Speech by Paul Reavley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Reavley
Speech Date: 10/06/2010 17:36:26

Props required 12 house keys, one old membership card. Hand 11 keys out to non related guests at the start of the day.

I really thought that following a speech by Andy would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.  So, thanks Andy for …err…whatever you just said although……..I was really nervous before hand, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them I'm feeling pretty good right now…

SPEECH

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It's been an emotional day; even the cake is in tiers.

Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Paul, probably Andy's closest friend and partner in crime and, despite the nerves, I have really been looking forward to today, as after all the years I have known Andy. He has finally admitted that I am in fact the “Best Man”.

Firstly I'd also like to take this opportunity to say and I am sure that you will all agree that the bridesmaids look stunning today and the bride herself looks absolutely fantastic

I'd like to say a big thank you to my assistants, the ushers – Mike, Alex and Ryan. It was actually a stipulation for the wedding that the ushers weren't allowed to look better than the Best Man today and I'm pleased to say they have accomplished their role admirably. Cheers guys, awesome job!

On behalf of the bridesmaids, ushers & myself I would like to extend a big thank you to Katie & Andrew for asking us to be involved on this their unique & very special day – now, down to business.

When I was asked to be Andy's best man I was obviously very flattered. But then I realised I would have to give a speech, and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Andy. The problem is I've had very little experience of doing either, so please bear with me.

I was actually a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his duties in the bedroom.

So with that in mind ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd!! ….

Seriously though, it is well known that I can talk a lot and I couldn't help but notice that there is a bet on about the length of my speech.

Well, just to let you know, having backed myself at 2 hours 26 minutes and with the kitty currently standing at around £40, I must apologise in advance, please make yourselves comfortable and enjoy the ride.

Now, by disclosing everything Andy has done I would only be implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation! I also bought a book about being best man which told me I couldn't talk about sex, drugs or violence so that rules out talking about the stag do too!

I do however have a few things to say;

He's handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Stylish, Charming and, Err…Sorry ‘Andy’, what does that say? I can't read your handwriting. Oh, yeah fantastic in bed.

There aren't too many stories I can tell about Andy of any real interest but having mulled over a few such as; nearly crashing his car an a few occasions or his dad John's car for that matter, or even the story of how Andy and Katie actually met and got together. Probably the most memorable thing I can talk about is my 18^th birthday at a lovely place called ‘floral hall’ in Hornsea, anyone know it?? No, I can tell you, it's not floral or lovely but it's where every young drinker should start whether 18 or not!! This particular night Andy, myself and a couple of others went to the said nightclub and after a few hours of solid drinking we all felt a little tipsy, the night was short lived however, one of the lads was thrown out for persistently taking drinks on the dance floor, we all left and this sparked an argument outside between the other two over how the night was spoiled. After I'd managed to split them up and calm them down and convince them it had been a great night, we all then became concerned as to the whereabouts of Andrew. It wasn't long before we found him and witnessed what would become a common outcome with him after just a couple of pints, yes…..he was, what can only be described as, watering the plants with everything he had drank over the course of the evening and had missed the whole episode and was fully ready to go home.

I actually decided that it might be a good idea to ask other people what they thought of Andy. So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and they refer to him as godlike..… As apparently, he's rarely seen, and if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle.

I also spoke to some friends and family and one person actually told me that they thought he was conceited, selfish, arrogant and insensitive….so… Thanks for that Katie.

Still, I kept searching for those nice things and eventually a letter arrived telling me that Andy was a gentleman, warm, kind, polite, generous and always eager to please . . . . . . . . . . . That's from all the girls at The Wildcats Club who send their love . . . . . . . oh, and enclose your new membership card……….… [Show card]

How am I doing so far Andy? ……..I have to ask that as he did say that if I did a good job today then I can be the best man at his next wedding.

Now before we go any further marriage means what happened in the past stays in the past no questions asked and now that these two fantastic people have finally tied the knot, they have agreed to forgive each others past indiscretions. So if anyone was ever given a key to their house will they please hold it up for me now and we will collect them up shortly and no more will be said . . . . . . . . . . . Oh, and I feel it is only fair to return the key that I have. . . . . Sorry mate. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now, they say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day, so, fortunately for you Andy it's almost over. Unfortunately, Katie, your worst five minutes will probably come later tonight.

TOAST

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be best man today. On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to echo what I said earlier and thank everyone for sharing their special day.

Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people without who today just couldn't be the same! I'm sure all of us at some point will shuffle past them and exchange a few fond words……Ladies and Gentlemen; I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast…….to the bar staff!

And finally, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand up and raise your glasses in a toast to Andrew and Katie, the new Mr and Mrs Trushell. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Andrew and Katie.