Speech: 56 of 2307 |
WEDDING SPEECH DETAILS
Ladies and Gentlemen,
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen.
A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him?
But enough about me, what I`m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Andrew Stirling.
Anyway unaccustomed to public speaking as I am I have been fairly nervous before todays speeches, however Andrew was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job today and went easy on him, I could be his best man the next time he gets married as well. pause for laugh
Actually me and the boys drew straws earlier on, just because I`m standing here don`t think for a minute I was the winner!
Seriously though and more importantly, I`d like to start off by congratulating the happy couple, Andrew and Louise, any of us here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.
When I first met Louise my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person.
But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Andrew.
Speaking of Louise, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress … Andrew likes it too, as he told me in the church he thinks it will blend in very well with the rest of the kitchen. pause
Andrew truly is a lucky man today. Louise is a wonderful girl, and she deserves a great husband.. Thank God you married her before she had a chance to find one!
Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn''t help thinking that it''s funny how history repeats itself.
I mean 30 years ago Louise`s family were sending her to bed with a dummy........ and here they are again today.
I`d also like to echo Andrew`s earlier comments and thank everyone on their behalf for coming, sharing and witnessing their marriage day, particularly those of you that have travelled long distances, I know how hard it is to get day release! pause
I can only guess how nervous the bride and groom felt this morning, but I can assure you that this isn`t the first time today I`ve risen from a warm seat holding a piece of paper in my hand.
Having been told the official news that I was to be Andrew`s best man I went ahead and purchased a book, in fact I actually got about three after panic buying in Waterstone’s, the one I decided would be my bible for the event was called ”the duties of the best man."
Unfortunately, I got through just a few pages and wasn’t too sure if it was the best choice after reading the following and I quote:
“At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering around drinks and introducing people”.
So according to this, I should be buying you all drinks and acting as some form of high class pimp!.... so you can see why I gave up on that one!
Regrettably I never did pick it up again until last night and even then I only started flicking through a couple more pages. It has a list of do`s and don`ts for the speech,
which rather narrowed down my options.
Don’t mention ex-girlfriends <throw away card>
Don’t swear <throw away card>
Don’t tell risqué jokes <throw away card>
Don’t tell lies <throw away 3 cards>
Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom throw away 5 cards
So where do I start with Andrew Well for starters he’s
read intently off of paper
He’s Char... Charm.... Sorry Andrew …. I''m having trouble reading your handwriting on this note you gave me, you can tell me the rest later.
Another of my duty`s is to make sure that certain people are thanked for their part in today, so I’d like to take some time to thank a few people who on the face of it have a fairly easy day –
they have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around pouting and looking pretty, they’ve spent a lot of time and on their hair and make up and outfits, and without them the day just wouldn’t be Louise`s – ladies and gentlemen, I give you the ushers - Jamie, Ross, Mark, Roscoe and Chris.
But seriously Andrew, the lads here have asked me to thank you on their behalf for what is undoubtedly a great honour to be an usher, and in particular for at last getting to live out their lifelong dreams by getting to dress up like Laurence Llewellyn Bowen in public!
At this point its also customary for me to thank the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids Katie, Emma, Thea and Sophie, so with that I`d like to thank Andrew for his kind words and generous gifts.
They completed their main job admirably, which was getting Louise here on time - no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle. pause
On a personal note I`d also like to thank the bridesmaids all of whom look radiant I think we`d all agree, in fact one of Andrew`s ushers Mark has told me if you`d all meet him later on in his room he`ll thank you all personally.
I`ve also overheard them arguing all day about which one of them was to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is ..... look, one of you has to!!
I`d also like to congratulate Andrew, who has made a truly heroic attempt to cut back on his eating and drinking to get into shape for today, and personally I think he''s succeeded! ....Well.... round is kind of a shape isn''t it?!
I was having a quiet drink with Andrew the other night and asked him what it was he wanted from his marriage,
he said, "well, I want to be a model husband and I want to be a model citizen."
