?
You really have beat it! Please don't feel guilty, it's a real b*stard which has taken so many lives including a few in my own family.
You must have been through so much in the past couple of years and I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but please try and see the positive that you have won this battle and you should celebrate that fact! I wish I lived near you and we could have a few glasses of wine & give you a huge hug!
Just think of that line "I am a healthy 27 year old"...amazing You've done your mother and best friend proud and beat that horrid disease!
Sending massive hugs for you and congratulations! And a virtual kick in the bum too..get celebrating ?

Oh my goodness, Twiga why on earth would your post offend anyone.

What terrible losses you have suffered - I cannot comprehend losing what you have lost, and these comments are of course totally inadequate.

How well you have done, and all you have been through. Don't beat yourself up about feeling guilty/unhappy/wantng a good cry. Getting the good news won't leave you feeling on top of the world, but will most likely be anti-climatic,and leave you feeling flat and deflated.

It sounds like you have done amazingly well, and I can't believe you are only 27. I'm totally at a loss of what to say that doesn't sound wholly inadequate but what a brave lady you are

xxx

That is fantastic news! I can totally understand why you must feeling very mixed emotions, I can't imagine how tough the last couple of years must have been for you. Definitely fine not to feel like celebrating right away but you will feel like it soon enough and when you do, have a big old celebration!

This post wont offend anyone I promise.

Firstly so sorry for your loss. Cancer is an evil disease- you need to be proud that you have got through it and look towards a positive future.

Im not a religious person- but look at it this was. If those you had lost were here and you were the one who had lost the battle do you think you would want them to feel guilty if you could see them? I doubt that very much.

Live your life to the full for their sakes- when you feel like celebrating let us know. We do a mean online party here on OT.

Oh Twiga, reading that brought a tear to my eye. I think you must feel like you've reached the end of a marathon, or a double marathon, and just want to collapse in a heap.

You did it though!!!

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Your all-clear is amazing news! I'm so happy for you! I also completely understand your sadness that your mum and friend didn't survive the battle with you and I think it's perfectly reasonable to have mixed emotions about it. I think it's likely that they would want you to be celebrating this news, go and raise a glass to them and let them know the *** didn't win.

ps Sometimes a little cry fixes everything.

Big congratulatory hugs to you.

Firstly, it's not offensive to talk about these things. Secondly, an inadequate hug is on its way.

Thirdly, and most importantly, feeling meh is fine. My Mum greeted her all-clear with mixed emotions, not sure if she was actually happy, or if she was somehow supposed to be grateful that she'd made it when she was just really annoyed it happened to her in the first place and a bit wierd that such a major part of her life was done with (like she'd lost her focus). I can only imagine that your feelings are all the more mixed because you lost both your Mum and your best friend to the same disease - survivor guilt is real.

Take it easy on yourself. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to laugh manically, do so. Nobody minds if you act a little bit strangely. The happiness will come, and then you can raise a glass and say 'F*ck you, I did it'.

I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now but I can imagine the mixed emotions are completely normal, and the survivors guilt is perfectly understandable. Big hugs and a quiet "well done for kicking cancer's arse" ??

What everyone else said completely.

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I think that your mixed emotions are completely understandable and it will probably take a while to sink in what a massive deal this is. In the mean time, if you feel the need to cry, then do so, I can't imagine anyone would begrudge you that after what you have been through.

Hopefully you will soon feel the urge to celebrate and shout your recovery from the roof tops though, and when that happens I am sure the otters will be standing by with some pictures of amazing cake ?

I don't really have any wise words like the other ladies, but you sound very brave and I wanted to give you a hug ? Congratulations on getting the all-clear.

Absolutely this- Go easy on yourself. x

What everyone else said. Take it easy on yourself ? ?

Twiga you have a whole range of emotions hitting you all in one go, give yourself a break. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling.

When you feel ready you can celebrate it in whatever way you choose. If that is just picking yourself up and quietly getting on with regular day to day life, then that is enough.

Cancer takes enough from us, don't let it continue to take anything else away from you, you have done brilliantly and I really wish you all the best.

Firstly I think you are amazing, I am so happy for you that you have been given the all clear. You have had a really sh*tty time so you are bound to have mixed emotions. At 27 you have been through so much and lost some dear people, who would be jumping for joy at your news I am sure. It is human nature to feel guilty even when we know we have no reason to be.

You will celebrate when you are ready to, don't be hard on yourself. I am so glad you had good news x

Thank you so much for your kind responses, they have been truly uplifting. I know that I am being unrealistic thinking this day would be the 'end', I guess I feel that I *should* be happier than I am feeling. It's like getting the best possible exam grades (not that I would know!) and feeling miserable. I also sense that my nearest and dearest around me want to partaaay. They can wait for that. I'm off to bed with a good book for now, tomorrow is a brand new cancer-free day. Thank you again lovely people.

Oh Twiga, what a journey. You're bound to feel mixed emotions. Nobody could ever be offended by your post, you are an inspiration. Sending you a ginormous squishy hug xx

Can't really add anything, but wanted to give you a hug.

All of this.... ?

Please don't think this sort of post if offensive. It's wonderful news and I'm so so happy that you have beaten it.

It's not too surprising that you are feeling so underwelmed. I expect that throughout your treatment you have had to see a consultant, doctor or nurse on many many occasions. A lot of those times they wouldn't have had much to say and would have just continued with your treatment. Sometimes they might have had very bad news, such as when you were first diagnosed and sometimes they would have had slightly positive news. I find that they tend to be very non-commital with their news and for obviouse reasons during your treatment they rarely want to let you know if they think something is going well or not. This probably means that subconciously you are still very warey of news given to you by doctors. On top of that you have had the devestating emotional effects of loosing people close to you. I cannot comprehend what it has felt like for you.

All of this emotional baggage has probably made the good news hard to 'sink in'. You may also be in that state where part of you is still expecting the doctor to call you back or something similar, as life has probably been a bit on pause recently. In your first post you say 'I know that it can come back and I am preparing myself for that'. It's part of the human condition to try and be prepared for everything and it may be that with everything you have gone through you can't let yourself relax just yet and are still planning for every eventuality.

Give yourself some time and try not to dwell on how you feel, as there's no such thing as the right way to respond (you've probably heard that a lot with your treatment). You probably already know that you can call Macmillian if you need someone to talk to who may be able to relate or just listen.

Take care of yourself and start planning for all those things you've had on hold. Hey - your travel insurance should have gone down - maybe start planning a holiday?

Love RK x

Thank you all again

Now this is an idea I like very much! H is working in Italy next week - I think he might need me to cramp his style, no? ?

*hi five for kicking cancers ass*

Oh wow, I don't know what to say. Yes, you should be over the moon, but I also understand why you're not. If you need a good howl, then go for it - it might make you feel better, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a good cry!

I couldn't agree more...

FF - thank you, this is sound advice. Sorry to hear that your mum had to go through this but I'm glad she is doing well now. Post-cancer 'treatment' is almost as important as the chemotherapy etc, it can scar you in so many ways. I've got a wonderful Macmillan nurse who has called me twice already today (!), an H who is my rock, and a lot of support from family/friends. So far so good, but you're right, communication is so, so important. H has actually suggested I look into getting some bereavement counselling through Macmillan once I'm feeling less shell-shocked - this could well be a good idea. Anyway, there's a lot to digest but thanks so much for your post.

A huge hurrah for today and see what tomorrow feels like.

Thank you for sharing your story.

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