Speech by Peter Chalklen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Chalklen
Speech Date: May 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. What a fantastic day eh? I still can't believe the vicar actually used the word “sex” – how terribly modern!
For those of you here who have forgotten who I am, my name is Pete,… and I would like to say thank you to Nick and Paul for allowing me to be the best man today…

I would like to start by saying something I know everyone in this room would agree with, and that is Nick looks absolutely stunning in her beautiful dress and I am sure that your mum Pauline would be very, very proud of you on your special day today.

On behalf of young Lisa the lovely bridesmaid, I would like to thank Paul for his kind well rehearsed words, and together with Callum, Grant and Lloyd have all done a fantastic job of making this a very joyful and emotional day.… I've heard even the cakes in tears

I was told by a friend that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother… – it's a great honour.… but deep down nobody really wants to do it. Even so, I didn't hesitate in saying yes, and I'm sure you'll agree that my main duty of getting Paul to the church, fully dressed and eventually married was a complete success.

For those of you who don't know Paul that well, lucky you, however he came into the big wide world on the 23rd March 1971, and it appears that the world couldn't cope with anything else happening that historic day, other than Roger Bannister birthday, and judging by Pauls fine athletic physique, their birthday is the ONLY thing they have in common.

I didn't know him when he was very young, so I asked Nick and Paul's family for some background on Paul in the photographic form, to which Paul's Mum replied.… “ do you want the photo of Paul where he's naked on the changing mat playing with his..… toys?”

Well, I am sorry to disappoint you all, but Boots and Kodak both say that the technology just does not exist to enlarge something so small, however I did enlarge some pictures of Paul that are at the back of the room, so please take a look later and I am sure you'll agree, they are absolutely priceless and show what a handsome boy he once was.…

Apparently at work Paul is highly respected and is nickname is God……he's rarely seen,…..… holier than thou..… and if he does any work it's an absolute miracle.

I must just tell you about Paul's fantastic stag day. We went paintballing, which involved 19 fully grown men in combat gear running through woods. At the start of the day we were given a thousand paintballs each that lasted MOST people the whole day..… but not Paul….… Oh no,…..… trigger happy Harvey shot his way through not one thousand…… but TWO thousand pellets, and had great tactics – basically he would find the biggest tree and sit behind it for the duration of the 10 minute game, shooting into oblivion anyone who came near him. It was a terrific day, and I've all got plenty of bruises to prove it!

The day was really enjoyable and sophisticated and didn't involve any strippergrams, cling film or anyone being stripped naked and tied to lamp posts..… I'm really glad as Paul's MY best man in April and knowing Paul, he'd only get me back bigger and better and the thought of a male stripper turning up at work fills me with dread.

I remember when they first met, which was about 7 years ago on holiday in Crete. Paul was using his irresistible chat up lines, and I think the first thing he said to Nick was “My dad's got a speedboat” closely followed by “I'm going for a Chinese – coming?”

That night Nick said she though Paul was “handsome from afar”, however earlier today she told me that she had actually said Paul was “far from handsome”. Anyway, that was the start of their beautiful relationship that blossomed from there and brings them here today.

And finally, I would like to raise a toast to the happy couple…… as I truly believe they were made for each other.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times……………… and old fashioned enough to last forever.
To the bride and groom.

Now I'd like to read some cards…(INCLUDING)
To Nick & Paul, sorry I cannot be there, but I wasn't invited. Please send a picture of the bride and groom, mounted. Kami

And finally, I've known Paul for 17 years and would like to thank him for being such a good mate and a true friend. Ladies and gentlemen, he is a man who's priorities in life are his family,..… his friends…… and then himself….… He is a man who has more holiday allowance in a year than Judith Chalmers.

I am delighted he has found such a wonderful and loving wife. They are a lovely pair… and their passion for fine Indian and Chinese food keeps the relationship strong.

I would also like to thank all of you for listening, and sharing Nick and Paul's special day, and it gives me great pleasure…… to ask you to charge your glasses and be upstanding.… and join me in a final toast to the happy couple. (WAIT!)

May your joy be everlasting and your pain… be champagne.
To Mr & Mrs Harvey, the bride and groom.