And he added with a cheeky grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!!
Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up "model" in the dictionary it said:
"a small, miniature replica of the real thing"!!!
I thought It best to ask around to see what some of Andrew`s friends and family would say about him:
His colleagues at the Royal Bank of Scotland describe him as a first class banker – although I may have misheard them.
-some other words you could use to describe Andrew are:
charming, urbane, intelligent, and entertaining…but nobody said those, so I won’t use them.
He was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish…and let’s face it, if anyone would know him,
it would be his mum.
Speaking of his mum, and dad for that matter, Jenny and Kerr have informed me that the day that changed their life was the 3rd of Febuary, 1972.......You see that day Jenny had a small win on the pools...........No, that was the day young Andrew was born, 8 pounds and 7 ounces, 12 full hours in labour, complete and utter agony for his mother, and nothing much has changed since.
Apparentley the young Andrew took a keen interest in sex and booze from a very early age. When he was three years old his curiosity about alcohol got the better of him and he managed to tip over a 1 gallon jar of homemade elderberry wine off of the shelf onto the brand new carpet.
When he was four, he was with his mother in a doctors surgery staring at a family planning poster of a pregnant woman, and was heard to say in a loud voice
"baby grows in mummy`s tummy. But nobody knows how it goes from the daddy to the mummy, do they mummy." Which reminds me of my last duty as best man. addressing Andrew
"Andrew, before your wedding night we need to have a little chat after about mummies and daddies!"
It wouldn’t be too far off the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated to my left / right than a Taliban Cave digger.
Actually , Tony Blair has just released a statement from Downing Street in response to claims from the Conservatives that our foreign policy is being totally dictated to us by the Americans......... He apparently said Looking carefully at the paper “ That’s a Cotton-Picking- Barrel of Hogwash ”.....So that’s clears that one up then....
Now as you might have guessed there are plenty of stories that I could tell about Andrew, but I couldn’t actually think of one that would be appropriate. When I say appropriate, I mean one that would have him squirming in his seat and sweating more than Pavaroti on a treadmill.
However after much deliberation I managed to recall one or two.
I first met Andrew at King Edwards School in Bath when we were both 16 and entering the lower sixth to study for our A levels.
I sat next to him in our first class together where he produced onto his desk a brand new black leather executive brief case. Upon opening said case it revealed its contents.....nothing except a single pair of black gentleman''s socks, when I quizzed him why he gave me a wry smile and lifted up his trouser legs, to reveal himself sporting a truly garish pair of bright red socks!
pparently he was afraid of being asked to remove the red socks and the posh briefcase was only to carry round a spare pair!
Andrew was known amongst his friends when younger as the "magpie" due to his wild eye for fashion.
Once when a lot of us had gone out to a nightclub he managed to distinguish himself by being the only person there to feel the need to wear skiing goggles all night long.
Another night out in Bath myself and Ross went to meet him before going out for a quiet drink, we had dressed quite casually in jeans, t shirts, dark jackets and shoes,
however Andrew clearly had some bigger and more important fashion agenda to adhere to, as he appeared in a pink, white and red silk shirt covered in a rose motif, an exceptionally bright green ankle length woollen coat with large golden bones instead of buttons, his trousers tucked into German army 15 hole boots and atop his head a top hat at a rather jaunty angle!............
To this day he thinks the reason we were refused entry into pubs was because we looked too young!
Thankfully as the years passed he stopped dressing like the 1970`s love child of Liberace and Sir Elton John, but his occasional wild ape man like urges still haunted him.
Not so many years ago Andrew was enjoying a quiet get together with some old and close friends, but soon decided things were too quiet for a man of his refined tastes.
He soon left the party under a dark cloud leaving behind him a terrible trail of ripped out telephone cords, smashed mirrors and deeply offended friends, yet this was merely the beginning of his long dark night!
Hailing a taxi our hero headed home to west London. Upon arriving at his doorstep he pulled the old Scottish trick of discovering he had no money on him. So offered to write the cabbie a cheque.
