Speech by Paul Notley

Speech Type: Groom
Speech Creator: Paul Notley
Speech Date: 25/09/2012 10:28:29

I'm not very good with speeches

so I've written a poem instead

I hope you can find it entertaining

Like the dead bird on my mother in laws head.

So I'd like to express our thanks

on behalf of myself and my wife

and the biggest thanks are to you lot

for sharing this day in our life.

A big thank you to the family

who have come from so far away

It's brilliant you could all make it

it really has made our day.

Thanks to everyone who gave us gifts

And thanks to everyone who gave us money

We're gonna use it to book a flight

To somewhere that's warm and sunny.

Now there's some people who can't be here today

and some of those are looking down from above

Please rise and join me in a toast

to the absent family and friends who we love.

…..to absent family and friends….

Now today would not have been possible

Without all the help that we've had

So a massive thanks to Peter and Jane

Anne, David, Mum, Jules & Dad.

There's some more people who deserve to mention

especially my brother in law Oli

and Gav and my sister Kim

and our wedding planner Polly.

We feel indebted to you all

We'll pay you back in some way

Let me know if you're ever hard up

I'll put Abi's dress on eBay.

The night I got Peters permission

to ask Abi to be my wife

apart from my first day at school

It was the scariest moment of my life.

We were sat in a restaurant in Spain

everyone else went out for a ciggie

I was drunk and alone with Peter

this opportunity was a biggie…

I'd finally found the courage to ask him

after necking two bottles of wine

To my horror at 1st he laughed

But then said: yes, that'll be fine.

Now Peter let me assure you

looking after your daughter is now my mission

I'll keep her safe and happy

but there is just one condition.

There's one thing I'd like in return

this year when Christmas comes knocking

I hope now I'm part of the family

I too, qualify for a stocking?

The first day I met Anne she was mean

we met in the pub for a drink and a chat

she took the Mickey out of me in front of my friends

I thought don't worry, I'll get u back.

And within 6 months, I'd been sick in her laundry bin

all down her stairs, ALL over the bog

but I still protest my innocence

to this day, I still blame her dog.

Now-I'm-your son-in-law, I should call you mum

Mama or mumsie perhaps

but none of these names will stick

so I'll just carry on calling you flaps.

Peter and Jane, Anne and David

and Abi's brothers too

thanks for making me feel welcome

don't know who's worse off, me or you.

Well done to my Mum and dad

for producing such an incredible son

I really couldn't ask for better parents

I appreciate everything that you've done.

Thanks for always being supportive

when things didn't go to plan

and thanks for being my taxis

when I was serving my driving ban.

We'd like to say thanks to the bridesmaids

For helping my bride through the day

and every single one of you

look absolutely stunning today.

The hen parties were a success

Thanks for keeping Abi on her feet

And I don't ever want to know

If she flashed, stripped, or streaked.

So I'll propose a toast to the bridesmaids

some sat here and some over there

please all rise from your seats

and lift your glass up, in the air.

…..to the bridesmaids…..

If you wandered why I picked these ushers

Its not coz I've known them since school

I picked them to make me look handsome

and also to make me look cool.

Thanks for my stag-do in Prague

it was an absolute delight

I'm just relieved that here at our wedding

there's not a melon, or rock-pool in sight.

So this marriage will last the distance

with love, trust and dedication

we'll listen to all of your marriage tips

so long as they're not from Christian or JAYSON.

When I first met Abi, she was working

at a pub in town called the red

she was trying to throw us all out

so we ignored every word that she said.

She started to get a bit snakey

I thought, I know what to do

the romantic in me took over

and I smashed my glass on her shoe.

Luckily she forgave me

she even stalked me a bit

she drove circles round my workplace

and she told all her friends I was fit.

Abi I promise I'll never hurt you

I'll be your heart's desire

I'll never shout and raise my arms

unless, our flat is on fire.

You really are 1 in a million

You're special, you're unique,

You're pretty much the only girl I've met

Who squats, and pees in the street.

(apart from her Mum)

 Abi, When I saw you today in the church

 It nearly stopped me from breathing

 One look at you in your dress

 Confirmed, I've been over achieving.

 I love you with all my heart

 your pretty, funny and kind

 You'd do anything for anyone

 Which is why you're such a good find.

I used to say marriage was for losers

back then I didn't have a clue

Because I'll happily be called a loser

If I can spend the rest of my life, with you.

So if you could all rise from your seat again

I'll propose another toast

to the most amazing girl in the world

and the one that I love the most.

…..To Abi…..

Um, I'm not going to bore you much longer

Don't want anyone dying of thirst

I'm about to pass over to my best man

but I'll get a couple of digs in first.

Dan you been a good friend to me

we've been pals ever since we left school

we see less of each other these days

but you are a bad influence so that's cool.

Thanks for being my best man today

I was worried that you might forget

but you've dragged yourself away from your XBOX

And those dodgy German sites on the net.

He's quite a big hit with the ladies

but his standards?  He has none

It's not that he chases any girl that walks

he goes for the ones that can't run.

Quite often he's away with the fairies

his head with the clouds in the sky

So if he says anything bad about me

its a fib, story or lie