Because of Andrew`s extremely advanced state of refreshment, even after several minutes of determined scribbling he couldn`t manage to write his own name on the cheque book.
At this point the driver lost all patience with him and drove Andrew around the corner to Ladbroke Grove police station.
The police had more luck and were able to coax his unsteady hand down onto the cheque book just long enough to produce some sort of acceptable squiggle. Then all was well with the world once more.......Until.........
Andrew walked outside the station to find the taxi driver had driven off and left him stranded a few miles from his door in the early hours of the morning.
Andrew decided then that as he had just paid the taxi man to take him home, a massive miscarriage of justice had unfolded on the scales of the Guildford four or the Birmingham six.
He decided the sensible thing to do was to go back into the station and inform the constables of how wrong they had been.
A heated debate between himself and the desk Sergeant soon started. As the words flowed back and forth across the desk Andrew became more and more enraged, the red ape-man like mist was slowly descending.
To prevent this gross miscarriage of justice from continuing, Andrew decided the best course of action was to launch himself across the desk with all fists flying right at the sergeant, screaming the immortal words "you`ll never take me alive copper".
Well in the end six policemen did manage to take Andrew alive, as they restrained him and put him into the back of a waiting black mariah, and then drove him down the road to the cells at Shepherds Bush police station where he was locked up for the night.
An extremely humbled Andrew was released the next morning without charge, he took the long and lonely walk home to think about his misdemeanours, and thankfully this proved to be the end of his short, savage but quite glorious career with the police.
I would now like to share with you all a conversation I overheard while in the chemists last week between a father and a son. The boy was quizzing his dad as to why condoms are available in 3 packs, 6 packs and 12 packs.
"Well son, teenage boys buy the 3 packs as they use 1 on a Friday night, 1 on a Saturday night and 1 on a Sunday night."
He then says young guys in their 20’s buy the 6 packs as they use 2 on a Friday night, 2 on a Saturday night and 2 on a Sunday night.
So the boy says "well who uses the 12 packs then dad?"
-"Ahhh the hallowed 12 packs" he says, "The 12 packs are used by married men, as they use 1 in January, 1 in February, 1 in March" etc…
And in light of this we would like to help Andy on his way by presenting him with the married man starter pack.
Jamie, if could you do the honours please? Presents a 12 pack of condoms.
It was our intention to give you the 6 pack, but we couldn’t deny you sex for six months of the year.
I`ve got some words of advice on marriage for you here Andrew:
Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
To help the course of true love run smoothly never forget those three very important words you must say every day....... "your right dear."
Also it is very important to get on with your mother in law, a friend of mine hasn`t spoken to his in two years, not because he doesn`t like her, he just doesn`t like to interrupt her!
Also a small piece of advice on marriage for you too Louise-
Don`t keep him in the dog house too long, or he might give his bone to the woman next door!
So now we just have a couple of telegrams:
1. Dear Andrew, congratulations on getting married and winning our big spender of the month award! From all the girls at central chambers exotic dancing club.
2. Dear Andrew, hope you have made the right decision, I`ll always remember the long, lovely evenings we spent around my swimming pool, all my love, Michael Barrymore.
And finally there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Andrew and Louise are going on their honeymoon, I thought, perhaps like many of you here that they were off to California, but now I`m not so sure.
After speaking to Andrew earlier today I think they`re going to North Wales ............Or at least I think that`s what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!
I`d like to finish up by saying what a great honour it`s been to be Andrew`s best man today, and I`m glad he`s finally admitted that I am the better man!
We`ve been firm friends for fifteen years now, in which time we`ve hardly argued, and often shared our dark sense of humour together, much to the consternation of our girlfriends. You`ve been a true friend to me Andrew, and I look forward to knowing you and Louise for the rest of our lives!
So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Andrew and Louise, we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Speech: 56 of 2307 |
So may I be the first to give you the new "Mr and Mrs Stirling".